GOOD MORNING!
First off, let me say it was a pleasure to read your piece this morning. I always like to read a new author and give feedback when I am able to.
I don’t know how other people like to give their reviews, but I like to start mine off with going through each section, telling what I appreciated the most about it and what I thought could use improvement (if any) and then give an overall “score” at the end.
It started with a phone call.
I love the immediate suspense that you added. The short, matter of fact tone was great!
I still can't really believe it, standing here listening to the message on my answering machine. Repeating it over and over. And over. "Hello Ru… I'm… sorry I missed you. I'll call you tonight. Uhh… it's Myra". Funny that I didn't need to be told, that I still remembered your voice so well. God, it's been a long, long time. And feels even longer too.
Right away, from the way youre writing, we can see that this is a memory, a reverie. I like that you set the scene from that first paragraph (or at least, a piece of the scene). My only concern with this section is the order of some of the words. ‘still cant really’ just seems either a little wordy or strained. It seems a little hard for the flow of normal speech.
I remember the last time I heard from you.
Again, it’s the matter of fact tone that I like. You are, once again, setting up the suspense.
A tearful goodbye for both of us, though I like to fool myself that you didn't hear it in my voice. We'd become way too close over the previous few months. All-encompassing, our passion for each other had taken over both of our lives. Constant contact, via phone, Skype, email, instant messenger. We couldn't get enough of each other. Late nights talking via Skype, you speaking discreetly in hushed tones, me staying up late night after night, paying for it at work the next day, my performance falling way below what I'm capable of, and for the first time in my working life, not caring.
The way that you list off the communication, like a brief yet concise list, was a good way to go! I really appreciated the use of “all-encompassing”, I think it fit wonderfully in that section! I would consider the fact, though, that you are using a lot of fragments in this section. Too many fragments can take away from the flow of reading.
It came suddenly but it was inevitable. You had been getting a hard time at home about your time spent online and I had finally been placed on a "performance improvement plan" at work, my boss' patience finally giving out.
The last section of the last sentence was very nicely written! You might want to consider rewording the beginning of the second sentence. Again, the order of words seems a little, well, out of place. Something to the effect of “You were getting a hard time…..” might be better. Had been getting doesn’t seem grammatically correct.
I came home that day in a blind fury, stamping across the car park like an enraged bull and into the building, slamming each door behind me. Storming into the apartment, locking my door behind me, flinging my keys at the wall with a scream of rage. I pulled my phone from my pocket, noticing for the first time that I had missed a text message from you. Fingers flying across the touch screen with barely a thought, the phone as my primary link to you having become almost an extension of myself these past few months: "Calling you earlier tonight. 5 your time". A terse message even for you from whom I was used to receiving very brief texts. A quick glance at the clock confirmed I had 20 minutes till you called, but there was no way in hell I could speak to you in this mood, I had to calm down.
I had to read this section several times before I caught the gist of what you meant. From the way that you worded it, it seemed as though YOU were texting HER (fingers flying across the screen…it makes it appear as though you are the texter).
Stripping off as I crossed the apartment, I grabbed my portable house phone on my way to the shower in case I wasn't ready by the time you called. Standing under the shower, the high pressure hot water pounding me, I closed my eyes and thought of you, feeling the tension and anger slowly draining from me as if it were being washed away, down the drain with the waste water. I lost track of time and before I knew it the phone rang, shrill in the quiet apartment. I banged my elbow painfully against the shower door while stepping out and reaching for my phone, muttering darkly under my breath. Bringing the phone to my wet ear, I answered "Hello?".
Great setting of the scene. I liked the impression of the tension and anger washing away with the waste water.
Your voice came down the line to me "Ru!" as though you'd been waiting forever to speak to me, bringing a smile to my face. "Sweetheart," I answered "is everything okay?". Holding my breath while I awaited your answer, fearing I knew not what, but concerned nonetheless. The line wasn't good, you were probably calling me via Skype as usual but it was good enough for me to hear you crying quietly. A surge of adrenaline rushed through me as thoughts of disaster raced through my mind.
