I enjoyed this story a great deal, so don't think otherwise by the review. I'm being picky to offer help, and it sure doesn't mean I'm right.
I'm unsure what the first paragraph is for. Is it part of the story? Is it an introduction that would go with the story? Either way it is not needed. If you don't know what a Banshee is, the story will tell it.
Although this happened in the past I'm not sure this needs to be mentoned. Might work better if it isn't so it could be happening even now. It could simply begin at "In a small town..." I'm not sure of 'about 60 sheep'. It isn't necessary to the tale so just 'sheep and other livestock' would work as well. Would he help out his hired hands, or work alongside them? 'Somewhat tight '– perhaps just tight. I feel a little more reworking of the paragraph regarding Elsa from the hired hands point of view may be good. 'Whenever Charlie would go to run an errand' perhaps trim to 'When Charlie was away', as it feels a little wordy. 'Got up to fill his pipe and get ready', perhaps just 'he filled his pipe in readiness for...' I'm not sure if it is a style thing but I am a trimmer when I edit, so don't take it personally.
Would she mention the precious gold or is she still keeping up some pretence of being a loving wife, despite his suspicions of the opposite? Does Charlie think about how she used to be as they are speaking? How she was before he saw through her? Does he realise the hired help think she is a gold digger? In a couple of paragraphs you've effectively set the scene and placed the characters.
Is there another way of mentioning the money he has? This feels a bit forced saying there is a locked trunk in the bedroom etc. Perhaps break up the description so he starts with fingering the key in his shirt pocket. She protests but her eyes follow his hand, and he knows all she wants is the gold in his strongbox. And later on when she gets the key then more of the chest is revealed. No need to say it all at once.After all, she knows it, he knows it, the audience don't need to know it all right away. Her reply about the key being close to his heart is very nice, especially with her voice cold.
"Her husband shook his head, but he held his tongue and walked out the door". Maybe just "he left the house without another word. He had nothing more to say." Something like that? Surely they've had this conversation before and he is tiring of it. Show how he feels. He's aware her love was probably a lie – he must feel dismayed or embarrassed he was fooled? Should I feel sorry for him?
Nice description of the land and mention of it like a fortress. A place for him to hide away and protect himself from her and his feelings? When he hears the noise at first does he think it's someone in trouble? What does it sound like? High pitched, echoing, in pain, calling, compelling?
I'm not sure of 'he asked himself'. Maybe just 'he thought. 'Began walking.... seemed to be coming...' perhaps just 'he walked' and 'it came' from. Stronger verbs.
Maybe rearranging the sentence so that the realisation comes last would be more powerful. "The pipe he had been puffing fell from his lips, his already pale skin turning bone white as Charlie suddenly realised what the sound was. A Banshee!" The pain he feels is good and well described and his attempts to muffle the sound, as well as his nervous acceptance of his fate. When he turns and sees nothing, does he think he's been spared or that he was mistaken? Then he sees the beautiful being and stares –does he go towards her? Does he think it is something else? Does she remind him of his wife?
I like her description and her transformation. Would he 'start to walk backwards' or would he scramble and stumble, run or sprint or dash or flee? How does his old body cope? Heart pounding, hard to breathe? Does he fall and graze himself? Does he fear his run will kill him if she doesn't? When he realises she is gone and he is safe at the cottage, does he feel relieved like he cheated death, even if only temporarily? Worried she may return? Concerned he imagined it? It is nice that he wants his wife's comfort and protection, even though he previously believed she did not care.
Perhaps her voice should not be described as evil – it shows her intention more than if she were compassionate but cool, which leaves room for the reader to doubt. Maybe he misread her and she isn't all bad. Until she kills him, of course. Nice that as he is on the floor dying she barely gives him a second thought as she goes straight for the key to the gold.
As she heads to the chest does she think about how long she put up with him? Did she ever care? Did he stop buying her things lately? Is she planning to sell the farm and go off to the city? Find a man? How greedy is she?
Is it still light outside? Is it moonlight coming into the bedroom? Perhaps use 'But' sparingly for the start of a sentence. Often it is unnecessary. She sees the Banshee staring in from outside – a scary image this. Not sure 'appearing' is needed. It's a Banshee so they can probably stare with blind white eyes. It's a very nice description. The final paragraph with the Banshee and Elsa is lovely, ending with her breath drawn in sharply. It doesn't tell all but it implies.
With the wrap-up I feel it is better if it is quick and gets to the point. I think perhaps trimming this to make it speedy would work in order to get to finding Elsa, which is the punch line. "When the farmhands entered the house next morning for breakfast they found..." The last paragraph is very nice and evocative, leaving the reader doubting if there was ever a Banshee or just a greedy woman...
By the story end I felt sorry for Charlie, I disliked the conniving Elsa, and I felt the Banshee was after her all along. Hopefully this was what was wanted. I would like to see some trimming down and refining of some of the sentences – look for some simple structures and say what you really mean without hedging your bets with 'seeming to be'. Your writing shows you have the language and strength of ability, but this story feels like a draft that just needs a little editing to give it more. You've already given it a lot, but you can always put in more oomph. What do the characters feel, how, why... something as simple as the right word at the end of an attribution can tell so much. 'He said', as opposed to 'He snarled, He sobbed, He shrieked'. I liked this a lot.
Want to see more.
Cheers,
Dalziel.
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