The beginning felt a little choppy to me (awkward in reading); however I found this piece to be a unique bit of reasoning. I'm used to seeing arguments presenting "Science Can Prove the Existence of God" by trotting out the "God is the Big Cause or First Cause of All Effects" or "Internal Knowledge Gained Through Personal Experience and Observation of the Effects of God Prove God's Existence" or a list of scientific evidence which the atheist use to disprove God being trotted out and reinterpreted to Prove God's Existence. While all these methods are valid methods of combating the atheist arguments, I did find your piece a refreshing change and thought provoking.
Thanks so much for writing this piece. I wish I had read this when I first began reviewing here.
Content:
There was a lot of good thought provoking information in here. The information was also stated in a very professional, stright forward, clear and consie way. BRAVO!
Format & Length:
The format was very easy to read. You also did a good job of keeping this short (something I am terrible at).
WritingML:
Your use of writingML was brief but enlightening. IT really illustrated (demonstrated) your suggestions on using writingML as well as highlighting the points you wanted to draw the reader's eye toward.
Other Comments:
A great job. I couldn't find a thing wrong.
Before I begin let me say no one can judge another's writing they can only comment on how that writing impacted them. Reviews give the writer the ability to impact their readers to a greater degree.
Understanding this, I hope this review will be helpful.
Overall impression:
This is interesting. A nice little piece with a good feeling at the end.
Rhythm & Rhyme/Flow:
It piece also has a nice easy speakable flow. No disruption here.
Subject/Message:
An interesting twist on the "Season's Greeting" poem.
Language/Visualization:
Again no visualization to speak of.
Punctuation/Grammar/Spelling:
The punctuation in this piece needs work. I saw a number of things. To help you I have posted a punctuation edited version of your piece:
Hope that your holidays bring you a gift of future prosperity,
abundant with a generous amount of good tidings
and cheer, which is necessary for a happy and healthy present.
However, never without effect,
for futility comes from a lack of sharing.
Connecting by giving creates the momentum of
love... which is the most necessary
invention that there is.
Here's to extravagant sharing...
and “HAPPY HOLIDAYS”!
Lines I liked: futility comes from a lack of sharing Here's to extravagant sharing...
Suggestions: I always suggest visiualization, involving the senses as much as possiible. Clean up the punctuation. some words could be cut to increase the impact of the line without losing the meaning.
Other Comments:
This gives us a lot to think about, as do all of your pieces. I love it.
Thanks so much for posting on Desperately Seeking Reviews and also for your reviews. When I have a chance to look at my items for revision I will respond to your individual reviews.
No one can judge another's writing they can only comment on how that writing impacted them. Reviews give the writer the ability to impact their readers to a greater degree.
Understanding this, I hope this review will be helpful.
Overall impressions:
So far so good. The dairy/journal form is interesting.
Beginning:
Nice first line. It gives the reader a quick mental picture both his physical and mental reality.
Things I liked: Your sketch of the father through his son’s eyes (love interrupted by irritation). I'm not a stalker, I have an eye for beauty. Denial is not just a river outside this guys backyard! “…we didn't evolve from those hairy primates to become hairy again.” While I don’t believe in evolution (being a Christian), this was a witty witticism. Say that a hundred times to see your tongue trip.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: I'm not a stalker, I have an eye for beauty. the “,” should be a “;”. I don?t like long hair, Did you mean to put a question mark in the word “don?t”. If not the “?” should be changed to an apostrophe.
Storyline/Message/Plot comments:
You’ve done a good job of giving the reader a good sense where this story is going. Already it’s evident this guy is obsessed with a girl and somehow or other this obsession is going to be confronted.
Setting/Characters:
So far the characters are well defined with drawing the reader’s attention to your attempt to define them (lol)!
Things are confusing / questions:
In the first journal entry the narrator is describing the unusual beauty of the object of his obsession and then boom he’s talking about killing someone.
“I sit up. I just had one of those urges again. You know that feeling you get when you just want to kill somebody?”