I love that I can picture the look on your characters face through this moment. My only suggestion on this paragraph is that after the question mark, you don’t need the additional period as the question mark signified the end of the sentence.
"Myra? Baby, please talk to me. What's wrong?" I began to panic at this stage, fear fuelled by a strangled sob escaping from you.
The “strangled sob” was brilliant! I love the use of wording!
"Ru… it's over… we need to stop now…" I gasped in surprise, sheer shock. Stock still, unable to move or think for what seemed like an eternity.
The second sentence seems overly redundant and rather wordy, while at the same time, being a little out of order for the wording chosen. I think a re-write of that sentence, or possible full removal, would be best.
"Ru… I'm sorry, we can't… ". You burst into tears and I instinctively tried to comfort you, no thoughts really penetrating my shock yet.
I like that you showed more about the traits of the character when you say he instinctively tried to comfort. I think that you should combine this section with the previous one. You don’t need to make a separate paragraph for every line when the same person speaks.
"It'll be okay love, it'll be okay… don't worry. I love you, you just cry if you need to, I'm right here".
I think that you need to use more complete sentences instead of fragments strung together. It seems a little wordy to use too many fragments instead of a complete sentence. Also, since you are calling the character Love, as though in a name, you need to capitalize it.
It was like flipping a switch, your crying stopped and you almost screamed at me "No, Ru! Not this time, it's over. It's fucking over!"
You need a comma after the word ME because you are then moving into a speaking part of the sentence.
My paralysed brain snapped back to reality, your words sinking through the confusion, the fear for you. A wave of terror swept over me, like I'd never felt in my life, there was no way I could lose you, no way I could let you go, not you, not my angel!
Im a little confused with part of the first sentence. “The fear for you”…what does this mean? It does not seem like it belongs in this sentence. Also the correct spelling is PARALYZED.
"No Myra, no! Whatever it is we'll fix it, we've done it before, we've been through so much", tears pouring down my face, barely seeing myself in the bathroom mirror I faced, shock and panic etched in my face. Almost as suddenly, you returned to outward calmness, though I knew you must have been hurting so badly inside.
I enjoy the fluctuating of her emotions. Again, without saying it, you are using the flipping the switch metaphor.
"No, Ru. It's over, there's too much at risk now. I don't want to, but it's over. I need to go now."
After “Its over” I think that “There’s” should start a new sentence. You have already stated a full sentence and a complete statement, so starting a new sentence would make it look grammatically correct.
I knew then that nothing I could say or do would change your decision, and the reason for it didn't matter. I stood, shaking like a leaf, frustration and grief competing for control and I won the battle with myself to remain calm, though how I did it, I'll never, ever know.
Personally, I am not too particularly fond of cliché phrases such as “shaking like a leaf”. It works, but do try to stay away from too many cliché terms and phrases as it does take away from the over all feeling of the section.
"I love you Myra. You've always been the one for me, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone. Please don't do this…" my voice trailed off as I realised how futile my pleading with you was.
My only comment on this section is that the correct spelling is REALIZED.
"I have to, Ru." I could hear the emotion, you were on the edge of breaking down again. "I love you too, but we can't do this anymore. Goodbye Ru." Your voice, your soft, sweet voice cracked on my name, and the last thing I heard was the click as you put down the phone before I passed out.
This section, though clearly written, seems to be a little off. In the previous sections you mention how you won the battle to stay calm. However, passing out does not seem like a calm reaction. I think a possible reword might be better for this section.
I took two weeks off work, unable to face anyone. I returned in the end, quieter, broken, with no lust for life, my happiness burned out of me by the loss of you. I buried myself deep in my work, 16 hour days the norm, always busy, the consummate over-achiever, anything to avoid thinking of you, grief digging its claws painfully into my heart when in a moment of weakness my thoughts drifted to you.
