Deep, emotional and honestly raw are my very first impressions of this piece. So true in life though how others perceptions or view of another person later lead to resentments in the relationship.
These two lines:
I’ve proven time and time again
That I don’t have the things you need from me.
Really hit home with me. Those times when you are just being yourself and the significant person in your life doesn't appreciate that side of you and then those moments add up and the other person is so set on "having you" that they don't realize they really don't "get" you as a person.
Love the descriptors and how each line comes back to "be water". Makes it really easy to visualize the obstacles and issues faced just becoming liquid and flowing down the virtual stream never to tangle our lines again.
This could easily be printed off and used as a sort of inspirational poem to read on those days when the job, family, life, etc are dragging you down.
Nice pace through out and you really did a great job highlighting those pesky ads. If they really worked they wouldn't need to send out tons of spam, people would already know and be using them to ahem "enjoy themselves" to the fullest of their "members" potential.
First; I sincerely hope you write more of this. I was hooked at the description of the boys and girls at this school. Of course my first thought is they they are some sort of supernatural but then you added the "tragedy" piece which was a nice way to make me want to read more.
First off I want to say that is one the most original story's I've ever read.
The title; very appropriate. As a matter of fact that is the number one reason I read your story.
Comparing a baby to shopping for a car or a toaster oven, caused me to think "Yeah why do we do that?"
My favorite character was the salesman. Just like you find them on a car sales lot. Kind of pushy, not wanting to give you any extra's. I mean come on; we're buying a baby here the least he could provide is a starter model car seat, complete with removable cover so we can toss it in the washer as needed.
Great hook and throughout the story you did the comparisons of consumer reports and customer satisfaction faction for the toaster oven, how we research purchases in advance and yet the biggest, most monumental item of all; a baby! Well we just go and have one, with little thought to cost, future expenses or even the possibility that it will be a "lemon".
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.07 seconds at 1:21am on Nov 27, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
