Excellent! How much growth is evident already since your first poem. What fun!
The rhythm and rhyme are excellent in this piece. I can feel the angst of the groom and the racing of his thoughts, as well as building anxiety until the last stanza. Very enjoyable. Keep up the great work!
Very nice job. It is not an easy feat to get 10 syllables in each line, stick to the theme, have it make sense, find words that rhyme, and not get repetitive with fillers to make the syllables/rhymes work!
Sonnets are one of my favorite types of poems to write. I feel these days that some of the more structured styles of poetry that have guidelines or "rules", if you will, end up taking a back seat to free verse. They may sound old fashioned to some, but I think that the creativity involved in getting your message across, or describing your situation while meeting specific criteria clearly takes talent that should be recognized. Certainly a lost art...at the very least, misplaced.
Awwww....DON'T GIVE UP! DON'T GIVE UP!
You are off to a great start. Really. Your rhyming is great. Very catchy and entertaining. Your rhythm is good, too! This piece was certainly fun to read.
I hope this doesn't really mean that you are giving up and that it is simply part of the poem that introduces you to writing poetry!
Keep up the good work and WRITE ON!
Ok...so I am a big fan of the hip hop/rap style of rhyming...which it seems you are doing here. My boys all write this way. It has been a HUGE coping mechanism in our family that has helped them all through a lot of crap. So I'm there with you.
I believe this poem/song has great potential. I feel overall, it is really deep and meaningful and I applaud your efforts and your message wholeheartedly.
I think you were on a major roll and it was flowing...and then for me, after you wrote the line about endless possibilities you kind of lost me. I don't know if you ran out of ideas for your original theme....or if you blended another theme...but I feel like the message ended there.
Sometimes when I write poetry, I realize that I reach a place where the flow ends temporarily and I have to go back to it another time to see if I can pick the groove back up. Most often, I can. Other times, I realize the poem is simply shorter than I originally intended.
I just feel like the second part of this poem is more about finding words that rhyme with each other and less about the AMAZING message you started with. The next few lines about the shrink, I think that could fit in, but the toilet flushing part lost me completely. Maybe that's the point of the poem? That the huge message and fears relayed at the beginning are too much of a burden and so you say you'll get back to this another day? Just questions/thoughts here.
The short, succinct two and three word lines clearly describe what is going on in the poem. Even if you had not told us ahead of time that this poem is about a shipwreck, the theme came through completely. My favorite lines are "furious waters", "raven skies" and "threadbare clothes.". I had an English professor in college who said never to use more than a few "million dollar" words in any piece. I think you have the perfect balance.
The progressions of emotions that come through during an experience such at this are spot on. For anyone who has experimented with drugs, I feel this will speak to them. For anyone who might be contemplating doing so, I believe this may encourage them to think twice.
I really like it that you ended with the simple, straightforward answer of YES at the end...the only answer to the many questions asked in the poem.
Well done. Write on!
First of all, I want to say that I hope that your writing provides an outlet for your pain that inhibits any real intention to hurt yourself. I am a nurse and so beyond the writer in me, I have concern for your safety. If you DO have intentions of hurting yourself, please reach out to someone who cares about you, or to a suicide hotline, or your local emergency room or call 911 and ask for help...and I hope this review finds you OK and moving forward. Writing has been such a cleansing therapy for me, but just wanting to know that you are safe.
That being said, I feel the rhythm of your poem is quite good. I was able to move through the stanzas quite easily without awkward stumbling. I have an affinity for poems that rhyme, which I believe is a poetic quality that is under appreciated these days.
The repetition of the "I hope you see what you have done" stanza lends itself to offer not only a tragic song-like feeling from the poem, but I feel it also effectively replays the message of anger and hurt that is so blatant and raw. Very human. This will easily speak to others who have lived the same pain.
I understand the concept of this poem, and I like it. Being beside someone does not always mean that you are connected or together, even in a relationship.
My only issue with this poem is that in trying to put myself physically in this position, I find it hard to imagine "lying back to back " and looking at the clouds...although I understand this could be metaphorical.
Very enjoyable poem. I have many that are short, and sometimes people tell me they think they are too short...but I stop writing when the idea/feeling I am trying to express is complete. I think you have done the same with this poem.
I really enjoyed the dialogue between Jake and Sam. The description of Sam's office suite and the anticipation versus the reality took me to the place, for sure. The dialogue then, in itself, really helped me to know Sam very quickly. His unknowingly witty remarks and colorful stories brought to mind the saying "you can't make this stuff up"...and yet Sam is such a character, it made me wonder whether or not some of his comments were actually dry humor disguised as fact.
The interaction with the buddy seemed like a bit of a rocky transition from the interaction with Jake. There was such a great. descriptive lead up to the Sam part of the piece, I guess I just wanted a bit more background information, or more details for this part of the story.
Word chioce:
Overall the word choice is good, I feel. I love the thoughtful use of, what my English Composition professor called a "million dollar word". Unctions adds variety but is not overbearing.
I am wondering if you meant to have 2 separate voices in this poem, In reading, I feel that with the word "Tho" a completely different poem begins, or a second speaker enters the poem. I really each section, but I am not sure how they fit together. It left me feeling a bit confused once I read through this section. It left me feeling like I wanted some more information.
I do REALLY like whomever the speaker is in the last 4 lines and think I would love to read another poem, or short story about her.
Please remember, this is all just feeback from me as a reader. If it makes sense to you, that's what counts!
