The following is a template I use to review writings. The questions are in black, your words are in green, and my changes are in red.
My First Impression
You have got quite a story in your head. You wrote a lot so that tells me you have put a lot of thought into your story. It's a good plot with lots of action.
Punctuation,Grammer,Typos
You may want to look through your story for typos. A site someone on here recommended to me and I find invaluable is Grammarly.com
Mix of tenses here: She noticed them following her just after she enters that Wooded Area
Wandita squints her eyes and slowly scans
Wandita quickly but slowly scans the area where she thinks she heard something. You cannot both quickly and slowly scan. Maybe try rewriting it to something like this: Wandita scans the area in the direction of the noise and frowns as she shakes her head. She sees no one and believes she must be hearing things.
He’s very fidgety right now. He can’t sit still, and he’s tapping his fingers again the arms of his chair. Should be against
Well, it is sort of. It has been a little over two hundred sunrises
since she excepted that problem to solveaccepted
Characters How are the main characters?
Did writer do good job of describing them? I believe you did not give a description of the characters themselves, although you described Wandita's weapons well. A brief description will help the reader to imagine the character.
Do I feel like I know them? If not, was the mystery intentional to create suspense? I feel like I know the main character's personality Wandita or at least her battle personality so far.
Character motivation Do you understand why the characters act like they do? If not, more development on motivation is necessary.
Do their actions reflect their personality? What those reasons are? For example, a troubled past, assault, anger towards other characters due to a confrontation, betrayal, love, commitment issues, etc.
Does the way they talk reflect their personality? Yes you described each characters motivation well. Wandita is a warrior and she fights because that is her job. Gorvon is fierce and ferocious.
Plot Structure Introduction of issues to prevent conflict and character development
Does author dump all info at once, or slowly reveal it through dialogue, internal thoughts and actions? (This is important because a bored reader will quit reading during the exposition and never get to the action. The trick is to present this information throughout minor action to keep the reader stimulated.) I think you could work on this a bit more by showing the characters thoughts and feeling instead of explaining how they feel or think.
Rising action (in longer stories there will be several areas of conflict)
Do you feel a build up of the conflict? yes
Do you feel anticipation to know what is going to happen next? yes
Senses Did author use senses to describe characters and settings? (see, hear, smell, etc.) yes
Sentence Structure Did story flow nicely? Was there good sentence structures? I felt there were places where you could improve the story by 'showing' instead of 'telling'. Instead of explaining how a character feels, try to show it in their actions or a particular look on their face.
I also felt that there was some sentences that were not necessary such as explaining how many power cubes. I felt that took away from the story momentum.
You could also rewrite some parts to keep it short and to the point. Such as this sentence: The sooner they get there the better his likes it. You could change to: The sooner they get there the better. We would already know that's how he feels.
Another example to rewrite and shorten: Wandita is hearing some Death Screams
every so often. So, she knows that she is killing some of them. She hasn’t seen any of them disappear, but she knows they are dead because the number of Laser Bullets against her
has slowed down a lot. Can be written to: Every so often Death screams ring through the trees. The assault on her slows.
Did story compel you to keep reading? yes
What did you like the most about the story? I liked Wandita and her battle.
I also find it very helpful to read a similar genre book while I write a novel to keep me reminded as to how to 'show' and not 'tell'.
Thanks for the entertaining story and I hope this review helps!
Hi and thank you for the entertaining and image invoking story! I loved your story and cannot wait to read more.
Since you asked for beta readers to tell you what worked for them and what did not I will do that.
I liked most of the entire story. I loved the time piece and his interaction with it.It told me he had a specific job to do in this time and his timepiece was made to be perfectly suited to help him with that job. I love the way you describe the time piece and his transformation to a new time. It is very vivid and imaginable. The description of this new world and the trek to Gunnar's place had me moving along with Haakon experiencing the world. The dialogue between the two kept me very caught up in the story, although I have to admit I am a little confused to Abbott is. I felt like I was sitting there with them in a little thatched roof hut with a fireplace in the center pillowing up smoke.
There was a couple times that I got myself thrown out of the fantasy but that was because I did not know a word that was used. That may just be how I react to stories. When there is a word I do not understand, it seems to stop the action for me and I get annoyed with myself and have to look up the word's definition before I can continue with the story. The words were stochastic, ephemeral and weald.
I imagined two big burly men so when they kissed I was surprised, but it was a good surprise and added an element to the story that I did not expect. Their close relationship made me care about the characters much more. This was an eye opener for me and I have learned something important from this about writing characters people will fall in love with!
The last line hinted to me about what is next to come, someone mucking with the time line, but I didn't understand the reference to bean counters.
Thank you so much for sharing your enjoyable story. I cannot wait to read more. I am fairly new to reviewing and obviously much less experienced than you so I hope this has helped you at least in some small way.
That was quite a story. I'm left wondering what may happen to poor Tina. You have a good imagination and it seems quite an interesting story to tell. I enjoyed reading this and look forward to reading more. I did see some typos. One is with the word seduce. I found it on these two sentences "never sedduced girls in my hood"
"mocking me for my inability to sedduce pretty"
I also found a sentence where the word you is in the wrong place "I would you rather go to your house in stead of waiting for long."
I see you have added to this story with another chapter and am going to read that now.
What an interesting story. I enjoyed it very much. I could have easily read more of it. It's written very well. I do not have any suggestions because I believe there is nothing to improve upon.
What great examples of Points of View of the same story. Your writing is smooth flowing, detailed, and each sentence leads me smoothly into the next. I'm amazed at how you are able to take the same scene and turn it into so many completely different stories. Each point of view changes it into a new story. Thank you for sharing your exercise!