I was confused where the narrator’s burst of violent turmoil was coming from. What initiated it?
General Comments and Opinions:
This is a really good beginning and I’m looking forward to reading the rest of your story!
I hope this review has been helpful.
If you have any comments, questions, testimonies, or concerns about the reviews you receive post them on Desperately Seeking Reviews.
Also if any of the other posters review your work don’t forget to thank them, and to let me know (Post it on Desperately Seeking Reviews).
Again thank you for posting in Desperately Seeking Reviews. Don’t be shy about reviewing other people’s postings. Feedback breeds feedback.
The you"ve in the first line third stanza needs to be you've. .
Thanks for the link. Hey you you think you could introduce the link with a testimony so those reading it would know why it's there? Like... The changes in this poem is due to the helpful review given by christs-forever. If you want a detailed and helpul review I would suggest you post it on her review forum Seperately Seeking Reviews.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1045696 by Not Available.
Thanks so much for posting on Desperately Seeking Reviews .
Before I begin I just want to say that no one can judge another's writing they can only comment on how that writing impacted them. Reviews give the writer the ability to impact their readers to a greater degree.
Understanding this, I hope this review will be helpful.
Overall impression of the poem:
I liked the poem a lot. I can certainly relate to the sentiments shared in this poem.
Rhythm & Rhyme:
The rhymes were good, though you tend to use similar sounding words instead of true rhymes.
I have also noticed you have a tendency to break up a thought in two lines that could be better presented in one line. This causes rhythm and flow problems within the poem.
Flow:
The flow would be much smoother with a few line break adjustments. Suggestions can be found in the section “Line Formation”
Relate-ability:
I could definitely relate to the desire to give God something in return for all his gifts and the knowledge that we lack anything of similar value to give (except our love).
Clarity of message/ purpose:
The message was pretty straight forward.
Language:
Again the language was very simple. While this doesn’t really detract form this subject yet it does not offer us any real glimpse into you, or any new views on this subject. This seemed like a poem which is an outpouring of your heart to God and as such as great merit and worth. However when it comes to relating to the readers, the originality with which you say what you say matters when it comes to judging the impact you have beyond imparting good sentiments.
There are also a lot of repetition. For example:
What gift can I give you / Jesus Christ? First Stanza What can I give to / honor you with. Fourth Stanza What can I possibly give You / there is little I possess. Fifth Stanza That would be appropriate / and very nice? First Stanza I just wanted to give / you/ a gift that is right. sixth Stanza Something I have to give
/ you especially nice. . Ninth Stanza I am a poor boy I have / little for a gift. Fourth Stanza What can I possibly give You / there is little I possess. Fifth Stanza
I know it is your birthday / you deserve the best. Fifth Stanza It has to be special more / precious than gold. Eighth Stanza There must be a gift worthy / of you Jesus Christ. Ninth Stanza
Punctuation, spelling, syntax, form:
As far as I could see your punctuation was good however I did notice a few things… There should be a comma after “birthday” and “You” in the Fifth Stanza. There should be a comma after “you” in the Ninth Stanza
Length:
The length seemed a little long. I think this was due to the repetition of certain sentiments. I don’t always believe that “less is more” however in this case it may be.
Even though I just said less is more I would also suggest having a transition stanza between the 10th and 11th (last) Stanza. The wording of the last line of the tenth stanza leaves the reader (me) feeling like there is going to be elaboration but there isn’t. Or better yet, a change in the wording of the last line of the tenth stanza could eliminate this issue altogether.
Line formation:
Several line breaks leave the flow of this piece feeling a bit awkward (to me). Examples and suggestions below: “What can I give to / honor you with” in the Fourth Stanza could flow better presented as “What can I give / to honor you with” “It has to be special more / precious than gold.” in the Eight Stanza could flow better presented as “It has to be special / more precious than gold.” “Something I have to give / you especially nice.” Stanza in the Ninth Stanza could flow better presented as “Something I have to give you / especially nice.”
