Hey, I thought I would take a minute to offer you a review on your story. I think the best thing here is the flashback. I think it needs a little work, but I believe it would make a better story on its own. A small suggestion I would make is to work a little on lyour dialogue. It does not sound quite as nautral as it could. You did do resolve one of the conflicts in the story, and that is a good thing. I was actually able to picture the Janitor in my head. A very detailed description.
#1594064
This was very nice kept me engrossed and interested. You may want to took at trimming the "fat" just a little, with some editing. I am not sure if you are going for a suprise ending, but I seen it coming from a mile away. I would suggest either taking out the guy whispering line or having your character wonder if the intruder was talking to himself. You may want to give David just a moment longer of relief after he knocks out the first guy, too well I hope this tiny review helped just a little
Hey, I thought I would take a minute to offer you a little review. The first thing I would like to say is nice job on getting the reader into the characters. I feel the little gestures and things really individualize them. A little advice I would offer is revising the story every so slightly, so that it does not open up with that little expositionary piece about the city. I just think your story would be better served if you open up with the action and then when the reader is hooked take a little time for explanation. That is just my opinion, and I may even be way off there. well hey great job so far
Hey nice story. This is a fine example of how I feel stories should be told. I think you grabbed the reader with the opening and kept their interest through out to a nice ending..The one thing I would point out is how you word a few things the first expample I can think of is "mom and dad sent her here to this place" for this brief moment as the narrartor you switch to a first person pov There are a couple of other places that you may want to edit your wording. A final small criticism is in the ending. The scene between Jamie dying and the bug crawling out is just way to drawn out. I'm not saying that it is bad writng, but a lot of it serves very little purpose to the story and just reads like filler other than that great job
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