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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/bluekunoichi
Review Requests: OFF
14 Public Reviews Given
14 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I read for content and flow, although I look for clarity the most. When I review, I try to provide constructive feedback, because I know how helpful it is to myself when I get it.
I'm good at...
Looking for areas that are unclear. I can also pay attention to specific sentence structure, but I like to look at "big picture" things first before going into detail.
Favorite Genres
science fiction, Japanese short stories, folktales, fanfiction
Least Favorite Genres
horror, romance
I will not review...
Novels. I have to do a lot of reading in my career, so if the piece is too long, I will not have time to give a thorough review. I'd rather read a short piece and give a good critique.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of For the Forgotten  Open in new Window.
Review by Blue Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.5)
Hmm....there are lines that seem a little bit confusing to me. For example, "I kindly offer you a companion," and suffering no longer, yet, you say, "You alone, are alone," and later, "But only you can bear such sadness on your shoulders." Which makes me wonder, if you have a companion when you are lonely, then why are they still alone?

....granted, poetry is not my forte here at all, so this is just based on my own thoughts... I hope it helps!
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2
Review by Blue Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
WOW. This was really, really good. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it, and loved the rich details you provided. Really lovely!
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3
Review by Blue Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Wow. I got goosebumps reading the last line. This is a GREAT story, especially because it is told using Lucky's point of view. Your writing brings across the adoration that he has for Leila. Also, by the dialogue and their actions, you've created conflict. The line, "Bad things happened here. I don’t want bad things to happen to anyone else in this house." is one example of how you've added a lot of depth to the story. It's a really wonderful read, and you had me hooked with the first line. Your story structure, and how you tell the story are very, very powerful!
My only critique is suggesting more complex sentence structures to add a bit of variety to your writing. For example, where you write " I’m not nervous. I’m not scared. But I can feel my resolve loosen up a bit. It always does when Leila is around." there are four sentences that are rather short and of the same length. It feels "choppy" to me and repetitive. I'd suggest combining sentences to even out the flow, and break out the repetitive sentence length. One way to do that is to use colons, semicolons, and hypens to join like-sentences together into related statements.

Another place where I see that is here: "For the chance to hold her in my arms. For the chance to kiss her. For the chance to maybe tell her that I love her." This is only an example (and of course, totally up to you what you want to do) of what may work:

If there was ever a doubt in my mind why I agreed to such a stupid plan, this was the reason: I wanted the chance to hold her in my arms; I wanted the chance to brush my lips against hers and kiss her; I wanted the chance to tell her....that I loved her.

By no means is this any better than what you've written (I'm only a novice myself)! I hope though that it helps! I really enjoyed reading this!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review by Blue Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I just wanted to say thank you for writing this, and making me more aware. This is a comment and not a review, I know. I'm still very new to this site, and am not sure how to otherwise express my appreciation!
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Review by Blue Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Thank you! As a newbie to this site, I found this article incredibly helpful and greatly appreciated!!!
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