I am not sure how I can tell you a way to improve upon your work. This may be because it touched a part of me and my life that I let slip away. I think to be truthful I didn't give it a chance. So your poem on a deep level touched my heart.
I think that our best poetry comes from deep inside us and expresses some deep hurt, love, joy, or life change. I can offer no additional thoughts that will be useful to you. I saw no errors whether spelling grammatical or puncuation. Good Job.
Hi Brother Don, You cannot imagine my surprise as I was trying to catch up with my email that I found your announcement of this poem. Such a short "Hey have a look" for a poem I think touches one of the greatest truths under God's sun. One I hope someday a man will feel for me. When someone chooses to share their life with you it is a moment that should never be forgotten. As sure as I am that you and your wife make a beautiful couple I am sure this is one of those Perfect Poems I so often wish I could pen. Thank you for the invitation, and if you read this review public reviewers, do yourself a favor and have a gander at this one.
Hi Nav...Have you ever seen the sparkle in the dead of night as the waves crash onto the sandy beach? I sat one night and watched as the waves slowly erased my presence and touched my feet and as the waves retreated they left the sparkle of a million stars with momentary brillance. I got to see God's beauty and His gift, a tiny dinoflagellate (spelling) that gave its life on a beach so I would not be "ALONE" The title of the poem.... I have one word for your work here "IMPRESSIVE" Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for writing me and asking me to have a look at your work. Before we talk about your work I need to read it again. It's a self imposed rule I read a work at least twice before commenting. So, I thought I would spend a few moments telling you something about myself.
I am thirty-five soon to get older (yuck) and both of my parents are passed on or crossed over. My dad went while I was in college and my mom about six years ago. My dad was a slow lingering affair while my mom was gone within six weeks. Her death left the biggest impression on me and I shall never forget the day she forgot who I was. Her death was not pleasant. Okay, enough now on to your work.
I should first say I am no expert at such things but I do know what I have struggled to learn. At the first read of your poem "Crossing Over" I shivered as what I call chill bumps covered me. The picture you paint is so true to life and so clear in my mind that it instantly brought back memories I have tried to suppress. My Dad's request that I read him the Bible, he a man who made fun of me for going to church; my Mom's stark stare as she tried mightly to figure out who I am, and her frailness growing with each passing day. Until the cancer that invaded her body stole her mind completely and the screams rattled the windows as she descended into her own private hell.
You, captured that for me in words and shook my soul with the guilt I felt at finally going to a hotel room at 2AM to take a shower and get a few hours sleep only to have my brother call me and tell me she had died.
You have written a powerful poem and I am grateful you asked me to take a look. Now, as I said, I am not an expert. So, the only correction I have to offer you is that I think you could use punctuation in certain spots. I should not give suggestions to professors though, anyway here goes:
One line stuck out:
His weathered fingers pick pick picking at the
I wonder if a comma between the picks isn't called for.
In any case wonderful start to what I must say, I think, will be a wonderful career here on Writing.Com.
Let me introduce myself, my name is Becky and I am one of the editors for the poetry newsletter here on Writing.Com. I also like to read and um, write. I would be interested in what kind of stuff you like to read. I think it good for the first thing for me to do is to tell you that you have done an excellent job with your poem. I am glad you are willing to share it with us here on the site.
The more I read of you and your sisters, the more I am convinced I need to devote one of my newsletters just to poetry written by others your age. Though I like your work I have to remind you that periods are part of the punctuation you need to learn to use. SInce your poem was lacking any I could not give you a five, no matter how badly I wanted to.
So that is the only bad thing I have to say about your poem I think it is great and I hope you will not let punctuation stop you from writing more.
My name is Becky and I have a secret. Yep a real honest to goodness secret and I am going to share it with you. I am shy too. TERRIBLY! I am also adopted but you're the only who knows that. I am also one of the editors for the poetry newsletter here on Writing.Com as such it is my job to identify new and promising poets and highlight them in my newsletter. The reason I tell you this is to encourage you to continue to write because one day not far away you could see your nickname in my newsletter.
Now about your poem. I have detracted points from your overall score for theses reasons: Your punctuation is incomplete and in your eighth line you failed to capitalize the first word in the line. OOPS.
The fact that I point out mistakes by no means suggests I don't like your poem. I do quite a lot. In fact I think I shall soon be doing a whole newsletter dedicated to poetry for you and others your age.
Thanks for writing and sharing, please keep doing just that.