First, let me say that I am a big fan of couplet rhyming poetry...big fan of rhyming poetry, in general, really. I have been frustrated with many published poetry collections in recent years that have had, in my opinion, far too many "abstract" free verse poems that have left me thinking..."what they heck are they even talking about?" I think rhyming work, done well, stands to reach a larger audience...even if they don't get the poem...they may dig the rhyme. But I digress...
I never thought about how disenfranchised Plutonians must feel about having their planet "disenplanified" by the establishment here on Earth....like they are Whos on Horton's speck of dust or something.
Such a fun and simple concept that so greatly details how self-important we are here on earth as a species. Awesome big, complex message wrapped in a simple, yet cleverly, written humorous poem. Kudos! Write on!
Raw, honest, and true. This is a beautiful poem. What a wonderful way to honor your unborn. I believe that love is timeless and the strength in writing this poem AND sharing it with others stands to offer lessons of growth, understanding, tolerance and acceptance to others and of others. That, in itself, is an expression of love. For whatever reason your unborn remained so...it was not in vain...you have offered your unborn a great legacyt through this beautiful poetry. May peace be with you.
Really like the rhythm and repetition for strength of theme. Ironically, there is no lack of words in expression of your feelings in your writing ABOUT being shy...isn't that just the way. I was painfully shy when I was young...and then, as an adolescent swung the pendulum to the extreme...I hope you have been able to, or are able to, find the balance that you need to feel comfortable. Great read. Thanks for sharing!
Powerful, emotionally charged edict of love. Few thoughts: the word "burns" is used a lot. Is this intentional as a theme? Or might word substitution be tried for variety. Just curious. Not a criticism of right or wrong...just an observation and a question as a reader offering a review.
Also, regarding punctuation, just so your readers don't get distracted from the poem by the error, "it's" is the contraction for 'it is"...whereas "its" is the possessive for it. This is one of the exceptions to the apostrophe rule as it usually applies to possessive pronouns.
A very enjoyable read...and I like that you chose to center the poem, as well. Enjoyable to read AND to look at. Thanks for sharing!
Wow. This is a very powerful piece of poetry. I have an unsettled feeling about each word being capitalized. It made it difficult for me to determine where one thought ended and another began. However, upon reflection of the feeling it evoked within me, I thought that maybe this technique was appropriate 1) because it is so emotionally charged and when emotions are so severe and angry/sad/frustrated it IS hard to know when one thought ends and another begins...and 2) Each line of each stanza, when written this way, could, in itself, be the title and a complete thought, in itself. Left me feeling sad for the mother, the son, and his bride, as well.
I will forever be a fan of poetry that is overflowing with lovey, mushy, romance and fantasy. I am also a fan of poetry that combines relatively even stanzas thus making the poem pleasing to look at before even reading the words. Finally, I love the bravery of the modern use of the classic, Old World "O". Nicely done!
I don't think it needs any more...I think it is complete. The only lines I stumbled over were "She stares at the sunsets impart
He stares at the moons start" as they don't share the same amount of syllables as the other couplets do. Not bad...just feedback. This could be symbolic of where their hearts begin to beat separately....an extra, or missed beat, if you will. Sometimes I have written in such a way and decide to leave it as it is as the words are the ones that I want.. Other times I choose to work with the word choices to convey the emotion or thought, but maintain the matching of syllables. Nice work!
I really enjoyed all of these poems. I especially identified with 'Winning is Everything' and 'Fear'. I have a few pieces that have a similar tone/theme. 'Autumn' brought to mind one of my favorite images from the movie 'What Dreams May Come". Not sure if you have seen it but the scarf, it seems, symbolizes his wife and a time when their existence was easy & carefree. Thanks for sharing this great work!
This poem has great rhythm and rhyme. I am a huge fan of this type of poem. You have artfully combined a feeling of modern theme/writer with more traditional/historical/Old World sounding phrases like "couldn't give a Tinker's damn". This is a very enjoyable poem. Thanks!
I am rapidly becoming a big fan! The theme and the essence of this story brought to mind two books I have read. One, "Christ the Lord": Out of Egypt: A Novel by Ann Rice hypothesizing what life was like for Jesus as a youth. Much of the story, as I recall, is written in a similarly enjoyable, fable-like way. The second book, "outside wonderland" by Lorna Jane Cook has a theme that straddles the realms of heaven and earth.
My attention was captured, for sure. I had to reread a few spots for clarity, but overall it flowed really well. Thanks for another enjoyable read!
Awesome. I was drawn in immediately and you held my attention right until the end. I have mixed feelings about the last sentence...part of me wanted it to be more poetic...and yet, when I reread it, it was poignant in its simplicity. As a nurse, I have witnessed many deaths, and the perception DOES seem to be that the true"beginning of the end" is all so painless. I hope it actually is.
Your character descriptions are phenomenal. I was able to experience the therapist, Bill, and Jim as if I was in the same room watching the scene take place. As a newbie, I will continue to read your work as inspiration! thank you!
as a side note: I am a big fan of the LMNOP section of the alphabet & have used it in conversational word play in many ways.
Often, I feel that the poetic genre struggles with being too random and abstract and renders itself incapable of appealing to a wide audience..."the masses", if you will. Poems such as this one have the ability to reach more people...to touch that inner, spiritual, caring place all humans have, but so many, I fear, do not allow out into the light of day as often as they should. Poems such as this challenge humans, at their core, to face fears and dare to grow. Kudos to you for keeping it real and using easily understood metaphors with a theme that says so much more by keeping it simple. I am also a fan of poetry that comes full circle and ends as it begins. Well done!
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