OK-I laughed, multiple times. This is pretty darn funny :] I will mention I've enjoyed TV shows as follows: Dead Like Me, Pushing Daisies, Six Feet Under, etc. This story got to the same part of me that liked the shows.
The sentence lengths are varied & the reading pace flows smoothly. There are some spelling/typos that a good proof-reading can catch. Please keep on writing-humor is a gift:]
I really enjoyed this. It is a fresh & unique bit of story. It is a good 'read'-easy & engaging. The characters are believable & entertaining. I did spot one thing:
Stalker went to Jamien and Kargon and laid a hand on each of their shoulders. "I think you.
I believe you meant "I thank you. ... here. I really hope to see more of these characters & this story world :}
Really good stories show rather than tell. This seems to be telling about the story. What do eyes full of love look like? Story is built on relevant details. What details build & move the true story from beginning to end? As you look over this story, what makes you want to read it? There is a story worth telling in this. It just needs some editing.
This was a difficult read, yet the story is well worth editing to make it easier to understand. The ending made this story for me--a really good punch line. The beginning was difficult to get into and perhaps rewording it would help. Also, there is a shift from the visitor and the old woman comforting it(?) to Barrelsitter toward the end of the piece that could make more sense. I would love to see this again after some editing
I love the concept of this story. Minor editing to tighten it up, to improve the read would be beneficial. This story could easily be expanded into a larger piece about the two brothers and their teleportation experiences perhaps even the development of their abilities. Good job--keep writing.
There is potential for a good story in this piece. If you go back over this and think about ways to show the reader, to engage the reader via their senses, this piece will be vastly improved. The beginning feels more like a prologue and neglects to pull me into the story from the start. The dialogue feels stiff. This can easily be improved via some editing and perhaps some thinking about how you want to affect the reader.
This was rough for me at the start because I really like NCIS and had to shift into that mode. I really enjoyed reading this while my mind made it into part of an episode. It is a challenge to capture the multiple characters from a TV show in this format and Gibbs came through most clearly.
This does a lot in only 55 words. There is a beginning, middle and end. There is conflict. There are two characters and a hint of a setting. It does all this and does it well. It also leaves itself open to becoming part of a longer story in which it becomes the opening hook.
Haiku is a challenging form. Both of these work, following the 5-7-5 syllable form. I enjoyed both, though for some reason I preferred the latter of the two. Perhaps that is because I can form a mental picture of what it is describing more fully- the trees growing out of rock, bending toward each other like two beings having a chat. The first haiku is more difficult for me to visualize.
This is good. It is a beginning to a unique vampire story. I like the whole bit about laws for minority species and vampires needing continuing education every so often. There are some interesting species mentioned in this including the 'hemogoblin' and the 'hydra.' This could develop into a series.
This is a good continuation from the prologue. It starts out with a more tame seeming setting and then its more unique aspects begin showing up, showing some more hints of the ongoing conflict within the larger story. This also hints that the part of the hunter and the hunted switch back and forth keeping me interested in finding out what, exactly, the conflict is. There is still an intriguing mystery to these characters and to what is going on.
What a great way to capture a reader's attention from the start! This does a good job of getting a reader to want more. This introduces a couple of characters and sets the stage for continuing conflict and tension building. There are some interesting weapons mentioned as well.
This had tons of interesting details. I enjoyed reading about some of what goes on with street racing. I also enjoyed reading information about the cars and some of the challenges involved. I had some difficulty understanding who some of the people mentioned toward the end were, an issue that can be resolved during editing.
This has a hilarious ending. It begins very low key, with a straight forward description of the nightly routine then shifts into drama queen mode.The timing and placement of the 'punchline' are spot on. It reminds me of a family I know that nicknamed the microwave 'The Safe' because the family seems to have a genetic tendency to forget having put their cup of coffee in there while reheating it.
This is a lovely, intriguing beginning. The character's name is unique; I like that. I like that there's some mystery to his absent father as well. The bit about the constellations is a great detail that could be a clue to later in the story. This has nice tension building.
This is a unique tale. It could be the beginning of a longer story-there is room for it to grow. It begins with some suspense and tension and continues. I like that there are a series of challenges to get through. It does leave me wondering why the princess is leaving her home. I can think of all sorts of ways this story could continue-will it be part of a longer story?
What a really neat tale of what happened prior to the fairy tale. This answers questions about how an evil stepmother becomes evil in the first place and answers them really well. I'm sure there are several places this could be submitted for publication, if that hasn't already been done.
Great beginning for a longer story. The sentient character introduced is interesting with some mystery attached to keep moving the story forward. Starting with an interview was a good way to introduce and develop that character. The two characters involved are more focused on than setting, perhaps because they are more important to any further story.
This was pretty good. There's action, interesting and credible dialogue, and humor. The ground work for character development is definitely being laid and they are interesting characters.The bit about the trees is wonderful. Will this be part of a larger work? The last line could be a good transition into more.
This is an interesting start. Is this perhaps going to be a graphic novel or something like that? I'm asking because it has a lot of dialogue. You have some interesting characters here that you have plenty of room left to develop them and more story in. When you're ready for proof reading and editing, it helps a lot of writers to have printouts to read and make notes on as well as to enlist the help of supportive people in your life to do the same with.
Disturbingly good story. Your word choices work together well to build both tension and the story. At first I thought this was going to be part of a thriller about a serial killer from the serial killer's point of view-that was the disturbing part. The surprise twist was awesome!
Awesome story. Moves along at a great pace. At first it reminded me of the 'White Gold Welder' series by Stephen R Donaldson, then there was that shift and I realized this was something different from that. The main character is one people can empathize with even if their circumstance differ. The antagonist might be scarier if he were hinted at earlier and built up some.
Great phrasing choices. You also managed to maintain suspense consistently through the whole story. Interesting characters. Room for expansion into a larger story and a bit more closure. I knew this would be good by the word choices and phrases used from the start.
Interesting opening hook. You easily used all the prompts. Do you know someone like this character? How might you show how the character 'knows' the responses are anger or fear based rather than telling? Has the character been threatened in response to his posts? I'd like to see a version showing what the character knows and perhaps how rather than telling what the character knows.
Potentially a great beginning hook-a death. This could also be a great hint at later plotting. It will be interesting to see where you go with this.
Multiple interesting characters already present. How large a part will the driver have? Will he be an inadvertent villain? The deejay seems to be the main character; you have the beginnings of establishing her. You also have the beginnings of a police officer. Lastly you have the semi-mysterious ghost.
You have story tension that is fairly consistent.
This feels like the beginning of a novel. I look forward to reading more:]
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/astoor
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 5:07am on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
