I've really enjoyed your story.
A couple of pointers, take them or leave them as you feel appropriate for you:
His/her and he/she are too ambiguous. I think that is what you are going for, but maybe a little explanation about that up front and then choose a pronoun. It stops the flow of the story.
I was really sure you were going to go with How Cow!
There's very few suggestions to make, but I will point out to watch for extra adverbs like lovingly. They tend to tell and not show.
There's a change in the point of view in this sentence:
Getting impatient, and worried about being left out, the cow let out a little snort of dissatisfaction.
We are suddenly in the cows head knowing his thoughts.
I liked the ending. There isn't much work to do on this piece. My only suggestions are listed below. Take them or leave them as you feel is appropriate. :)
Hal observed from the mouth of the cave.
Observed what? Even though you answer this in the next sentence, this sentence seems unfinished.
Eight wind-blown guests stepped off the helicopter as the blades wound to a halt. The crisp mountain air played with his silver curls.
I'm assuming you mean Hal, but coming after the description of the guests, its not clear.
Dressed in a three piece suit he moved forward and waved a welcoming hand.
I would put a comma after suit to make the flow clearer.
“Welcome.”
The guests assembled neatly in a tight group as their looks ranged from excitement to fear.
I would recommend changing looks to expressions, otherwise it seems like you're describing how handsome they might be.
“One million dollars each to see the famed Crystal Night flower -- One of the rarest plants on Earth. You will get to witness two of them. Growing only in caves of the Himalayas, this flower is also one of the most beautiful flowers.”
One of the most beautiful flowers...of what or when or from where? In the world? In a cave? Unless you mean "one of the most beautiful flowers."
The guests stirred and murmured among themselves.
Hal and guards with mini uzis hanging from their belts led the way inside the cave.
They paraded down lighted paths to an observation platform where a sheet covered presumably the rare plants under bubbled glass.
Recommend changing presumably the to the presumably.
Hal paused with grandeur letting his guests settle. “Without further ado.” He snatched the sheet from the glass and two stunning flowers with a mix of purple, reds, and whites were revealed. The eight guests ‘Oohed’ at the sight. One woman slipped a camera from her pocket.
I like "snatched"
“No pictures please. The cave-dwelling flowers are very sensitive to light, sound and touch. Remember your contracts state these restrictions.”
Comma after Remember.
She placed the device back in her pocket.
After close observation of the flowers under the bubble by each guest.
The sentence fragment above doesn't state what happened after.
“Why can’t we remove the bubble?” said one man.
“I’m am sorry. The lighting must be just right and the conditions controlled.”
“Amazing.” The eldest woman stated.
The group filed out to the helicopter and, after a round of questions, took flight. Hal waved from the cave mouth.
Hal turned to one guard. “We need more oil on those leaves. Those plastic pedals almost looked like it.”
I really enjoyed your story. Take the suggestions, or leave them as you see fit.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 10:26pm on Nov 18, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "