A good start to an interesting premise. However, I would caution a number of very general things. First, rare is the chapter of a novel (even when it is chapter 1) that does not do more than introduce a character. I can give no story-arc to this chapter--rather, all I can say is that we have met a gryphon who is kept in a cell. We see nothing of the extruding world, no indication of a time period, and really nothing at all besides the introduction of characters. I guess what I'm saying is that for this to be a standalone "chapter", I feel as if something should happen.
Second, consider using line breaks between dialogue. It makes your piece easier on the eyes and less formidable.
Third, it is hard to tell who's perspective this story is told from. At first, it feels like the gryphon's perspective because we are told he awakes with a headache. However, through the chapter the gryphon is continually describes as a detached "it" and we get few, if any, glimpses into its head. While we "meet" the gryphon, we really know nothing about the way it thinks. You may want to give this story a more subjective viewpoint.
Other than this, it looks good! Don't be discouraged by the sheer enormity of tackling a novel--you'll find that your chapters toward the end blow away your chapters from the beginning.
Also, if you're interested, I recently posted the prologue to my upcoming novel, Stormfall. It will be fantasy/sci-fi novel with post-apocalyptic themes and lots of "legendary creatures". Check it out at my page (item #1961791) and give me review if you'd like!
Cheers,
-csd
"The world is full of stories--I make it my job to bring them into the light."
This has the beginnings of a good story, but you are right in asking about your sentence structure. It is not the story or the thought here that is problematic, but rather the spacing, pacing, and break down of your sentences.
In general, I think you would do well to cut down the length of each sentence. You have several run-ons and others that contain unnecessary and extraneous thoughts.
For example. -- "How could I just go by, that’s what I always do, get scared and go past any sort of new experience because of it. This time I’ll stop, this time I’ll have a new experience to share with someone."
Both sentences could be cut in pieces. A better form would read "How could I just go by? That's what I always do, isn't it? I get scared and fly past any sort of new experience because of it. This time I'll stop. This time, I'll have a new experience."
The pacing in the new version flows better in the story, especially because it is such a short piece. In a short piece that is meant to convey fear and apprehension, short and choppy sentence can really help to present your mood more effectively. Consider cutting up any sentence that presents more than one or two separate thoughts. In doing this, you will add variety to sentence structure, improve pacing, and allow the reader to enjoy your story rather than fight through the words.
Other than this, I think you have writing talent. Consider exploring a more innovative story, or expanding this one--perhaps the stranger is an alien? Or is he the resurrected corpse of the protagonist's father? Maybe it's the protagonist himself, dead in the future and returned to take vengeance on his past self. Whoooo knows.
Cheers,
-csd
"The world is full of stories--I make it my job to bring them into the light."
Don't be afraid to check out the piece I just placed on the review page called "Prologue - Stormfall". It is the prologue to my new mind-bending sci-fi/fantasy thriller.
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