I love the way that you show the brokenness in words. You actually make the reader sympathize with the feeling. My only suggestion is to change it from 16 to sixteen (remember the note about the rule of thumb above.)
I survived. That's really the best way to put it, I survived. Nobody would have called it living. I got by, and eventually I learned to let people back into my life. Friends, family. An occasional fling, nothing that lasted. I learned to accept the good things that came my way, but never get too emotionally invested in anything.
My only suggestion is to change the period after family to a comma and keep the full fragment. In this instance, the fragment works!
It's been almost 10 years since that day and I never forgot you or what you mean to me.
Again, remember the rule of thumb about numbers. Change the 10 to ten.
Suddenly, out of the blue, your phone call.
This seems that the words are a little hard for flow. I think something to the effect of “Suddenly, out of the blue, I got your phone call.” would be better.
I'm shaking now, the old feelings flooding back. It seems like yesterday you whispered your love for me over Skype, that night when you couldn't bear to go offline and we stayed up all night together. I pull the nearest chair to me and sit down shakily. Sitting, head in hands… I've thought of you coming back into my life so many times, but now I'm not sure, I'm afraid of not being able to handle hearing that you're back just to be friends. I can't bring myself to believe it will be more than that though. You'd never agreed even to meet me for a coffee regardless of how close we had become, so why should that change now?
Im not sure I understand why you have the ellipses after head in hands. You might need to rethink that part. I love the emotional struggle that he is going through in this section. Powerful stuff!
A thought occurred to me and I groaned aloud "Tonight?! You'll call back tonight? That could be any time in the next 12 hours!" Exaggerating as I usually do when I'm impatient or stressed, but still that possible few hours seems like a lifetime, stretching out ahead of me. God, I'm freaking out, my heart is pounding in my chest and I need to calm down. I don't dare have a drink though, there was a time when that didn't end so well, another emotionally charged conversation. I sigh and get up, crossing the room to the couch and collapsing into it. Closing my eyes feeling suddenly incredibly tired, my thoughts drifting… Myra, my Myra…
I had to go back and look at the last few sections again before continuing. ‘Tonight? Youll call back tonight?” Where did this come from? You don’t mention that you listened to a message, you just mention that you got one. You don’t give any details, so this just seems misplaced and hanging in the paragraph. You should mention, or even put in, the message before putting in this section.
Dreaming, dreaming of you, of the times we spent with each other; you singing to me that one time, bringing tears of happiness to my eyes, the first time you told me you loved me and my shock and joy at the words leaving me speechless for so long you thought I had gone offline, your reaction to that first piece of writing I sent you, your praise for that which meant so much and that I never forgot, the memories coming thick and fast, so many good times. I slept and dreamed for - well I don't know how long really, the rest of that night was a blur to me. Waking up with a start as the phone's digital ringer trilled, I leaped across the room to grab the handset from the charger, pushing the green answer button which glowed in the dark like a beacon.
This entire paragraph was a very, very long run-on sentence and it was hard to read. When people read sentences in their head, just like orally, they take a pause before the next one. This one was very long and winding and hard to keep up with. Try using some punctuation to break up the intense length of this section.
"Hello?" My usual brisk, businesslike bark fails me, my voice coming in a husky whisper only partly due to having just woken. Silence on the line, nothing but the low static hiss of an open line. I cough, clearing my throat and try again, "hello?" My heart beating, pulsing in my chest with the force of a pounding hammer. The sound of a deep breath being taken and your voice comes across the line at me for the first time in almost 10 full years, "Hello Ru". Oh my God, that voice. Soft and sweet, as beautiful as I've always remembered it, all the memories come surging back, washing over me like a wave. I stand frozen for a moment, opening my mouth but totally, completely unable to speak. “Ru?” your voice comes at me again breaking the spell and I manage to clear my throat and speak “Myra? It's really you? Are you okay? Is everything alright?”
Again, just change 10 to ten.
