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Review of Red Phone  Open in new Window.
Review by ChickLit Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Luis! I very much enjoyed reading your writing.

You did a fantastic job transitioning into the explanation of how the man on the tv was the guy on the phone - very rare to have such a seamless description for what would typically be a difficult situation to describe as articulately. Very well written - and very intriguing. I think this could very easily be published - awesome job.

Please find some suggestions below regarding secific sentence flow/etc, feel free to use or dismiss! Just ideas :)

Your sentence: My head pounded and my eyes struggled to adjust to the dark.
My idea: How about making it "My head pounded as my eyes struggled to adjust to the dark."

You sentence: I reached over to my night stand and grabbed the water bottle that sat near my alarm clock.
My alarm clock read 3:36
My idea: How about making it "As I reached over to my night stand and grabbed the water bottle, I noticed that my alarm clock read 3:36am."

When you use "my ghost" and "whoa" in the below senetences - in my opinion it weakens the profoundness of what you are trying to say - I would remove the "mr ghosst" and "whoa"
your ghost sentence: “Sorry you must have the wrong number and the wrong Dan. Now I kindly ask,
Please stop haunting my TV Mr. Ghost. I am telling you I don’t know you”.

In these sentences - add something showing how u felt not jsut telling us:
you wrote: When I heard the front door open and someone walk into the factory.
I always felt that maybe the hand of God had been on me that day.
I often pondered who or what walked into the factory that lonely night.
My idea: When I heard the front door open and someone walk into the factory.
It felt like the hand of God was with me as I felt my heart sink into the pit of my stomach.
I often pondered who or what walked into the factory that lonely night.
Not that exactly but something like that - do you see what I mean with showing?
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