Lines I liked:
I liked the entire poem.
Things that need clarification:
None that I could see.
Things that need rewording:
There were a number of lines that came across awkwardly, and with a little rewording could have a greater impact on the reader. When I say “awkwardly” I am referring to how the poem reads. This is not a judgment of what is said as pertains to the meaning or emotions that are expressed. I have posted you poem below with comments on phrasing on the side.
What gift can I give you / Jesus Christ?
That would be appropriate / and very nice? While this does rhyme with Jesus Christ I just think a more vivid or visual could be found… perhaps an example of a gift?
To show my appreciation / for all that you do.
Like helping with all the / indecisions I go through. Awkward phrasing. The idea of “going through indecisions just doesn’t fit.
For being my guardian / throughout the year.
You are my best friend / my problems you hear.
I am a poor boy I have / little for a gift. “Little for a gift” feels awkward. Also this sentiment is entirely understandable but “poor boy” and “little for a gift” are easily said and overly used by too many writers. If you could say this in a different more unique way it could have a greater impact on the reader.
What can I give to / honor you with.
I know it is your birthday / you deserve the best.
What can I possibly give You there is little I possess. “little I possess” feels awkward. Also this sentiment is entirely understandable but “poor boy” and “little for a gift” are easily said and overly used by too many writers. If you could say this in a different more unique way it could have a greater impact on the reader.
You guide me, and protect / me, everyday of my life.
I just wanted to give / you a gift that is right.
You have no need for / material things. Nor for what pride they / may bring. Awkward Phrasing.
It has to be special more precious than gold. This sentiment is entirely understandable but “more precious than gold” is an overly used statement by too many writers. If you could say this in a different more unique way it could have a greater impact on the reader.
With no limitations on / what it may hold. It is unclear what you want the reader to get from this (at least for me).
There must be a gift worthy / of you Jesus Christ.
Something I have to give / you/, especially nice. Awkward phrasing. Also “nice” doesn’t give the reader any real idea of what you would like to give God. What is nice to you? A pair of socks? A brand new platinum Rolex?
To You from my heart / to last forever. There feels like something is missing between “To” and “You”. Perhaps To give you from my heart? “to last forever” Has an awkward phrasing (in connection with the previous line). Either add punctuation or reword a bit to make the connection smoother. For example: “A gift from my heart / that will last forever”
Above all else the one / thing that is better. Awkward phrasing, Also, “forever… better” is not a true rhyme. Rewording these lines could help clarify your message and increase its impact on the reader. For Example: Above all gifts / no could be better / than to offer my heart / now and forever.
Needs a transition stanza (commenting on better than what?) or a transitional / linking word or two added to the first line of the last stanza. For Example: So I offer my love / on your holy birthday. / Accept it dear Jesus / I humbly pray.
I offer you my love
on your birthday.
Please accept it Christ
I humbly pray.
Things that need to be cut:
The section “Language” deals with the repetitive phrases/restated ideas. The lines listed there could be either cut or reworded to increase the impact of this poem.
Visualization Comments:
There is no visualization in this piece. Some visualization may take these ideas from the head to the heart of the reader.
In order to help you visualize my suggestion I have posted a revised version of your poem below as a demo.
What gift can I give you
Emmanuel?
That would compare
with my freedom from hell?
When I was confused
you set my mind at ease.
How do I show my gratitude
for this incomprehensible peace?
You’ve guarded and directed me
throughout each year.
Every time I’ve had a problem
you lent me an ear.
My piggy bank is broken
so there’s not much for a gift
even if I had an inkling
what to honor you with.
You have no need for watches,
Ties, or gold cuff links.
You have no need for new cologne
or a Christmas card that sings.
My gift, it must be greater
than all that Wal-Mart holds.
Nothing cheap or tacky,
or too easy to bestow.
There must be something worthy…
Something you would like?
I’ve searched through all I have
But nothing seems quite right.
Perhaps above all other gifts
none could be better
than to offer my heart to you
now and forever.
