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Hello! I'm here to give you a review for "The revenge"
I thought this was an okay story. The beginning of the story, first of all, was confusing and too long. THere were many sentence fragments that had no meanign such as "Half a year prior he had the misfortune of discovering his wife was cheating on him." It's only half a sentence and the paragraph continues to be talking about when he knew about the affair.
I also was left with too many questions at the end of the story, it needs to have more action and explanation. Is he crazy? Is he simply a drunk? What was the reason behind the affair? Your story seems unfinished.
Hey Cheyenne! I think that your little article was quaint and nice. Being your mentor and friend, I know a lot more happened than what you've written here and I know you can add a lot more *looks of friendly disappointment*
One error that I saw: so excited when I opened up my email box(;) I had Semi colon
These comments are my own opinion. Please use what you need and throw away or store other comments for a later purpose.
"Do Not Enter" was a much different poem than "A Time For Healing" . I like them both, but for different reasons. In this poem it describes your mind as a dungeon that will not be lit, or lifted by good spirit, or cannot be studied. It's brilliant! I especially like how it explains that your mind is closed and that you keep your feelings and thoughts inside. It is an excellent metaphor.
My favorite part is "seek not to study how"; I can't be sure to say why, but it might have to do with the greatest protection of all kind: your own mind.
I didn't like the line "And things under rugs swept."; it seems to throw off the rhythm of the poem. Try "And things under rugs }are swept." I think it sounds better, but you don't have to change it if you don't wnat to (obviously).
Thanks, -Darikana
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These comments are my own opinion. Please use what you need and throw away or store other comments for a later purpose.
Thank you for sharing. Although it was a poem written after a prompt, it still had some meaning to it, which made the poem likeable. It was very well-rounded and not extremely specific making this poem relatable to almost anyone that reads it.
Cheers, -Darikana
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Your poem is short and sweet. It is light and meaningful and I think it wasn't bad at all. What you have is great, but I wish I could hear more from your mind on the topic. You create light poems that are god, but I feel like they aren't long enough for emotional impact. Thank you for reading,
These comments are my own opinion. Please use what you need and throw away or store other comments for a later purpose.
These comments are my own opinion. Please use what you need and throw away or store other comments for a later purpose.
MY THOUGHTS: You are telling a story of a past time. I believe that it's not as important when telling a memory to have good character building or setting. I think that your characters talk the way 7 year olds would talk and that is enough. I do think that you cold add a little more setting in it though.
ERRORS: I did not spot any.
FAVORITE PART: Jordan huffed in response, "Well at least I can kick demon's butt without powers." So cute.
SUGGESTIONS: In the sentence above I think that Jordan is trying to stress that he can kick demon's butt without powers; keyword is "without" -I would suggest making that in italics.
These comments are my own opinion. Please use what you need and throw away or store other comments for a later purpose.
MY THOUGHTS: The poem starts off slow and picks up pace as it nears the end. It's not as moving as the poem "Always The Girl" , but it still gets the message across and still explains your pain well.
ERRORS: I think that since it is a thought, the last 3 lines should be italicized. Or, at least, the second and third-to-last lines should be so that the last "ever" can be bold and strong at the end.
FAVORITE PART: The friends make me think
and the thought makes me go
The go makes me think......
I love the reciprocation there.
SUGGESTIONS: I, personally, wouldn't use the word "disgorge" in line 17. Every other line of this section (?) ends in a one sylable. Try "spew" or some other word meaning the same thing.
These comments are my own opinion. Please use what you need and throw away or store other comments for a later purpose.
MY THOUGHTS: I liked this poem. It showed many colors and it had the sense of sadness in the backgrounds. I especially like the way you formatted it with all the colors and then the grey at the end.
ERRORS: none
FAVORITE PART: The last stanza because it shows the true meaning of the poem.
SUGGESTIONS: I don't have any writing suggestions, but since this poem is big on presentation, maybe you should make the colored words also bold-faced. Just a suggestion.
Oh, geez. This is the kind of review I look for, but I might be too scared to actually submit an item . Alas, I must just so I can say I have received one and (hopefully) take some good writing advice from it.
