Reviewing your short story, The Old Man of the Mountain.
This is the first time I’ve written a review for you, so I must warn you not to be frightened by the fact that the review is longer than the story! It’s a good story; I’m just obsessive. 
PLOT
Your plot is a very good one, but it begs to be longer. This is an interesting story that could easily be turned into a novella or even a novel. There’s not room to adequately explore it in a short story form. You’d have to find a way to bring back the AI, but you’ve already laid the groundwork by having one of the teachers start to “grow” another one. I like the idea that the artificial intelligence can see what everyone else fails to see (probably because they’ve become so dependent upon that AI that they’ve forgotten how to think for themselves) and I think it would be a very interesting story if every computer Lafe encountered was able to see through him. Hmm. Very interesting indeed. In a society absolutely tied to its computers, he’d have to circumvent every AI he met. That’s a very good germ for a story. I really hope that you decide to expand this story.
CHARACTERS
Lafe and the Old Man are the two main characters, and in this format you’ve only given yourself time to make the barest sketch of their personalities, but they have the potential to be great characters. If you only expanded the section where the Old Man begins to suspect Lafe, you could develop them a great deal. Show what the AI sees in Lafe, and you’ll demonstrate the computer’s thought processes, as well as the warning signs in the young man.
MECHANICS
My comments will be in red; your original words will be in black.
They called him the Old Man of the Mountain, or just the Old Man, for short. He had watched a thousand generations of them march by, entering the Academy as bright faced children, eager to be the next Hannibal, Rommel or Le Croix, and graduating with their faces carved out of stone, ready for the wars of the Outside. He had guided them, watched them, loving each of them as a face with accompanying statistics on dossiers. And so the years passed, and it was good, until one student was admitted who changed everything: Lafayette Ilium.
For some reason it was hard for me to get through this paragraph and into the story. I read it over and over because my eyes just kept gliding over it without taking it in. I’m not sure why (maybe I was just too tired/distracted.) But the concrete things I can point out are that, despite the fact that you mention the thousand generations, I didn’t realize that you were talking about a computer. I didn’t get this until midway through the section where you show the conference between the Old Man and the teachers. When I finally figured that out, it made this first sections make a lot more sense. Another thing that seemed to hang me up was the bit about the “faces carved out of stone.” I guess I was taking that literally.
Eleanor and Arthur Ilium
1136 Marathon Blvd.
Far Sparta, Utopia Planitia
049-527-938
This is another thing that hung me up at the beginning. I think it was just the formatting. I’ve read a lot of science fiction books where each chapter begins with a lot of mocked-up statistics for a planet, or communiqués in this type of format, and I can never really “get it” until I’ve been reading the book for a while, so I guess I sort of skip it. (Hmm. I’m making myself sound like a moron.) I think it might be simpler to start out that section by saying something like, “The letter was addressed to Eleanor and Arthur Ilium, 1136 Marathon Blvd, Far Sparta, Utopia Planitia, so there could be no mistake.” Also, boulevards are not usually residential streets, are they?
Recovering quickly and glancing up and down the street to see in if any of the neighbors had observed her surprise, knowing that rumors spread like sand storms in the small suburb.
This is not a complete sentence. You could fix it by changing it to, “Recovering quickly, she glanced…”
…to the family’s long, low pristinely white house.
Since it doesn’t really matter for the story’s sake what the house looks like, maybe you could reduce the number of adjectives you use to describe it.
The man practically shouted, clapping his son on the back, who glared up at him.
The way you’ve got this sentence makes it sound like the boy’s back glared at him.
“Alright, Arthur, alright, calm down,” she cautioned, “Here we go: To Mr. and Mrs. Ilium, we are…”
Should be a period after “cautioned” and “Illium.” The “alright” looks funny to me. I think it should be “all right.” “Cautioned” would be better replaced with “said.”
Once again, congratulations, signed Vice Commandant Ezra Shan,” she finished breathless.
You need a comma after “finished” otherwise you’ll have to change “breathless” to “breathlessly,” and we like to avoid adverbs. Also, the letter says “Once again, congratulations,” but it never actually said “congratulations” before that. (It said “pleased to inform.”)