So I offer my love
on your star-lit birthday.
Accept it dear Jesus
I humbly pray.
Like I said earlier this is just a quick demonstration of my suggestions not my idea of a “better poem”. Your poem is an expression of your heartfelt gratitude to Jesus and therefore ca not be judged or improved. My suggestions are merely my opinion on how you could increase your impact on the reader.
I hope this review has been helpful.
Again thank you for posting in Desperately Seeking Reviews. Don’t be shy about reviewing other people’s postings. Feedback breeds feedback.
Thanks so much for posting on Desperately Seeking Reviews
Before I begin I want to say that no one can judge another's writing they can only comment on how that writing impacted them. Reviews give the writer the ability to impact their readers to a greater degree.
Understanding this, I hope this review will be helpful.
Overall impression of the poem:
I liked it a lot. Simple, short and sweet.
Rhythm & Rhyme:
On the whole the rhyme was good there were a couple of places where it didn’t quite fit (similar sounding words were used instead of words that really rhyme). “year…everywhere” “name…birthday”
Flow:
The flow was disrupted by a couple of things. The lack of true rhyme in the above mentioned places. The line break up in a couple of places
* “The ill who lay weak in their / beds” This makes the reader stutter. It would read more smoothly like this… “The ill who lay weak / in their beds”
* Jesus bless our troops who / serve to free mankind This makes the reader stutter. It would read more smoothly like this… “Jesus bless our troops who serve / to free mankind”
* “Bless my fellow members on the / Writing.com site” This makes the reader stutter. It would read more smoothly like this… “Bless my fellow members / on the Writing.com site”
* “Happy birthday Jesus I pledge / my love to You” This makes the reader stutter. It would read more smoothly like this… “Happy birthday Jesus / I pledge my love to You” These are of course my opinion, and as such should be taken with a grain of salt. However I do believe a little reworking of the line breaks could improve the rhythm and flow of this piece tremendously.
Relate-ability:
I could relate and I’m sure every Christian can relate to this peace.
Clarity of message/ purpose:
Other than this being an actual communication with God I saw no massage and or purpose as it relates to the reader.
Language:
I would not presume to judge any man or woman’s prayer but as a poem the language did not offer the reader anything new to chew on. However, as a prayer the language was appropriately simple. I guess my only question in this would be… When you pray to God do you pray like this? . If so… then this prayer was perfect. If not then I would suggest rewriting this prayer so that it reflects how you would really pray for these things. But again this is just my suggestion.
Punctuation, spelling, syntax, form: “soul” should be souls I believe. The double space between the 5th and 6th (last) stanza is not necessary.
Length:
The length seemed appropriate for this piece.
Line formation:
This was pretty much already covered under the section “Flow”
Lines I liked:
I liked the entire poem.
Things that need clarification:
Nothing I could see.
Things that could be cut: The poor and needy who need / to be fed / The ill who lay weak in their / beds All the other stanzas give a prayer request this is the only one that comments on the prayer request. My suggestion would be to either add commenting stanzas for the other prayer request or cut this one. I personally would like to see commenting stanzas.
Visualization Comments:
There is no visualization in this piece. While visualization in a prayer is not necessary yet it could help this go from a “nice prayer” to a “good poem”.
Other Comments:
I have no other comments or suggestions. I really did like this poem and I hope this review has been helpful.
Again thank you for posting in Desperately Seeking Reviews. Don’t be shy about reviewing other people’s postings. Feedback breeds feedback.
Thanks so much for posting on Desperately Seeking Reviews.
I've never reviewed a madlib before, nor read one so I'm not sure how helpful my review can be however here I go...
Overall impressions:
I loved it. It was funny. On a personal note...As some one who is less than fond of Marshmellows I believe I probably would have rejoiced at thier banning, but would have balked at the martyrdom of those that enjoy them. Lol.
Things I liked: "Long live the legacy of marshmallows!" It was not until after John Smith died that the brutal anti-marshmallow regime finally stopped.