Hi Princess, Cute name but very fitting. Allow me to introduce myself, mt name is Becky and I am one of the editors for the poetry newsletter on this site. I have often wanted to visit Canada for I hear it is beautiful. One day I shall. After reading you and your sisters poetry I think you guys ought to enter my poetry challenge. I think I will alter it to include a section just for younger writers and poets.
Well, on with the review. You made good use of language as your siblings also did, but punctuation is missing. It is not a serious thing because some of the new wave poets think punctuation is useless. Personally I disagree so I marked down slightly for the lack of periods. Please do not allow that to discourage you. I noticed as I read that you love cats. I too love cats my own a black kitten named Spider was a joy to me.
You will find that poetry will let you fantasize and allow others as they read your work to share your fantasies and your life as your poetry becomes more crafted. You have the potential so don't stop writing and sharing.
I must say you have a smart Mom. Allow me to introduce myself, my name is Becky. I am one of the poetry editors on the Writing.Com site. That doesn't mwke me an expert though. I can tell you one thing about poetry for sure. It comes from your heart and since it does it is hard for you to ever be wrong.
I want to compliment you I smiled two seconds into your work. I don't smile often over poetry but yours mentions your sister in attack mode. That got a smile. The only thing I could finds wrong was the lack of a period. Because you used commas in every line it would be appropriate to find the spots for periods.
Great job keep writing and sharing and you will see that people enjoy reading you.
My name is Becky and I am one of the editors for the poetry newsletter here on Writing.Com. When I have time I love to take a peek at the poetry works of others. This time it is you. Let me start by saying you have a good sense for poetry and should continue writing and sharing your works.
Now let me explain a little about what the site expects us to do. We are supposed to help others get better at what they do. I must tell you I am no expert but I will try to help anytimes I can. I saw in yours one real problem. You need a period at the end.
I am sending along a few points for you and I hope you will write some more. I love this one.
Okay, okay I give, you win, take a report and turn it into a poem. You are a truly inspired poet. I wish this had happened before my next newsletter was finished. I would of had the perfect example for my subject matter. Bravo. I had no choice to reward such use of the hilarious in such an instantaneous way.
It is hard to argue with the point you make in this article and your method of presenting the situation and need for constant re-appraisal is perfect for the seriousness of the subject.
I have often sat with older people with my church back home. Several had diabetes, but the one that got me was a co-workers father. He refused to take care of his feet and legs. Eventally he lost them to infection and in the end it cost him his life.
Before I begin to look at your work I would like to welcome you to Writing.Com. I think if you give it time and effort you will find this site to be friendly and very effective in helping you to improve your skills. I hope that you will find it so and have many long years with us. Also be fore I begin I would like to ask what country you are from? Strictlu speaking you don't have to tell me but from a comment you made in your recent review of one of my works you had a phrase that struck me as oddly foriegn.
Now about your work. It is obvious from the poem that you feel strongly about this subject. You use imagery to support your work well. Phrases like:
Pillows of leaves without name. Bring to mind those days when we would rake up leaves and jumpo into them. Here I am sure it has a very different conatation. However, it does not change the fact that you do use vivid imagery in your work.
I see no obvious spelling errors and your punctuation seems adequate. Capitalization is consistent and the rhyme scheme matches in the two stanzas.
That leads us with a closer look at your work, because while you have many things going right you also have some things that could use improvement. For instance in this line:
The laments stay within inside.
The words within and inside are redundant. As I undertand the line you are saying you hold your laments inside. Or, within but not both. While I did not spot any other redundancies I think your work is missing something. Perhaps that is the whole point of the poem since it seems to be devoid of emotion.
There fore your poem could be stating that war serves no purpose, or leave emotional cripples behind. If your getting the feeling I dont "get" you poem you are correct. A few connecting words between the jangled thoughts could help immensely to improve the flow, maybe something like:
War hides truth from our sight,
Friends laments, lead weights inside.
Nothing will stop the weeping
That I hear without keeping.
There are violins in the wind.
Crying ever without consolation.
Pillows of leaves without name.
Souls without playing a game.
Notice I didn't touch the rhyming lines. I think if I understand correctly you could reword these to be more effective.
Now please understand two things. First I don't spend time with poems or poets who don't show a real interest in making their poetry heard and understood. Second, my comments are merely opinion and I am by no means an expert.
If they have offended you I am sorry and apologize profusely. I try to give my honest opinion and in your case would love to discuss with you some aspects of your poem. I would like to understand what exactly you are saying.
If you like after you give me some guidance I will review what I have said and if the circumstances merit it change my review.
