Plot: Like a short "Once upon a time" story should be, it was a fast paced read. For me it definitely came away as a critique of society. We like to dismiss the younger generation as deviant and lacking in proper knowledge without truly listening and thinking about what they are trying to ask or show us. This causes them to lose confidence in themselves and ultimately give up in some way. The plot carried the intended meaning well without it being too upfront and in your face.
Details: I especially loved the detail of the crowd the boy ran up to. Describing them as what drab color they were dressed in really tied the theme together.
Overall: I am glad I read it and it made me stop and think! Great job!
*Please feel free to check out and review my latest work :)
Well that was wild from start to finish! I really like the creativity and originality of the story. It kind of reminded me a little of "spirited away" in that the characters have super unusual characteristics and the sequence of events is very jumpy and immediate. I had some trouble with the grammar and sentence structure (easy fixes). A few words are spelled wrong, some words are missing, and some more punctuation is needed. I also thought the phrase “…reminded Greta of nothing so much as…” is a little odd. Perhaps there is a better way to say this? This is obviously meant to be a short snippet of a larger story but I would definitely invest in some more details. For example, why would Greta wait 5.5 hours for a doctors appointment? Did she have a pressing need to speak to a doctor? Was the appointment actually for her (people don’t usually have appointments for themselves at mental institutions)? I would also try to use some more action words that convey a feeling attached to them. For example maybe say “’I need to get home by 4:00’ Greta grumbled”. It will help give Greta some more dimension as she feels a little wooden and one note (confused) right now. I really like the detail of the pus colored eyes. By the end of the snippet you can tell that there is something much larger and perhaps more sinister going on. I would love to read more of this if you continue it! Super creative and different.
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