Things I think could be cut: the reason that marshmallows were created, The line reads more smoothly without it... The ones who survived through John Smith's rule, either ate marshallows in my closet or died martyers for telling people why marshmellows should not be banned.
Things that need rewording: "Marshmallows were created so that people could drinking for the purpose of hiccupping"
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:
*ballon1* flavoredrutabagels There should be a space between flavored and (the madlib word) rutabagels.
*ballon1*marshmallow flavoredrutabagels, hair and marshmallows This line reads a little awkwardly. I would suggest rewording it. Maybe... "Marshmellow flavored (madlib word), and marshmellow (madlib word) bars". Or something to help may it clear that the second madlib word after the comma is a second confectionary treat.
Things you found confusing / questions:
None
General Comments and my Opinions:
A fun read and a good mablib as far as I could tell. Keep it up.
I hope this review has been helpful.
If you have any comments, questions, testimonies, or concerns about the reviews you receive post them either on Desperately Seeking Reviews or email me.
Also if any of the other posters review your work don’t forget to thank them, and to let me know (I would like to thank and reward them).
Again thank you for posting in Desperately Seeking Reviews. Don’t be shy about reviewing other people’s postings. Feedback breeds feedback.
Sweet deal. This advertizement was short and to the point.
However I do have a suggestion: Use WritingML to help highlight important info. Example below:
Next Stop Hollywood seeks reader reviewers who think they know whether – and when – a short story has the potential to become a good movie or tv project.
WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR REVIEWERS?
We have a book contract with St. Martins (for 2006 release) of a book entitled “Next Stop Hollywood: 15 Short Stories That Ought to be Movies.”
BACKGROUND OUR EDITORS / REVIEWERS
Our Editorial Advisory Board includes Academy Award and Emmy Award winning actors, directors, and producers. We also have a group of folks who like movies and stories, and want to help choose the next Hollywood hit.
THE REVIEWERS INVITATION
If you would like to participate, please see our web site at www.NextStopHollywood.org
MORE FYI
Our website -- www.NextStopHollywood.org -- explains in detail who we are, what we are looking for and why we are looking for it. But here is the abridged version:
WHO ARE WE?- My partner and I have been in the television and publishing worlds for 20 years, as producers, publishers, and writers. (I have written five books, including three bestsellers and numerous articles including some award-winners.)
WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?- Our selection process is two-tiered: First, we ask people who like movies to assess the stories for their film potential. (We use a simple and pretty nifty evaluation form.) Second, we have an editorial board of movie industry insiders. The 15 stories we think have the most potential -- and they may not be the "best" stories -- will be acquired for publication and optioned.
WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR STORIES?-For years, short stories were a major source of critically acclaimed and successful movies. Most were first published in "popular" (as opposed to literary) magazines: Colliers, Saturday Evening Post, Mademoiselle. The magazines are gone but many writers are still writing stories that have movie potential.
Producers are interested, but we have to find the stories.
We are also still accepting submissions.
If you are interested in either submitting a story or in evaluating them, we want to hear from you. You can contact us through our website: www.NextStopHollywood.org
Sweet deal. This advertizement was short and to the point.
However I do have a suggestion: Use WritingML to help highlight important info. Example below:
Next Stop Hollywood seeks reader reviewers who think they know whether – and when – a short story has the potential to become a good movie or tv project.
WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR REVIEWERS?
We have a book contract with St. Martins (for 2006 release) of a book entitled “Next Stop Hollywood: 15 Short Stories That Ought to be Movies.”
BACKGROUND OUR EDITORS / REVIEWERS
Our Editorial Advisory Board includes Academy Award and Emmy Award winning actors, directors, and producers. We also have a group of folks who like movies and stories, and want to help choose the next Hollywood hit.
THE REVIEWERS INVITATION
If you would like to participate, please see our web site at www.NextStopHollywood.org
MORE FYI
Our website -- www.NextStopHollywood.org -- explains in detail who we are, what we are looking for and why we are looking for it. But here is the abridged version:
WHO ARE WE?- My partner and I have been in the television and publishing worlds for 20 years, as producers, publishers, and writers. (I have written five books, including three bestsellers and numerous articles including some award-winners.)