The actual forum is something I'm very happy that you have created because some authors are looking for these kind of reviews and not the okay reviews that are given usually aroudn the site. Your long body for the forum was very interesting and I think that you are completely right.
Thank you,
-Darikana
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Because of the mood of the item description, I'm assuming that I can say this without offense:
HAHA! You are right, this is a very classic review.... it barely even explains the rating very well. If you have it in your portfolio, can I read the poem this review is for? I would love to put this to the actual thing to see what this person saw.
If not, that would be okay. I can live my life knowing that some one rated your poem 1.0 with many errors within the review itself. Good stuff, and now on to the real stuff inside your port. Thank you,
Ummm.... I'm not really sure about this poem. It was light and refreshing, but I didn't understand some of the technical writing aspects of it and it kind of distracted me from the actual poem. Like why did you hyphenate "falter" in the third stanza? And the phrase "maple-d helos" doesn't make any sense to me at all. I didn't really like this one, but it was okay.....
Cheers,
-Darikana
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This is definitely my favorite poem so far. It is real, reminiscent and makes me wonder: when I am old and grown, will I have such a memory? Maybe I already do and I am too young to realize it. It made me feel free, warm, and happy. The flow was excellent and a 4.5 is definitely deserved. Swing of my Youth contains the elements of childhood and aging; the poem contains a certain purity that makes me want to share it. I am even going to link this in my portfolio folder.
I particularly like the lines "Or the way to the tower far above, or the best way to watch the sunset fading." The only thing I didn't liked was how you changed the rhyming pattern in the second-to-last stanza.
Cheers,
-Darikana
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Awwww...... this seems very sweet. As I read more and more of your poem, the more I like your portfolio. They aren't the best poems I have ever read, but they are, along with this one, extremely enjoyable. I cannot help but feel like I should do soemthing like this for my Valentine, but that was like a month and a half ago. LOL. Thank you fyn, once again,
WHOA!! That was probably the funnest poem I have ever read outloud (besides Dr. Seuss, but that's for different reasons). The poem doesn't seem to have any meaning, but it was written for a cotnest and you followed the prompt well, obviously. This brought a smile to my face (but I may need to stretch my tongue ). Thank you for the lovely read.
Asleep... it was very calming. It was almost brain washing in a snese that I felt like nothing existed but this one slow (but good) read of a poem. A head rush of words that I still do not completely understand myself. I like that about writing and especially poetry. It's supposed to be an escape and this poem did the trick. To be honest, it made me forget about the anger I just experienced with my little siblings (I am babysitting them). *Breathe*
The form was good as well with every stanze beginning with the letters of ASLEEP. Very nice conscientious. Cheers,
Haha... this "poem" is very strange. It holds a story but still caresses the entity of a poem, and I like it. The story, overall, was mildly entertaining. The story isn't completely exlained, but the mystery of it all makes it more likeable at the very end of it. The confusion it brings along with it is what makes this poem above average.
However, I cannot find anything I would change to make it better. I cannot explain it, but January 26th is perfect at a 3.5
Thank you again for the read,
-Darikana
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Heartfelt Gratitude was a better-than-good poem. The words and the message and the story were all "fyn"omenal, but here is why I rated it a 4.0:
It is not an average poem, so I felt that having it above a 3.0 was necessary. However, when I read poetry I like to have an easy flow (I read them outloud) and yours did not. There wasn't much rhythm in it, which made it a little difficult to read until the last part where it was centered. The poem was great, but I didn't like the form of it at all. But since it had a great story within it, a 4 star rating was necessary. Thank you for reading my comments,
Rebirth was a quite different poem than Knotted Wire, but equally substantial in my eyes. Poetry is supposed to paint a picture in your head, or at least, that's what everyone says. It seems like a lot poetry is a bunch of freeze frames if you ask me. This poem is going back to that one picture, and I liked that about it. It added one detail after another -almost like you were describing a real picture and that picture was aesthetic. Good work!
While reading the poem Knotted Wire, it made me think in a way I haven't thought in a while when reading poetry. At first, you seemed trapped metaphorically and then it transitioned into an explosion of words and description in the middle. It made me feel uncomfortable, unknowing, and very alone, which is what I think you would be aiming for with words and description such as this. I think the poem could mean a lot of different things which is generally why I like it.