A pause on the line, and then your voice comes back to me across the wires, across the miles of land and ocean that separate us, "I don't know … is it?" You sigh softly, and continue. "How are you, Ru? How have you been?" I hear a chair creak as you move or maybe sit down and the sound of the phone moving against your cheek. I'm still in a daze, still not really believing this is happening after all this time. "I'm okay," I answer, taking a deep breath. "Missing you… still." I can hear you breathing on the phone line, hear the unevenness of your breaths, you're either nervous or emotional, maybe both, and it tears at my heart. I take pity on you, on both of us, and try to break through the uncomfortable, slow, "niceness" that is getting us nowhere. "I still love you, if that's what you're wondering about. I still think about you, dream about you, want you in my life. I'm not angry with you and I don't blame you for anything. And… well… I still don't think we could be just friends, so I really, really hope that's not why you're calling. It isn't, right?"
I love all the pussy-footing that the characters are doing! Its cute!
Silence.
Suspense!!!
Nothing on the other end of the line at all for a what seems like forever but can't really have been more than 20 seconds, and then I hear something, hear you… what? Crying? I'm about to speak again, about to ask if you're okay when I suddenly realise you're laughing hysterically. "Oh my God, Ru!" you finally gasp. "Ten years! Ten years and you didn't change at all!" I'm laughing now too, all the self-consciousness falling away and suddenly it's like we'd only spoken yesterday. I fall sideways on the couch, your laughter fuelling my own, laughing hard and unable to stop, starting each other off again when we try to calm down.
Again, write out numbers less than 100. And, correct REALISE to REALIZE.
Finally, we both manage to stop laughing, breathing hard for a few minutes. We talk for 5 hours, laughing, reminiscing, talking about our lives and all that has happened in the last 10 years. You call me stubborn for clinging to my belief that we would be together one day, but I know it makes you smile, I can hear it in your voice. It gets late, after 2am your time, and we agree to sleep and talk again tomorrow. I tell you I love you, and we say goodnight, both smiling, both happy.
I enjoy that both characters seem to be so happy again, even in just talking and regaling each other with stories of time gone by. My suggestion here is to change the 5 to FIVE. A rule of thumb I was taught that anything under 100 gets typed out (except for a time of day, in which case, you write out the full time, such as 2:00 am instead of 2am).
I can't sleep. I don't really want to anyway, I want to lie awake and enjoy, luxuriate in the feeling that my life has become so much better again, from a single call, from having you back in my life. I roll over in bed, pulling the spare pillow against me and closing my eyes, imagining I'm holding you in my arms. I picture you, like I have a million times, murmuring to you, telling you I love you and holding you close. I don't know how much later it is when I finally start to drift off to sleep, happier and more contented than I have been in years.
My only suggestion for this section would be to change CONTENTED to CONTENT. You are speaking in a present tense, whereas using ED at the end of words is a past tense.
I'm on the edge of sleep when unexpectedly the phone rings loudly in the darkness. I snatch it up and hold it to my ear. "Hello?" I mutter sleepily. "Ru," you say "I couldn't sleep… and I was thinking." I swing my lags over the edge of the bed and sit up. "Okay?" I say, wondering what it is that has made you call me back so late. In the past you've hesitated to wake me, even when I claimed to want you to.
You need to make this into two separate paragraphs as you have two different people speaking. Remember, whenever someone new speaks, you need a new paragraph.
"Ru… I want to meet you."
I love the finality in this last sentence, the straightforward no nonsense way she puts it!
Overall, I really liked the piece. You could feel the main characters longing over all the years, but yet trying to keep his life together without her. There was a lot of wonderful emotion going on in this piece. The battle of love and ethics and morals was wonderfully shown!
Clarity of Plot: 4.0 out of 5.0
Overall Conciseness: 4.0 out of 5.0
Character Development: 3.0 out of 5.0
Grammar and Spelling: 4.0 out of 5.0
Ease of Reading: 3.5 out of 5.0
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| (4.5)
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My review has been submitted for consideration in "
I think that you spent just a little too much time getting to the overall scene. I think some things could have been shortened a little, but this is only my opinion.