I like this write as well. Very strong finish on the second to last stanza. Psalm 37:5 Commit thy way unto the LORD; trust also in him; and he shall bring it to pass. David through the psalms would make His prayers to God sometimes. There's something about poetic prayer that reaches out to the souls of man, it's ministry. If I can make one suggestion... Daniel would get down on his knees and pray even three times a day. That's something that I personally have felt like I should do. I've commited to spending a certain amount of time each day with God in prayer. I think it's helped me to grow in my realtionship with the Lord. Maybe it could help you to. All in all, keep on writing for Christ and keep on serving Him.
In Christ,
Chris
I like this poem. It's a very nice freestyle. Despriptive and clear with sort of an innocent feel to it. Good write and keep em coming!
In Christ,
Chris
Amen to that. Reminds me of one of the parables of Jesus found in Matthew 13, perhaps the inspiration of the story. It speaks of a merchant who found a goodly pearl and sold all that he had and bought that pearl. Or one who found hidden treasure and sold all that he had and bought that land. Or even like the net which was into the sea, when it was drawn back they seperated the good from the bad. All likenings to the Kingdom of heaven. Speaking of likenings, I liken this... Okay that was cheesy, good write though, brother.
In Christ,
Chris
Wow Kiyane,
That's an excellent write. I love the way you build up, making the reader feel it's gonna be sad and switch up at the end there. Quite beautiful. An uplifting read I must say.
Love in Christ,
Chris
Hi Perfect Paula,
This is almost perfect, Paula. (I really wanted to say that...)
Anyways, on a poetic level, it could use some tweaks. The rhythm seems a bit off. I'd recommend counting syllables and matching them up from line to line. (Say you have 10 in the first line, keep all of the lines at 10 syllables. {If they vary a syllable or two here and there, it's not always a big deal.}) I think a good way of working on rhythm/metre is to read the poem aloud to yourself. I've found that sometimes going a little while later after you've stopped thinking about the poem, you notice things that you didn't when you were first writing it. Some might complain about the "shines" and "mine" rhyme not being a "perfect" rhyme. To me, it sounds pretty good and I use the same type of things sometimes.
Anyways, all that being said, I don't want to recommend changing this poem. I like it too much, it kind of reminds me of one or two I've written. Whoever you wrote this for must be quite blessed, thanks for sharing.
Love in Christ,
Chris
Quite beautiful my friend... quite beautiful. It seems that the Lord has blessed you with talent in writing. I saw no errors at all in this descriptive short story. I really can picture what you're saying. Keep it up.
Love in Christ,
Chris
Hello teenagegirl,
You reviewed something of mine a while back so thought I'd stop by return the favor. I like this poem. We really should do all we can to help others find their calling even in the search of our own. Keep writing.
Love in Christ,
Chris
Hello Melizabeth,
This is all we can do. Take my word for it. We can try making our own way and not leaning on Him. That holds consequences that we can't forsee like God can. I've been learning to leave my life in His hands lately as well. It's hard sometimes but we need to realize that He DOES have a plan even when we don't understand. Harder to do than say sometimes, but oh so true. Thanks for posting this.
Love in Christ,
Chris
This is an amazing story. The Holy Spirit resides in us all giving us comfort and help through every trial. I'm really astounded at how you've taken a normally bad situation and brought the good out. That's God working. Keep writing.
That's a big WOW! I like the rhythm of this, the flow, the rhyme, and mostly the story.
That's really funny, kind of a mean idea, but really funny. I'm happy that you decided to move up a row in the end. It's neat that they took it that way, too.
I can't think of anything to improve this, great write.
Hello mdstryker,
It's good to hear that you're a child of God... me too praise His name. God can and will give us vitory over those sins that hold us back. It takes faith and prayer, maybe even effort sometimes, but God does win. I like the end there,
Freedom love and victory
Christian
Great write!
Love in Christ,
Chris
P.s. I just noticed, third to last line, I think became should be "become"... I believe, anyways. Just thought I'd let you know.
Dear God,
Please forgive me of all of my sins. Hear me, I pray, please hear me and hear the pleas of your child Ida. (And I pray that she truly is Your child, beings we've never met.) But Lord I pray that You hear her and comfort her in this, her time of need. I pray that Your will be done in this and every situation in her life. Lord I pray for Your guidance daily and even Your blessings througout her life. It appears that some things have been said that can't be unsaid, and some things done that can't be undone. But I pray and I beg that Your will be done from now on in her life. All things I ask in the name of our Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, Amen.
Now to your poem for a moment. You use a foul word in the last line of the third stanza. I know you state that you don't mean to offend. But later on in the poem you ask for prayer. I don't wanna sound like I'm judging you or anything like that, because I'm not. I know how much it hurts to feel like your losing everything important to you. I went through a situation where I felt like I was losing everything important. Actually through that situation, I feel I learned to lean more on God even to love God more.
I'm nobody important, nothing special, but another thing that I've learned through God's grace is that His mercy endures forever. Back to the slang word you used. I don't condemn you for it or anything like that. But some may take offence to it. I'm just saying if it were me, I wouldn't want to offend the people that I'm hoping will pray for me. Nor the God I'm hoping will answer my prayers. Does that make sense?
I hope you aren't upset by that, it's never my goal to cause offence. Just thought I'd weigh in on the matter.
