A story excellently told! Bleak but it is what it is, subject matter and theme wise. I like stories told well enough to put you right into them, especially into the mood of the main character. Yours certainly does the trick on that score!
Well done on winning the daily contest and a very worthy winner, for sure!
Excellent piece! 'Life in the old dog yet', as Bill says, for sure! A fiver for the missus, too!! Your story certainly made me feel the 'new lease' of life your main character felt.
Very deep, and takes the reader way down into the emotion of the feelings between these two people. Your wording creates the scene and the passion, desire and guilt very clearly. I liked it, for its lucidly emotional content.
Well written, too, spelling, grammar, and punctuation wise, with only one mistake I spotted: 'She seen him walk away..' Not sure if you meant 'She had seen him walk away..' or 'She saw him walk away..' This, minor, note apart, then excellent stuff!
Definately, clearly makes the point about proof-reading!!
No errors in spelling, gramar etc, I could see, so pretty straight forward to review, really.
Only suggestion I could make, as I would find it interesting, and probably very amusing to read, would be to try a longer version, looking back at a whole host of such 'typos', in these shared type of comments, perhaps some from each side, and just what IS each person meaning to say. (If you choose do this, please contact me and I will review it for you!)
Takes the reader right to the core! Been there before with those emotions, so I recognise them, as I also recognise that, in answer, 'No, I can't..' (no-one else can!)..
Certainly a bitter little ditty, but gets the message across. Rather than try and pick out any minor points for review, though, I'll use pretty much your own words, if I may, to convey a new version:
I HATE you for the things that you said to me,
All the sweet lies you snuck by me,
Like that you would always be there for me,
That you would walk to the ends of the earth for me.
I don’t know if I HATE myself more for believing you, now,
The blood in my veins is as cold as ice from the heart full of HATE I have for you, now,
Why did I ever have to believe you,
I truly HATE myself for listening to you.
Let me know what you think and remember, it's your work, your words, I'm merely suggesting a possible alternate version for your perusal.
A nice little, very true, ditty. Just think you could take it on from there.. seems more like a 'scene' setter, with more in-depth, or perhaps amusing reflections to come. Go on, do it, and I'll read it and review it again I promise!!
A bit negative, but if, as it seems, that's the whole point, then your point has been well and truly made!!
Generally consistent flow to it, though maybe (my own personal taste perhaps!) just a tad wordy for a really smooth flow. I'd also make sure to carefully proof-read, including watching out for things like dashes at the end of a line or spaced incorrectly within a sentence. They're probably best left out altogether.
In truth I've written similar poems to this myself, theme-wise, from the point of view of a 'darkened' perspective, especially when going through less happy times in the past. Certainly writing like this helps to get it out of your own system, though whether it helps anyone else is open to question, simply due to the negativity conveyed.
It is a clearly thought out poem though, and there'll be unhappy ones just as there will be happy ones, and it does also have a ring to it!
Keep writing,
All the best,
siameezi
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