…with a smile on his face that did not hide the fact very well that he was not overly ecstatic…
This part didn’t work very well. Too many words. I also didn’t like “not overly ecstatic.” I’m a big fan of understatement, but I don’t think it works very well with this particular word choice. I think it would sound better, “…with a smile that failed to hide his lack of enthusiasm…”
…by now I would have built up some sort of credit in your eyes…
The Commandant of the Academy looked tired, “For the last time,” he said exhaustedly rubbing his eyes…
Needs a period after “tired” and a comma after “said.” As I mentioned before, we don’t like adverbs, so it would be better to do away with “exhaustedly.” And since you’ve already said he’s tired, and since he’s rubbing his eyes, it’s not necessary to say he’s exhausted.
He’s already been in three fights with fellow students and his roommate has asked for a transfer twice and this is only a month into the first year!
You shouldn’t string so many things along with “ands.” You can either replace the first “and” with a comma, or you can sidestep the problem by putting a dash before the second “and.” I like this choice because it goes nicely with the exclamation point, making it sound like the Old Man has added another point in his excitement about the subject.
“He’s just… pugnacious, that’s all, and may I remind you that we are running a military academy here,” as the Old Man began to protest…. more intelligent,” he turned off the screen.
Needs periods after “all,” after “here,” and after “intelligent.”
The old Man swung his chair around and stared into the dark void of his personal chamber and wondered why he hated Lafayette Ilium so much.
Too many “ands” again. This time you can fix it by replacing “and wondered” with “, wondering.”
As soon as the cadet’s dossier had been fed through his processors, he had received definite feelings of unrest and dislike that filtered through his subconscious neural pathways into the light of his conscious thought.
When I read this the first time, I was still under the impression that the Old Man was a person. And it’s no wonder, considering that he’s talking about “vibes” he’s getting, rather than anything concrete that a computer might actually deduce. I think this could use some more exposition, especially a reason why the computer “received” these feelings. From where?
He had decided then that there was something distinctly wrong with Lafayette Ilium and he could not be allowed to make it through the first year at the OMMA.
The way you say this makes it sound like the Old Man decided that the Old Man couldn’t be allowed to make it through the first year of school.
it was self-assigned, the only kind of work that Lafayette liked to do.
Replace this comma with a dash.
He heard a sound and turned as the door opened and his roommate Edward Reagan practically fell through it sweaty and laughing, “OK, guys, wait there, I’ll be right out. Hey, Lafe.”
Needs a comma before “sweaty” and a period after “laughing.”
The fly inched closer, slowly getting in range to see the boy’s computer screen and what he was working on.
You don’t need to say “and what he was working on” because that’s the only reason he’d be looking at the screen, and also because you talk about what the boys are working on in the next sentence.
Almost there, he was thinking triumphantly
Needs a comma after “triumphantly.”
The Old Man had been watching Ilium in his classes and had seen the disrespect with which the boy treated his instructors, acting condescendingly when he was not being downright rude.
”Acting condescendingly” is rather awkward. Maybe you could find another way to say he treated his instructors with disrespect, condescension and downright rudeness.
Since the founding of the school comma the Old Man had held the teachers in the highest respect, for they had been the ones that had made him, programming the massive systems that grew into his present incarnation.
In another place, the Old Man is somewhat disrespectful of the teachers because they no longer have any sense. Maybe you could develop this a bit more. Decide whether he respects them or not, and if it’s both, explore that dichotomy. (Also, your use of the phrase “present incarnation” seems to lay the groundwork for the idea that when a new AI is grown, it might be another form of the Old Man who will again try to thwart Lafe.)
…he had been becoming more…
”been becoming” is kind of awkward. How about “been growing.” Later in this paragraph you say that the Old Man is spending 3% of his thought processes on Lafe, but earlier in this section, you say that it’s nearly a full percentage point. I like the idea that he keeps allocating more processor time to this project, but you’ve got to space it out into different sections.
…a general, and giving a dictator the knowledge…
The comma should be a period.
…but he should have known better than to let this fledgling Morgan, this Hitler-to-be into his school.
You don’t need “but” because the part before the comma has a “while.”
…flattened it, “Hey Lafe…
Period after “it.”
…he joked at his roommate who merely glared at him and returned to his work, “I don’t understand where they’re all coming from,” he looked around…
I don’t think you can “joke at” somebody. Need a period after “work” and “from.”
“Lafe straightened up for a moment as if he had heard something interesting…
Remove the quotes before “Lafe.” Show, don’t tell, that Lafe was finally interest in something his roommate said.
…an alarm tore the silence of study hall into pieces.
The term “study hall” makes it sound like they’re studying with other kids. Maybe you could change it to “study hour,” or something, so that we’ll know the boys are still in their dorm room.