WHAT ARE WE LOOKING FOR?- Our selection process is two-tiered: First, we ask people who like movies to assess the stories for their film potential. (We use a simple and pretty nifty evaluation form.) Second, we have an editorial board of movie industry insiders. The 15 stories we think have the most potential -- and they may not be the "best" stories -- will be acquired for publication and optioned.
WHY ARE WE LOOKING FOR STORIES?-For years, short stories were a major source of critically acclaimed and successful movies. Most were first published in "popular" (as opposed to literary) magazines: Colliers, Saturday Evening Post, Mademoiselle. The magazines are gone but many writers are still writing stories that have movie potential.
Producers are interested, but we have to find the stories.
We are also still accepting submissions.
If you are interested in either submitting a story or in evaluating them, we want to hear from you. You can contact us through our website: www.NextStopHollywood.org
I loved this version! Really it was great. The action plus a character you can relate to.
You even made the Deimos II come alive!
Other Comments: The only thing I saw that needed looking at was the paragraph below.
The Deimos II rocked as heated shrapnel bounced off it, denting and scarring the fighter's light armor. A spiderweb crack appeared on the canopy. Jerik winced, hurling the plane into a dive. Too late, he realized his mistake- alarms went off all over his cockpit, warning of targeting locks. He had to think fast- too fast. The first round of antiaircraft fire roared upwards to his left.
It was in all Italics. Did you mean to do that? If so why?
verall impressions:
I love fantasty/scifi so this was right up my alley. Overall I thought it was an interesting story. I wasn't quite sure where it was leading yet but that's not a bad thing. What you have there was enough to make me want to read more (which is the point).
Things I liked:
I like the fact that the cahracters were animals. It reminded me of another book I read "The Crimson Claw" Since you are writing about animals (especially felines you might want to check it out... it could give you a could feel, and ideas for what you're working on).
Things I think should be cut:
Nothing I can find jumped up at me and said "ouch! this doesn't need to be there".
Things that need rewording:
Nothing specific... however I have noticed that you tell us things that might have a greater impact if instead it was shown or implied and not stated directly.
For Example: the Sentence... It was becoming clearer why Tristen had told him to leave his sword and armor behind- on the trail they were following, such items would only be a hindrance and tire him out faster.
... could instead be shown. Help us to see how difficult the trek was. Perhap mentioning how heavy the armour was, or some such thing, but not actually saying "such items would only be a hinderance and tire him out faster"
Other sentences you might want to think about rewording can be found in the visulization Comments section.
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling:
I didn't notice anything but the truth is I am terrible in this area myself (though not as bad as I once was) so I can't really help you with this.
Plot comments:
What I got of the plot so far is that there are raiders and there about to attack a town and ... that's about it. I don't really know where you are going yet so I can't really comment on the plot yet. However as you add to this feel free to post it here and I will continue to read and review till the last word.
Setting/Character:
The setting wasn't really clear yet. We have a town but the town's not really real to me yet, some hills (this was discribed abit more, but not much) and all set on a different planet (I'm assuming) which has not been identified or detailed as yet. The animals cahracters are interesting and the dialog has given me a good feel for the developing personalities/ personas of each character (good job on that). Overall the character dialog is carrying the story nicely.
Things you found confusing / questions:
The plot is unclear as yet, so is the background of the characters, and the planet but that is not neccessarily a bad thing as long as things things will be forthcoming in your story soon.
The following are questions I had:
The town where is it?
Why do wovles, cougars, cats, foxs, etc... all who are natural enimeis associate with each other?
What planet is this?
Why are these animals called by earth names?
The following also needed explanations Feratimos ghera-cat
Visualization comments:
The following are sentences which could (in my opinion) could be rewritten to give more visualization instaed of verbalization of what's going on.