I'm so sorry to hear about your loss. This is a beautiful tribute to your mother and I'm sure she loved having you as a daughter. I don't really know what else to say other than I'll pray for you and your family.
I must say I agree with you very much. In so doing, (training children the best you can), it really makes it easier for you in the future. Now problems are generally unforseeable, but doing the best you can instills in your children to do the same.
I'm 23 with no children of my own. (I do live with my 4 y/o and 10 y/o nephews.) But, speaking through personal experience a little healthy fear isn't always a bad thing. I know it took a little of that for me to learn some of the harder lessons. (Hopefully it doesn't take too much more for me to learn.)
Anyways, I like the write, just thought I'd let you know.
This poem itself is touching. I could feel the grief from line to line. To be completely honest it didn't strike me as completely amazing or anything. But then I read the note on the bottom. It sounds like a very sad story. Is it true? Just curious.
This is a very sad story. On a freestyle poetic level, there are no noticable errors. On a personal level, did this really happen? If so, I'm very sorry for you. But it does go to show how the Lord really works. To put the right people in the right places at the right times. I do hope for your sake that this isn't based off of a real experience. Either way, I'll pray for you. Love in Christ,
I can't see how to review this. It's completely tragic and heart wrenching. Much emotion was poured through and the whole poem seemed to read very well. I didn't noticably stumble on any words, very well done. If this is a true story I will pray for you. Chris
I'm not sure how to rate this, esaul. See, I relate with almost everything in this poem. The las two relationships I have been in have been, I don't even know what to call them.
I'm only 23, but about a year and a half ago I fell for a mexican girl. She told me she didn't have a boyfreind, when she did. I ended up learning spanish for her. Long story short, she played games with my heart for about a year. I mean it was bad and even ended bad.
The next one was another girl who had a boyfrined, however I knew she had a boyfriend. She told me she loved me, we shared the most romantic time I have ever had in my life. Now she's back with her man.
Anyways, why I rated this 3.0 is what you're probably wondering. First off, you cuss in it, and I don't like to read that kind of language. But what got me even more was the end. Although my heart may never be the same from the pain that I have suffered in the last year and a half, I still love them both. Not like I hope for a future with either of them, but I love them and I wish them well. I pray for them, that they are well and that God saves their souls and works in their lives, because that's what they truly need.
You may not want to hear it, but Jesus Christ is the only reason I've made it this far. He can do the same for you, as a matter of fact, He wants to help you, to ease your pain. All you have to do is ask Him to forgive you of your sins and come into your heart. He'll help you if you'll let him. I'm so sorry to hear that you went through this, I will pray for you.
Jerry,
I don't see how this could be rated as anything but 5 stars. I'm happy that even through the rough times you are able to perservere. The bible talks of these times as being refined. Through the trials God is making us stronger and making us exactly what He wants us to be. It seems like you understand that, and that's good. I hope you don't mind, I just said a little prayer for you. Thank you for sharing.
Chris
First off, thanks for entering the love poetry conetest. This poem stood out to me, therefore taking second place. The competition was tough, so congratulaions!!!
What can I say, this is an excellent write. The emotion was clear and relatable. I think it's a spot that many people have been in.
If I had to pick out anything to fix, it would be the metre and rhyme. Both seemed a bit broken, which can be distracting to the reader. It can be challenging to fix these things without taking from the point. But I've found that oft-times the result can be much stronger.
That is merely my personal opinion. And like I said what you've got here is great.
This piece, in my opinion wasn't quite as strong as the first. Don't take that the wrong way. I can feel that it is heartfelt and you really took your time. It even rhymes. (I'm a sucker for rhyming.)
But what led me to rate this at 4 stars instead of a higher mark were a few things that I struggle with on occasion myself. Firstly the metre was off a bit. That's a pretty simple fix. Count the syllables and try to keep them the same from line to line.
The rhyme seemed to go off and on in a few spots. I think that if you're going to rhyme something, it's usually best to keep it going consitantly throughout.
One more thing, I noticed that in the first two stanzas you used the word "and" four times. Not to be nit-picky but that kind of repition can become...well, repititous, for lack of a better word.
On the other side you did do a lot right as well. I felt your emotions as I read along. Which is an important thing in poetry. Your descriptions and imagery were quite nice. I pictured a similar place to the photo before I got down there. Kudos on that.
I think that if you go back and edit this could reach out to people in a whole other light. Just a step or two away from where it is now. As always, keep writing!!!
This is a nice write. I mean, personally, I prefer rhyming poetry over non rhyming. But this is quite inspiring. Great job on that.
If I can say, my thoughts and dreams of heaven come straight out of the bible. I'm sure that even the most beautiful of sunsets would hardly compare to what's already waiting. Just a thought.
Once again you've done very well with this piece. Keep it up,
Hi Ann,
I do remember the London bombings just two years ago today. As well as the Sept 11, 2001 bombings here in my home country, near to my own home town. It's disheartening to say the least that people are willing to kill the innocent. But, as is stated in your poem, we can't just "accept defeat".
Yet another time that you have evoked emotion in me as the reader. Keep it up!!
Chris
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/chrishaines4
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 11:36pm on Nov 21, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
. (I really wanted to say that...) 
.)