Deja Vu. On some level, I've had this conversation fairly often, usually with myself and a voice in my head. Good job of capturing the failure-phobia-- especially with the writer's willingness to give up so easily.
My suggestion would be for your characters to allude to the substance of the writing more often to illustrate for the reader just how boring it is; there are only so many ways to say "It stinks" before that gets repetitive, and there's something to be said for showing, rather than telling-- it could be an opportunity for comedy gold.
Other than that, a plausible, enjoyable dialogue. Thanks!
I can't do that.
There's talent in making people laugh, but it takes more talent to do it with over-description and over-eloquence, rather than by going for a cheap one-liner and a shot to the nuts (as I often resign myself to doing). Bravo. About two lines into reading this, I decided it was a story that needed to be read aloud. Man, did it flow well. Like a dramatic monologue.
I enjoy sounding smart, so thanks for that. Wonderful read.
I think if my philosophy book was based around the premise of explaining concepts to socially-inept Martians, I wouldn't have dropped the course so quickly.
As it stands, this piece kept me interested throughout, and I feel as though I learned something-- other than the fact that the words "rectal probing" are permanently comedy gold. The idea of a casual, public meeting with aliens is a novel one, and their personalities were... I guess "endearing" is the right word for it? Loved the imagery, too.
If you're looking for suggestions, here are mine:
1. While this starts off funny, it makes a detour into textbook land midway through and I felt like I was being lectured. Granted, philosophy is the theme of this piece and condensing the study is virtually impossible, but I felt the information overload cheated me out of laughs.
2. I like how the aliens keep oogling the women-- it gives them personality-- but what does that have to do with the word "know"? I was waiting for the purpose of this trait to link up with the story's philosophical theme at the end in some punch-line kind of twist, but it fizzled off into the ozone with their spaceship, and seems more like an out-of-place gag.
A vampiric shark plays cupid to a blood-sucking mermaid and Councilman Dog-Dracula? Brilliant. You're great with language, and I was impressed with your knowledge of administrative law and trusts-- little details like those lend the story authenticity most stories seem to lack.
I think this piece is just as long as it needs to be. After my first read, I felt the ending was abrupt and Lilly's romance with Lorne was hurried; then I realized that the story did what it was supposed to do: the overarching theme was the main character's search for contentment, attempting to get it, and realizing it required a change in herself. The change came, and the story was complete.
Thanks for an enjoyable read!
-Chris
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/carryback
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 4:56am on Nov 13, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