I want to review a few of your stories since my chapter was so long and you took the time to read and review it for me. I had forgotten how much I enjoyed reading your story until I read this one. I enjoyed it so much.
Characters
The main characters stand out from each other well. I absolutely love your ability to make me see the characters in my head. You have a knack for fitting descriptions in with the action and making it blend very well.
This is a perfect example:
“Aw shit!” Corky growled as he rocked his considerable weight forward, and with some effort climbed out of his chair. Shoving passed Harlan, he crouched in front of the VCR and jabbed his thick fingers at the buttons to rewind the tape.
You also did a great job of showing your characters personalities and having their personalities stand out from each other. Their speaking and actions reflected their personalities well.
Plot Structure
You are also good at revealing information slowly, not dumping it on readers all at once. That helped to keep me interested and wanting to keep reading.
Rising action
The story build up anticipation very well.
Climax
When Corky was hit by the car, I didn't see it coming. It was an interesting surprise.
Resolution
What a great surprise ending. It was very satisfying. A great twist at the end.
So instead of a ghost being shown on the film, it was really the future. I love twist endings.
Senses
You did a great job of using the sense to describe your environments. The following is an example of that:
The small office of the trailer park was cramped, and hot, and it smelled like motor oil and gymsocks
Sentence Structure
The story had a good flow and the sentence structure was great. It kept me compelled to keep reading.
What did I like the most about the story?
I really don't have an answer to that question because I loved the entire story. Every sentence, every word even.
I don't have any recommendations or critiques on this story because I believe there is nothing to be improved. It was great in every aspect.
Hi, I read your story and wanted to review it. I am knew to writing, and reviewing so please judge for herself whether my advice is helpful or not.
I found only a few mistakes:
He looked back at the indistinguishable smear at the base of one of the smaller towers.
He stared long and hard at the symbol below, squinting and trying to decide if it was the mark of the branded men.
The sun was almost gone when he reached the end of tall grass, but at this distances
I believe a review is not helpful if you do not specify at least some thing you think would improve the story, so I am going to do that and I may be wrong but want to give you ideas in case you like any of them:
Some things leave me wondering what they are and the story would feel more complete if you give a quick description, such as phos-guns. It sounds like they are powerful, but would like to read either a description, or possibly something saying they are powerful. You did great describing Matilida.
The other thing is the first sentence leaves me feeling a bit confused. From this distance the mark could have been dirt, or the scorch of a phosphorous gun, but it looked like the twisted heart. I'm not sure what mark you are talking about or what a twisted heart is so I feel like I don't understand what's going on right from the get go.
You mention Rullytown but give no information about it. I'm not sure if it's his home town or another town he had business in. It leaves me feeling not quite complete.
If the branded men laid claim to this place, there would be more here than copper, he knew. There would be plastic god boxes, out of which the elders could draw gold, and platinum. Maybe you could quickly describe what god boxes are besides saying you can draw gold and platinum from them. Maybe say how you do that and is that their only function?
when a shadow detached from the darkness not twenty feet away and stepped into the moonlight. What an image provoking sentence. I loved it! There were so many more sentences like this that flowed so nicely and I thought were a great way to describe the action.
I have created a template to use to review fiction and am going to attempt to use it for the first time on your story.
Characters I thought you did a great job of describing the main character. Both physically and personality.
Thorough the story you build on the motivation of the main character so I feel like I understand his actions well.
Plot Structure You slowly reveal the plot thorough the story, adding information as you go. You do not dump the info all at once, over whelming me. You allowed me to enjoy the story as I was learning new information about the plot. It kept me wanting to read more.
Rising Action You gave a good build up of action and conflict, leaving me anticipating what was going to happen next.
Resolution (happily ever after. Continuing on with lives, etc. ) I thought it was a very good ending.
I do not like endings where everything is completely over. I like endings like yours, the possibility of more to come. You did a good job of giving an ending without making it final. You could always add to the story if you wanted to.
Descriptions You gave good descriptions of the main characters and the settings. I also keep in mind that this is contest entry so you cannot go into long details with descriptions.
Senses(Did author use senses to describe characters and settings? (see, hear, smell, etc.)) You gave very good visual descriptions. You used the sense of touch (scratching his stubs). You used the sense of hearing (trying to be quiet). There is the possibility you could add the sense of smell to the fire or phosphorus(does that smell?) if you wanted to add more senses.
Sentence Structure The story flowed nicely, especially considering it is a contest entry and has limited word count.
What do I like the most about the story? I liked the little girl, vulnerable but tough because she isn't whining or carrying on while going through such tough things in life. She stayed put without a fight.
Did story invoke any emotions? How did it make me feel. It got me in the mood to watch a good syfy movie, so I would say that it did its job well!
I hope you find this review helpful. I enjoyed your story and look forward to reading more of your work. I will be saving you as a favorite!
I don't have enough knowledge about writing to leave a review but I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your story. It reminded me a little bit of a story I just posted, but much better of course. I love this type of intriguing story. A bit paranormal and mysterious. Your story has given me great examples of how to write dialogue without having to always use the "he said" "she said" all the time. I'm going to use it as reference to write some stories for practice. Your stories are the best I have read so far on this site. While reading, each sentence seems to propel me towards the next one, making everything flow so perfectly its easy to envision the story playing out in my head.
I saw you are a published author and you gave some credit to this web site for your success. Congratulations!
What a very attention catching story. I could not wait to hear what was going to happen next throughout the entire story. I loved the personality of Professor Van Der' Built. I felt like I was reading the third sequel to The Guardians of the Galaxy and wished that it could have continued on. I hope you do write more to this story. I guess that's the point of a cliff hangar. Making your audience not be able to wait to hear more..
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