Hi and welcome to WDC!
Wow! This is a great mix of emotion and logic. I love your powerful language and insight. The revelation at the end is something I rarely see in dark poetry, and I can completely relate. After a while, I too began to see my depression as a part of me, and accepted it. Your precise style makes it easy to understand your thoughts (or maybe that's because my style is quite similar to yours). Conventions-wise, this piece is nearly perfect. There are a couple of places where a question mark could replace a period, but if that's because you're trying to get a point across, it's fine. Also, there's a typo in the word "friends." Minor, but noticeable, and in work like this, even small errors stand out. Overall, this is a well-written poem, and an interesting take on a universal topic. Keep writing!
Thanks for the read,
Choco
Hi and welcome to WDC!
Nice poem! It's easy to understand and relate to what this girl is feeling. The spelling and capitalization is great, and the punctuation is, for the most part, effective. I just have a few grammar- and structure-related comments that will hopefully make it even better.
1. The rhyme scheme makes sense at the beginning. I thought ending the first stanza with "fin" was creative, though you may want to italicize using WritingML it so your readers will know you're using the French word. However, the rhyme scheme becomes unreliable as the poem progresses, confusing the reader and therefore interfering with the flow, until the last stanza does not rhyme at all. I suggest settling on one rhyming pattern and using it for the entire poem.
2. Some small suggestions for specific things: In the second line of the second stanza, "even" isn't really necessary. In the very last line of the poem, "craved for" should just be "craved."
3. You have a decent amount of punctuation, which is good, but some more is needed. For example, periods would help the reader at the ends of stanza 1 line 1 and stanza 4 line 2. A semicolon should replace the coma in stanza 2 line 2. A quick read-over should help you find the places where you pause, and where ideas begin and conclude.
4. Just one content-related comment: Your poem seems to be in both past and present tense. Which one do you want to focus on? Where is this girl in her relationship? Is it over, almost over, or still going on? You may want to consider this to clarify things a little for the reader. Any detail or wording that makes the reader pause in confusion disrupts the flow of the poem, and this can be easily fixed.
Overall, this is a decent poem with a clear message and a few minor errors. A little editing can improve the general idea and make it a bit more professional. I hope my feedback was helpful!
Thanks for the read,
Choco
This was HILARIOUS! It's all so true. I see these things myself all the time and cringe, and I wonder why people just don't seem to get it yet. Now they have no excuse for painful grammar and mistake-ridden items! Your article was helpful and amusing. Thanks for making laugh out loud.
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