I am not sure how this is supposed to make an opening paragraph for a novel or a short story. I'll start with the general storyline. Not being a parent, I can only wonder at the age of Trixie, hoping she is the same one crying in the opening, old enough to turn on the TV and change the channel, and eat bread. Seems like a baby crying as I read the first sentence but later seems to be too old for random crying in the morning. None of this is explained until you wander off to a remembered conversation from the night before.
Leaving out the dialogue where the fiance lets slip that he doesn't love her anymore, seems odd, though it might be hard to imagine let alone write how this might occur, but then that would have been interesting.
It really seems like a first draft, there are a lot of rough parts, too many to go into here, but I suggest you read your story aloud and see how it sounds.
Now to the writing technicalities. Punctuation with dialogue is tricky but let me give you good rule. If your quoting someone and including their actions in one sentence like: "If you believe that- then you are a fool." he replied bitterly. The period after 'fool' should be a comma. This mistake occurs about half a dozen times, just pick up any novel to see examples of how to do it correctly.
As to being eligible for this contest, it is hard to say this is a story, with a conclusion of any sort, though in this word range that is hard to do, I know. But the prompt does include three items: purple (not used), cheating (partly used) and garbage.
Writing isn't easy, thinking up good ideas can be, but the real challenge is to communicate them to other people on paper or on the screen.
Good Luck, keep trying.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bluehats5
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:58am on Dec 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
