\"Writing.Com
*Magnify*
SPONSORED LINKS
BY ONLINE AUTHORS
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/azrael_hollow
Review Requests: OFF
13 Public Reviews Given
13 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Aodh Alainn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
The poem itself is pretty good, but the details need bit of work, in my opinion. For example, some sort of meter would be VERY helpful. Just something to help the poem flow and make it more interesting to the reader. Adjectives are ALWAYS a writer's friend and can make just about anything worth reading. Try it on your next poem, or just to test it at some point. Here's an example using two lines of your poem.

"But the farther I fall, into this dark abyss
The closer I am, to the awaiting crash."

It has a meter to it, to make it flow, and the added adjectives make it more vivid. The meaning and feeling behind it are amazing, just needs some work on expressing it. Thanks for this piece of work, though I enjoyed reading it!

Aodh.
2
2
Review by Aodh Alainn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I loved this story! It sounds as if it were true, but I don't want to assume that it is lol I am new to this site and just figuring out how to review in my own way. So far, I like to take examples from the piece and modify them to show my meaning. I don't mean any offense or anything like that, it's just how it is for now. Anyway, this was a great story and I loved the details. I don't say that often, either. I love detail and description, I think it adds so much to the story. Maybe you could work on getting the emotions across a bit better, but I don't know how to tell you to do that, just to bring it to your attention. Here are two examples of something I felt was off in this story, however.

My brain swung into gear the phrase 'let's try this again' burst into my mind and my heart lurched a little, but whilst I was trying to work out whether I could genuinely cope with the idea she added, “But I don't mind if you're involved.”
(This seems a bit like a run-on sentence and the beginning doesn't make much sense. I would suggest something like, "As my brain swung into gear, the phrase 'let's try this again,' burst into my mind and my heart lurched a little. However, whilst I was trying to work out whether I could genuinely cope with the idea, she added, 'But I don't mind if you're involved." Also, something I noticed through out this piece was the lack of correct grammar. Not spelling, but using commas and semi colons mainly. These things can help break up a sentence and make it far easier to read.)

We kept it simple, when she was free, Jennifer would come and spend the odd weekend; from time to time we'd go out as a triple.
(Here's an example of the semi colon I was just talking about. My advice would be to do something like this, "We kept it simple; when she was free, Jennifer would come and spend the odd weekend with us. From time to time, we'd even go out as a triple." In this case, I just feel the semi colon isn't used in the correct place to help the flow of the sentence. I, personally, love long, descriptive sentences. However, sometimes you need to break them up to help the reader understand and be more willing to continue reading. It would be tragic to have a master piece of literature, then have no one read it because it took too much effort to follow. Anyway, those are the main things I saw and wanted to bring to your attention. I hoped this helped you, at least somewhat lol

-A.J.H.
3
3
Review of First Play  Open in new Window.
Review by Aodh Alainn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This poem started off fairly well, but it didn't seem long before it was choppy and hard to follow. I had to re-read a few lines occasionally, and the second stanza, last line, clashes with the whole thing. It was random and didn't follow any flow, which makes it twice as likely to cause a reader to become uninterested. The feeling in this poem are good, but it needs a bit of work on flow, would be my advice lol :D

-A.J.H.
4
4
Review by Aodh Alainn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is an alright poem, definitely not one of your best, however lol The feeling are easily impressed onto the reader, however the flow of the poem seems off. Maybe something like,
"I remember the day we met,
You had a sparkle in your eye,
Though now I honestly don't see why.
You smile at me while looking at her,
Just like you hug me yet still go after her."
It's a line longer than yours originally had been, but that's just an example lol I don't know if you agree, but this seems to flow a bit smoother and connect a bit more. You could do this in just about every stanza, actually, and I want to keep editing, but it's not my poem, and I'm here to give you some advice, not rewrite your work lol Hope you found some of this useful.

-A.J.H.
5
5
Review of Melancholy  Open in new Window.
Review by Aodh Alainn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a moving story. It wrenched up memories of my own, where I've had nights like that. Where my tears could fill the seas and still flood the land. You did a very good job of presenting the pain, the guilt, that the character feels. Life is faked, and the only time she let herself go was in the night, in her past, drowning in her tears, correct? Anyway, I really enjoyed it, as I said, but a few more descriptive words would project the character's emotions more. Also, it seems you could do a bit better with how it flows, but I can't give you anything concrete, sorry. Hope you found this useful. -A.J.H.
6
6
Review of Romantic Anguish  Open in new Window.
Review by Aodh Alainn Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I can feel the emotion that was put into this poem, but being more descriptive will greatly increase the impact it has on your readers. For example, "All of the pain/Never exactly the same." I would try and put something like, "All the heart-wrenching pain/Nothing will ever be the same." Just my personal, opinion, of course. I also noticed a few grammatical errors, which are always a good thing to watch out for. But overall, I really enjoyed this poem, I loved the emotion in it and I love the sense of loss you were able to project through your words. I hope that my own words may help you. -A.J.H.
6 Reviews · *Magnify*
Page of 1 · 25 per page   < >
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/azrael_hollow