Hi, I really liked this short story. It had a great sense of pace, great suspense, it was mysterious, and even at the end it left you wanting more. The characters seemed very real, acting and speaking in a quite believable way. Very enjoyable to read, so thank you.
There are a few things I would change, a few bits that maybe need some work. Some of my points are probably just personal preference, but, reviews requested, so here's my penny worth of thought...
'It was a cold night.' - I would put the first and second sentence together, and maybe do a quick re-write of the temperature description. It's a little disjointed, and a bit repetitive. Something like: 'It was a cold night. Not quite freezing, simply an absence of warmth. No humidity and no assaulting wind'.
'The sky was clear, and [with] a full moon glowed [ing] prominently in its center. A chorus of stars surrounded it, not all of which could be seen from inside the city. [Re-write possibly, as it could just read a little more smoothly: 'A chorus of star couldn't all be seen from inside the city' or 'A chorus of stars, only partially visible from inside the city']
'The young man sat alone. His legs hung [dangled from] off the ledge of the rooftop, swinging back and forth impatiently. He wore a plain, gray jacket. [with no hood and two pockets, into which he had tucked his hands] No hood, only two pockets--into which his hands were resting--, [cut to full stop] and a slightly worn zipper. He wore jeans [now] of a similar color, [only they were probably] originally [a] dark blue, some of which could still be seen [along the seams]. A cheap Chicago Cubs hat adorned his head.' - some of this is just grammar points, some of it's things which seem disjointed or could be put more clearly.
His ['The man's' instead of 'His', because it's a more clear way of starting the new paragraph] eyes were focused on the full moon, but his mind was elsewhere. The man ['He', so as not to be repetitive] tapped his fingers on the concrete next to him in a rhythmic pattern. [join with comma, remove 'He'] He let out a deep sigh, and his breath danced before him, [; not ,] temporarily visible in the cold [, then remove 'before'] before quickly dissipating.
On the street below [comma] [a few] cars [raced past, but they were nothing but an infrequent buzz of noise, blur of colour, and then they were gone] could be seen racing along the street, few and far between. It was late, and most of those outside wanted to get home in a hurry. The sounds below could [hardly] not be heard from the rooftop, [; not ,] not that the man would [have noticed] notice them [add 'anyway', or 'in any case' at end of line].
'access door five feet behind him [,] opening, and a figure walking out.'
The *click* *click* *click* of hard, feminine shoes finally drew his attention [delete to full stop] when it got close. He turned his head to see a girl about his age [comma] wearing a bulky hoody. She also wore a grin, one that a blind man couldn't miss if he knew her. [Rewrite sentence, something like 'her face was lit up by a grin that even a blind man couldn't miss']
"Hey." She said simply, sticking her hands in the [remove 'double-sided'] double-sided pocket sewn to the front of the sweat shirt. Her voice had a sweetness to it. [Elongate sentence, re-write, something like 'her voice had a haunting sweetness of tone' or 'her voice was captivating in its sweetness']
"Hey." The man returned the greeting, but with less than [barely not 'less than'] half as much enthusiasm. He returned his view to the moon. The woman walked forward, and [remove 'and'] took a seat on the ledge next to him. Unlike the man, however, she faced the roof itself, instead of away from it. [Add something about why?]
"What's up?" She asked, trying to keep the slight[est] hints [hint] of worry [from not 'out of'] out of her tone. The grin was still there, however. [Hanging on by a tenuous thread]
The man gripped the ledge tightly. He exhaled deeply, still looking at the Moon, as if it would have any answers for the question, other than his own. [Rewrite, something like 'as if it might hold an answer for the question which differed from his own']
"What's up?" He repeated the question, rhetorically. "What's up? 'What's up' is, I'm confused, I'm angry, I don't know what to do, and there's nobody I can ask."
[Push two sentences together]
There was an intensity to his voice now. It wasn't angry, at least not yet, but it's something that wasn't there before.
"You're sure?" The girl asked, the grin now gone. Her eyes showed genuine worry now [repetition of 'now', get rid of one of them], though that was [get rid of 'though that was'] partially because the man wasn't looking. "You're sure there's nobody you can ask at all?"
The girl spoke in a mock-indignant voice. "Me? I wouldn't have any answers for you?" She gestured to herself with her hand as she said this. "Well, quite frankly, I'm insulted!" She crossed her arms ['faking anger'] in fake anger, and looked away.
"So [comma] this is just some big joke to you? Like how everything else is?" There was [definitely] anger in his voice now, and he was looking at her. [comma, not full stop] "This is the most important thing in the world to me right now. After what happened today, everything else lost priority."
She looked away for a second. The boy [boy, or man? Does he seem like boy now because he's worried, whereas before he was man?] was slightly impatient.
His own eyes widened, his mouth opened slightly. "Is that true?" [Maybe 'is that right', not 'true', because 'is that true' might be asking her to verify the prophecy, rather than asking if she's telling the truth] He asked.
The girl simply nodded her head, not looking at him. [She wasn't looking at him now] The man looked away for a second, not sure if it was a joke. But then he thought back to what little Latin he'd picked up from just being around the woman when she had been taking the classes. [Get rid of sentence or chance to something like ' He considered what she'd said']
Except the strange man. [Add in something like, 'Apparently.' otherwise it sounds like the man knows for a good reason, no because of a gift or a prophecy or something]
He turned back to the girl, who was still looking away. He brought his hand to her chin, and gently turned it so that her face was fully visible [to him]. She looked slightly off [nervous, other descriptive term], no longer brimming with [her usual] confidence as she usually was.
The boy [man or boy?] tried to keep his jaw from hitting the street below. He thought back on everything now [remove 'now'].
His hand had never left her chin, and he was just now noticing that. He started to pull it away, slightly embarrassed, but her hand stopped his. She looked him in the eyes, her expression [remove 'now'] now blank. ['And' instead of the word'She'] She brought her face [slowly] close[r] to his.
As I've said, I really liked the story. It gripped me, was very interesting and entertaining. Mostly the things I've pointed out are grammatical points, or where the lines could run smoother. Over all, very nice though.
|
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
