Thanks for sharing this chapter from your novel. I can honestly say that I thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact, I'm eager to read more, and I hope to have that chance soon. The dialogue seems pretty fluid, I didn't notice any grammatical or punctuation errors (hooray!), and the story itself flowed and kept my interest throughout.
Anyway, as I read, these questions cropped up, like What is a Sand God, Why is this character in the middle of what must be a desert, Why is he searching for a swift death, etc... I'm happy to say that all the questions I asked as I read were answered as I read on. Thank you for that.
Something that I am left curious about, however, is the death/injury of the girl that Falroth apparently caused with his power. I'd like to know a little more about this. Is this something that is more detailed in the subsequent chapters? Also, Falroth is born into his power, right? From some ancestral/magical blood line? I wonder if this is also something that is elaborated on later? I realize that you can't spill all the beans in the first chapter, but I'd like to know that these little seeds planted here with grow into full grown trees later on in the book.
Thanks again for sharing. I think you have done some great work here.
I wanted to thank you for sharing your work. Although this story is very short, we are able to catch a glimpse of what Moksha's life was like before her husband's sudden illness and death. We are able to see the love they held for one another, as well as the love that grows within their children. The story is short and sweet.
A few things that I think would help this story blossom would be to add more depth to these characters, as well as their surroundings. While "a lot of greenery" invokes a certain landscape, it's still vague. What kind of greenery? Vines snaking through the trees? Trees fully dressed with leaves? Is Moksha educated? What type of education did she receive? Does she work? How does Mohit expect her to stand on her own two feet, and does she do this while they are married?
I'm a lover of description, and knowing what the characters look like helps me fall into the story better. So, what do these characters look like? How do they interact with one another? Do they hold hands as they walk across the yard? Do they kiss in parting for the work day?
While we are not told int he story that the parents have moved from India to be with Moksha and her children, we see them in the end bringing the children back from an outing. When and why did they move? Or did they move? Maybe they're just visiting.
I hope these suggestions and questions help. If you have any questions, please feel free to ask.
I like the flow of this piece. I think it would make a great song since you have repeated stanzas that could easily become a chorus. There is a tone of hurt and pain that is easily related to since most of us have been hurt at one time or another. I especially llike the 'you left me branded...' stanza. the visual I get from this ties the whole piece together for me. The center justification makes it visually pleasing. Nice work and thanks for sharing!
This is a haunting piece. I'm also thinking that a large bit of this would actually make a great song. Have you ever given thought to writing lyrics? The first stanza really pulls at me and speaks to me in a personal way. As a woman, I have cried lonely tears and felt that I was alone, left to my own devices and I felt I had withered into nothingness. Please, keep writing and sharing. Thank you.
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