It filled their screens as the two made for the door. Ed reached it first and stepped through it as it opened for him. Just as Ilium reached it, however, it slammed shut in his face.
This might just be personal, but I think there are too many instances of the word “it” in this short paragraph.
…he saw that the door was shut, sound proofing the room and not allowing the sound of blaring alarm to escape along with his roommate.
This bit is confusing to read. I think that saying that the room was sound proofed and then saying that the sound wasn’t allowed to leave is redundant. Maybe you could find a different way to say that when the door shut it looked the sound of the alarm and his roommate inside.
He was also surprised to find that he was alone in the hall, with no one else running from a gas leak. Ed smelled a rat and ran for a superior officer like the good soldier he was being trained to be.
Break the first sentence into two sentences (possibly connected with a semicolon) at the comma. Remove the cliché about the stinky rodent in the second sentence.
He began to type furiously, his fingers a blur as they desperately tried to stop the leak that threatened his like. As the gas sank lower, he glanced up and typed faster.
”Like” should be “life.” I’m confused as to how a computer that wasn’t hooked up to the school’s network was able to stop the gas leak. As soon as he patched into the system, the Old Man would have stopped him.
He didn’t die and he’s alive and well.
Redundant.
The Old Man looked stunned, his head still as a chill ran through his processors.
This sentence looks like you’re trying to make a simile about a head as still as a chill the first time you read it. A comma after “still” might fix it, but I’d suggest removing “, his head still.”
It was impossible, he thought, as he slumped back in his chair.
You assign a lot of physical activities to the AI, but I don’t think he has a “body” except when he’s interacting with the teachers, does he?
Now it would look even worse if the boy died, no one would believe another accident.
Period instead of comma.
the Old Man’s room, and in his hand was a gun.
”And in his hand was a gun” needs to be a new sentence, if not a new paragraph. This concept is important enough to be a one-sentence paragraph.
“Well, well, Old Man, so this is where you work your magic,” the voice was thin and ready but underneath, there was something distinctly menacing, “I should have…
Period after “magic” and “menacing.”
I’ve gotten a good look at what you read on your computer, Mein Kampf,” he laughed derisively, “Hitler was insane.”
Use a colon after “computer” and a period after “derisively.”
“I know that, Old Man,” the epithet sounded less than flattering coming from Ilium, “But one can always learn from mistakes,” he paused for a breath, “Enough talk, though, now I need to make sure that you can never get in my way again,” he raised the gun.”
Periods instead of commas after “Old Man,” “Illium,” “mistakes,” “breath,” and “again.”
morphed into a smile, ‘You’re right, of course,
Period after “smile.” Double quote instead of single quote in front of “You’re.”
Nine years later Lafayette Ilium graduated from the Olympus Mons Military Academy with highest honors. Within weeks he was hired by the Elysium army as a consultant.
Needs a comma after “later.” The second sentence is passive voice. Change it to “Within weeks, the Elysium army hired him as a consultant.”
QUESTIONS/SUGGESTIONS
Why was Lafe so disappointed to get into the academy? What plans of his did this thwart? He seems to make “good” use of his time there, so I wonder what he would have done had he not been accepted.
Why were the teachers at the school loath to take the Old Man’s suggestions about Lafe when they followed his lead in virtually (ha! a pun!) everything else?
Why did Lafe discount a teacher’s involvement in the “fume leak” plot out of hand? Demonstrate the teachers’ failings so that this will be more obvious to the reader.
Why does it take even as long as it did for Lafe to suspect the AI’s involvement in the “fume leak” plot? It seems as though he would have targeted the only intelligence in the school sooner.
What was Lafe’s motive for his “little war?” (This is definitely a part that needs to be expanded in the longer version.) And was I reading it correctly that the war he started caused an invasion of his own planet? If this is so, was it just to get back at his parents, perhaps for sending him to the school? That would certainly be something interesting to explore.
OVERALL IMPRESSIONS
Like I said, this really needs to be longer. It’ll be fascinating, and I can’t wait to read the longer version. If you haven’t already, I suggest reading “Ender’s Game” by Orson Scott Card. It bears many similarities to your story. Lafe is quite a bit like Peter Wiggin, and the school and its AI are a lot like Ender’s. It would be good for you to read a story so similar to yours so that you can see what to avoid and, conversely, how to develop yours. Besides, “Ender’s Game” is just a fantastic book and anybody interested in the stuff you seem interested in should read it. (In my opinion. )
Write On!
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I'm going to move on before I hurt myself.