Thanks for sharing your work. If you wish more reviews please drop me a line. Keep writing, I think you have some very promising attributes.
Here I am looking into your works. What I see is an attempt to present what a moon dweller might feel upon returning to earth. You have the general pieces in place for a story. It might be nice if you could add some form of drama beyond the simple taking of a breath.
For instance when the teenager walks into the sunlight it would seem very harsh to him. This I think from all the filters he had to use to protect his eyes when growing up. Not to mention that his skin most likely, unless they tan up there would be white and they would most likely be sensitive to the suns rays. Anyway I think you get the point.
I think I found a technical error in this sentence:
Another generation or two and we would no longer be able to return to Earth, our spines will have stretched too much to be able to handle the strength of gravity here.
The last two words should say gravity there. I think.
Long time no read...but when I do it is good. You display the skill of a true artist and seem capacble of writing one of these things without effort. Not sure if that is good or bad or if maybe it just is. In any case I can find no errors to fault you on and the point is a good one. Thanks for sharing.
This has a taste of faith in it one which appeals to me for the subtly painted picture of a soul that refuses to give up. I'm sorry but in many ways it reminds me of you. Your personal struggle to succeed even though you felt no one could possibly truly like what your doing.
Before I begin to review your work I would like to welcome you to writing.com. I have been here for about a year and a little bit. It is a wonderful site where writers share their works and help each other learn new skills or hone their existing skills. There are some truly wonderful and friendly people here. If you should have any questions concerning how the site works please don’t hesitate to ask me or anybody else. As I said this is a friendly site.
Now about your work:
As I read your work I was impressed with your tight meter, which varied only slightly and you pronounced rhyme scheme. Which only fell apart when you tried to rhyme aged with rage.
The biggest problem I saw for your work was the lack of punctuation. You will excuse me but it is a pet peeve. You have taken the time to write something beautiful and complex. Take the time necessary to at least attempt to insert the punctuation that would bring it nearer to perfection.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Bravo Harry, I love your poetic skill and your ability to write with a flow that is next to none. I appreciated your presenting us once again with a work of yours that exposes yet another piece of the Harry puzzle. Well done sir.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Interesting perspective you have with this poem. I am not fond of free verse because it is hard for the poet to create a flow with words that have no play between them. Your poem is very good but I would argue with a couple of lines of your work. I will point out these two as the first:
I am a rainbow,
created not by how the crystal is held,
but by how brightly you shine
It is funny that you chose my wording for these lines to represent another set of lines. I would argue with you that as you have brought the cystal up in this series that the followup for it would be...
but by refraction of your mind.
Why? Because a crystal (prism) refracts light, it splits it and splits it, bending it into many colors, much as the rain does.
The second set then by deduction must be these:
I am a reflection,
created not by a mirror,
but by refraction of your mind.
The very fact that you bring a mirror into the conversation means you are speaking of reflections not refractions. Although certain mirrors do bend the image they reflect they do not refract it as this is not their purpose. So I would offer this as a fix for these lines:
I am a reflection,
created not by a mirror,
but by preception of your mind.
In any case I enjoyed the work. I hope you will excuse my sometimes over zealous desire to play with others poems.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
I loved this short, it reminded me of a story I heard once about a man who so loved his wife he planned for every event he could. Its so happen he died a few days before valentines. On valentines a boquet of roses came to the house and she cried, but thought how sweet he was and how prepared he was.
A year later another arrangement arrived, this time she was a bit angered thinking someone was playing with her. She went to the florist and fussily asked him what the idea was. He was aghast at her vehemence and gently explained to her that her husband had paid for the flowers in advance. She now shaken asked what exactly the mans instructions had been. He answered that - In fact he had paid for enough flowers that she would receive an arrangement for the rest of her life or until she directed him to stop delivering them.
You have a nice story here.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
I enjoyed your storytelling skills greatly with this work. Writing reviews for prose to me is much much more difficult than poetry. In your work I noticed a few formatting problems, nothing serious, and fell in love with your characterizations.
I will be waiting for the introduction you have written to turn into the story it seems destined for.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
I read your poem and then read your note. I see your efforts to rhyme and I smiled. You made a great effort that I can tell. Since I have begun to study almost weekly different aspects of poetry, I have begun to realize that poetry is above all else very personal. The key is whether you can connect with a large group of people with your words.
I found your work inspirational and I would like to take a minute to play with it. Just to see what I might have done in your shoes. Besides I know what it is to be thrown. Fortunately for me mine happened mid-stream.
Suggestions
Your Poem
Till Tomorrow
I fall forward,
towards the ground.