Rage and sorrow twisted together as he held the bear’s paw to his chest, growling in frustration. The growl quickly became a grunt of pain as something sharp dug into his palm.
The hunting trio had only just missed them- it was a stroke of luck that Tristen had not been discovered or ambushed on his way back. And if they were this close and traveling west, they could not possibly miss Irukstahn. A cold fear gripped him.
Title / name comments:
I liked the names you came up with for the town and the people. They all felt natural... they weren't tongue twisters.
Other Suggestions & Opinions:
none
Thanks again for posting. I enjoyed reading this and I hope this review helps.
-CC
Short but interesting. The section with the dialog needs more. It feels aburt and crowded.
What do I mean by more? Example below:
"Start saving state quarters for me." A voice whispered in my mind. I glanced around but saw no one.
"Why?" I whispered back tentatively. "What do you want those for?"
"I just want them. That's all that you need to know." The voice was clipped now, annoyed.
"Well, why do I need to collect them for you?" I asked, too put out to be scared.
"Because you can." The voice said harsly. Then it softened cajolingly. "Sarah listen. Please try to understand. In my time, I can't even get one. You can get all that you want. They are everywhere."
"OK." I conceded, not wanting to annoy her again. "I guess I can get some for you. Who are you anyway?"
"My name is Alisza." The voice replied, quite friendly now that I'd given in. "It is difficult to explain things to you because you are asleep. I can only give you small amounts of information at each visit. Just think of me as your granddaughter." She explained patiently.
Curious I called out."So, will I meet you in person someday?"
"No." Her voice was growing distant. "I am four generations into the future."
"So, you are my granddaughter and then some. Is that right Alisza?" I asked, but suddenly the voice was gone.
"Alisza?" I called out, knowing she wouldn't answer but needing to fill the void. "Tell me more Alisza. Why did you pick me?"
"Alisza?"
"Alisza?" We only spoke for moments but somehow I felt empty without her, and fell asleep wondering when I'd hear her again.
I hope this illustration helps.
-CC
If you like Sci-Fi you should check out my In & Out Trekkie Talk & Sci-Fi Plug Page. Fell free to plug your sci-fi related stuff here.
On the whole a nice piece. It could be better with a little tightening up.
Favorite lines:
groping the remnants of my dreams
startling uncertain crows
to be sewn to your sleeve
the blunt soles of passersby
good intentions postponed to get to work on time
the awkward angles of my body
having a million eyes and no mouth
Suggestions:
1. rearrage some of the wording to produce a greater impact.
2. cut some words & lines like "blindly", "into bits too small" "a blaze of passion" "then were forgotten" "wearing thin romantic finery" "the stain"
In order to help you visualize the above suggestions I have reworked your poem:
The day without knowing crawled
over the horizon groping
the remnants of my dreams startling
uncertain crows pecking my heart-
not much left now
to be sewn to your sleeve
in my unconscious
you waited while flowers grew up
opening themselves
in a slow blush of hope
trodden down or dismissed
by the blunt soles of passersby
slogging through the daily drudgery
of life pretending to romance
in champagne & maitre de finery
apathy replacing contempt
my existence, obscured
as night fell,
remained nothing
but the gleam in my eye
and my breath on your neck
heaven, an instant only,
lasts forever
not like this ruin of daydreams
and good intentions
postponed to rush
to work on time, meet
deadlines perpetuating
the status quo
a desert of duty
passionless and peopled
by strangers too intimate
to be touched
but longing
I pulled your words flush against me
syllables conforming
along the awkward angles of my body
like a blanket with a child
in the dark
in the crying cursed night cursed
for having a million eyes
and no mouth
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futility comes from a lack of sharing
I always suggest visiualization, involving the senses as much as possiible. 
Your sketch of the father through his son’s eyes (love interrupted by irritation). 
I'm not a stalker, I have an eye for beauty. 
What gift can I give you / Jesus Christ? 
There should be a comma after 
The poor and needy who need / to be fed / The ill who lay weak in their / beds 
Feratimos 
none