This is great!
From the opening lines, I immediately became heavily intrigued in the world of this story. A dark, bleak world where people get brought into these monstrous facilities where some are seemingly forced to do a variety of disturbing tasks; whether it be manufacturing new body parts, or getting their organs removed so they can test out the manufactured ones. Not to mention that most of the fresh new recruits that the facility pulls in are teenagers.
While the story isn't the most gruesome, save for the quick description of the nightmares that the MC gets, the mere thought of the things that happen in The Omega is stomach churning enough.
There are also additional inferences within the text itself that add to the horror of the dystopia, like the old woman laughing off everything that happens in The Omega and the MCs throat going dry when they pass by the testing rooms.
Again, excellent work, loved all of the little details and worldbuilding.
An interesting start.
One thing that I will say is that this appears to a piece of historical fiction, and as a reader who doesn't have the greatest knowledge of history, some additional context to the setting would've been appreciated (I do understand that this is only the first chapter of an ongoing, so if additionally details of the setting are going to be given in chapters to come, that is totally fine).
I am able to infer from the names of some of the characters and some of the dialogue that the story takes place in (what I at least believe) is Germany, but I'm not quite sure what era. I don't think that this is World War II era Germany, so I'm going to make a guess and say that this is some time in the 50s or 60s (I know that I could just google the models of the planes and firearms mentioned to get a better general idea, but where's the fun in that?).
To put it simply, I really hope that setting gets more formally established in the early parts of the story.
Along with the setting, I am interested to read about more details of the characters themselves. Like what's Harriet deal? This appears to be a military story, so why is she in the military?
Overall, an okay first chapter, I just wish that there was more context given to help establish the story itself.
For a YA romance blurb, I found the actual romance bits between Lena and Joe to be decently paced. A lot of Lena’s character progression is through her relationship with Joe, and I will say that at first I didn’t really like her, I found her to be a little too snooty, but she came to show a more vulnerable side in the later parts of the story, which improved her a little bit.
I do think that this story overall would be a lot better if it just solely focused on Lena and Joe. The bits with George and Linda felt unnecessary, and somewhat cliché for YA fiction (this especially goes for the whole picnic sequence with George and Lena).
The dialogue was very prim and proper, which is fitting considering that the characters all come from upper-class backgrounds, but there were certain points where those aspects were a bit forced and excessive, making the characters seem unrealistically verbose.
Overall, it’s a fine little teenage heartthrob story with music as a backdrop, but once again, certain aspects were just pretty cliché in execution.
Pretty okay start!
With this first chapter, you did a pretty good job of establishing certain aspects of the world (or at the moment, the lack there of) that the story is set in, but also left room for a lot of curiosity and questions.
Who are the other four guardians aside from Persona, and what are their functions? Is there any specific reason the narrator was chosen to become “God”? We know that there was one God before them, but were there any others before even that?
One can only hope that all of these questions get established answers as the series go on.
Story stuff aside, I did notice a few grammatical errors, nothing that totally detracted from immersion, but still, I’d suggest more closely proof reading and editing for future chapters.
This poem displayed quite a lot of creativity, fitting since it feels like it is is about creativity.
With the lines that deal with dragons and chaos, this simple little saraband made me feel like I was being transported to some far off fantasy world, it’s pretty great stuff!
I really like how the first half of the poem describes the dream starting out nice and familiar, the old memories bringing a short sense of comfort just after the darkness floods in.
Speaking of water metaphors, I liked the description of flowing deeper into slumber like a stream as the good dreams come to end.
Then there was the monstrous depictions of the nightmares. “Demons” and “beasts” that invade the good dreams, turning them bad to quench some sort of personified hunger. It’s pretty creepy stuff.
Super suspenseful, I found this to be very gripping.
Even though this is a short flash piece, the span of time that the story takes place over is well captured, I practically felt the days, weeks, months, and years pass with the characters.
It also helps add to the horrifying realization that there is more than meets the eye going on in the story’s setting.
Not naming the characters and doing much to characterize, just referring to them plainly as “The Couple” also added to the horror elements, because it makes them seem like just another two victims in what could possibly be a whole string of disappearances, given the nature of ambiguity in the story.
Very good use of repetition.
I think that you did a really good job of encapsulating the different ways that the heart can break, and the difficulty of trying to just keep going.
As you put it, it is a struggle, and I think that it’s a struggle that a lot of people have been through, and because of that, the poem is very easy to connect with.
Pretty alright start.
You did a good job of introducing an air of mystery between Leslie and Gracie’s relationship as siblings, and you leave room for lots of questions for your readers.
“Why does Gracie not know Leslie even though their twins?”
“Why does Gracie knock out Leslie?”
You’ve got the potential for a very interesting dynamic between these two characters.
I hope you do some world building in the first chapter, kinda help establish what exactly is going on around these two characters, an maybe uncover more of Leslie and Graces past.
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