I don't even make a sound,
as the impending outcome comes around.
The dust picks up,
which my steed kicks up,
in her haste to rid me.
And I tell her,
'Till tomorrow,'
and then I bid her farewell.
(My comments)
Lets see how smooth we can make this.
Till Tomorrow
I falling forward,
Towards rushing ground.
Never make a sound,
As time flys onward.
In haste to be rid of me,
The dust cloud picks up,
Which my steed kicks up,
I tell her,'Tomorrow we see,'
and then I bid her farewell.
I don't think I did much better with it. But with your heart and skill at this point in your life you could. I think it deserves a re-write. Great job of putting your love into words.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Other than a few formatting problems I found this a good read. You have considerable skill and it is fun to read somebody with skill. I am a cat person myself but my poor cat had leukemia and was destined to die at an early age.
One little error I found was the word too...spelt as to.
Before I do anything else let me say I love the imagery you created here. It carrys your work through any critcism I may have. I love your display of knowledge and use of nautical terms to put together a really nice poem. I normally shy away from free verse since it rarely contains enough of the tools of poetry for me to "get it". Yours does.
Now my gripes:
Suggestions
Punctuation: As I prepare my next edition of the poetry newsletter I have learned a great deal about punctuation in poetry. Generally speaking there are two opposing philosophies. One group says no punctuation since the misplacement of one comma cam ruin a poem. The other of which I am part says that punctuation can be a part of the creativity process when writing poetry. In your poem you have some, but not always correctly.
My second gripe is with these lines:
Taking the helm,
raising sextant
to gauge the serious aspects,
setting course
To the best of my knowledge a sextan is used to determine your current location thereby allowing you to determine the course you should take to get to where you are going. It has to do with the position of stars in relation to yourself. Using arcs, angles, and minutes to figure your position. Most often I think a triangulation process.
In my humble opinion your poem would be better served to perhaps incorporate that aspect of determining where you are into your work. It would be perhaps a better image maker than the line you used.
In closing let me say I have enjoyed reading your work, you are imaginative and write with a great deal of skill.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
This makes two in one night WOW. I don't think this time I will try to reword your work for you but I will do my best to point out some weak points of this work. PLEASE keep in mind my reviews are not given unless I put my best effort into them. You have a huge collection for me to work with and they have a good deal of inspiring subjects. That is the reason I work so hard on them. They are important to you and I know you want them to be as good as they can be.
Now about your work: So here goes...
In the first stanza you speak of experiences (plural) and sadness (singular) but, in the final line of this stanza you refer to what holds you tight. You have said there are two things holding you in fright, hence the last line should of used their (perhaps) rather than it's.
In the second stanza I thought you did and outstanding job till you got to the seventh line. All which I want....this seems awkward to me. Especially since you are asking but for one thing (a friend) so try replace which with that....
Again in the third stanza you used the word which, in this final stanza it almost works. Unfortunately for this reader it created a problem for me. You stated in the second stanza all you needed is a friend. So if you now have this friend who understands, how are they to help you retrieve your friend? Are we talking a specific friend. Sorry this one just left me wondering though I too suffer from depression.
Thank you for the poetry, you have some great work here.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Last week in the poetry newsletter John Ashen used a formulaic example of writing poetry. Since all the formulaes I know are applicable to the use and installation of electrical components, his example seemed doable but barely. I shall have to try it myself in fact I think I did once and the darned thing got published. Anyway the point of these observations are two-fold. First I am announcing I am back. Yep packed my bags and headed to do war.
Second I thought I would once again ask you your secret. You seem to have become the king of the storoem. Can I ask a special favor? Let me see some more of your works. All types.
Suggestions
I have no suggestions. You have written this at your normal level of expertise. Thanks for sharing it.
Hugs
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Writing
A blur of fantasy and reality
Using words with natural frugality,
There creating some new abnormality
Or discovering a commonality.
Putting each sentence to a rigorous test,
Until eyes like blinking neon signs attest
An author we acknowledge has done her best;
This is creative writing at its finest.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/becky_hayes
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 6:01am on Nov 05, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My name is Becky and I have a secret. Yep a real honest to goodness secret and I am going to share it with you. I am shy too. TERRIBLY! I am also adopted but you're the only who knows that. I am also one of the editors for the poetry newsletter here on Writing.Com as such it is my job to identify new and promising poets and highlight them in my newsletter. The reason I tell you this is to encourage you to continue to write because one day not far away you could see your nickname in my newsletter.
~~ 
First Impressions