One thing I didn't like about it was the presentation of the poem. It seemed like it was a bunch of words broken up into lines, but the quality of the poem makes up for that.
Thank you,
-Darikana
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Dear Alabama
When I first look at the "details" of this piece you have here, I thought, "What an interesting thing to do... I must read it if it is a ghost and comical story; there's no doubt about it!" SO I read it and it could be a good children's story! Good work!
Favorite part
The boy's mistake in the verse, of course!
Other comments
The dialect of the boy is very believable.
The main character in this story is "the boy" or "he" until the end of the story when his Sunday School Teacher calls him by his name. I suggest that he remains nameless throughout or we find out his name earlier in the story.
Mechanics
"A frowning and bifocaled Mrs. Steinbauer said..." bifocaled is not a word. I suggest rewording the sentence, changing adjectives, or removing "bifocaled" all together.
Cheers!
-Darikana
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Hello Again!
After reading Winter Writing I must say, I wanted a cup of hot cocoa! Your story tells both aspects of a writer's life: the personal and the writing. The descriptions of winter to the complaining of following your wife aroudn... let's not forget her being your writing critic! Between these things you tell a wonderful biographical snippet of your life. Thank you for sharing.
Favorite Part
The whole paragraph when your wife critiques your writing. Your thoughts afterword are hilarious and very... dare I say the word again? real.
Other Comments
The opener is very inviting and turns the corners of my mouth ever so slightly to a smile. Winter really is depressing, isn't it?
Comparing your wife to a Labrador is very creative
The very last sentence is interesting. To me, it seems like you are not only stating that you are a miserable in the spring as well, but you are stating that there is no perfect time of year. Geez.... don't you only wish there was?
Mechanics
"...my wife has the energy of a Labrador Retriever;" Retriever is not a name and does not need to be capitalized.
Thank you,
-Darikana
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Dear Alabama,
After reading The Steering Wheel I felt very calm and mellow. Sharing your experience like this is a great thing to do -it is real, and that's where writing originated. I am glad to see that some people can share their experiences and call it a masterpiece like this. No dragons, no mad scinetists, no dark intriguing plot. For this, I applaud you.
Favorite part
Your father's reaction to the event.
Other comments
Wonderful use of adjectives. You even taught me a new word! Ersatz... I will definitely have to use that some day.
I loved how you described how much you liked the steering wheel.
"I think the crisscrossing stuff was used for blowing the horn." This sentence is a little awkward, I think. It seems to drift away from describing the actual item and doesn't lead the next paragraph on. I'm not sure it is necessary.
Mechanics
"So I tried to pull it off. But either my head had swollen or the wheel had shrunk and I couldn't extricate myself. " I suggest that this become one sentence because it would sound more natural (yes, I read it outloud ) if there was a comma where the period is before "but." Otherwise, it sounds a little choppy.
The poem was great... I could really relate to it. It also reminded me of the song "Good Enough" by Evanescence. If you haven't heard of it, Google it, the song has great lyrics.
I didn't see any grammar or spelling errors, good job! Some rhymes are good, but it doesn't exactly follow a pattern. Not all poems do/have to, but maybe it could. The peom is already a good one and could definitely be expanded if you wish.
Please ntoe that these are my own comments and do not need to be taken seriosuly unless you want to
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I like your little intro you have here. Here is a Wicca group you might like:
I think that Jordan is trying to stress that he can kick demon's butt without powers; keyword is "without" -I would suggest making that in italics.
The last stanza because it shows the true meaning of the poem.
. Alas, I must just so I can say I have received one and (hopefully) take some good writing advice from it.
HAHA! You are right, this is a very classic review.... it barely even explains the rating very well. If you have it in your portfolio, can I read the poem this review is for? I would love to put this to the actual thing to see what this person saw.
). Thank you for the lovely read. 
The boy's mistake in the verse, of course!
The opener is very inviting and turns the corners of my mouth ever so slightly to a smile. Winter really is depressing, isn't it? 
Geez.... don't you only wish there was?
Wonderful use of adjectives. You even taught me a new word! Ersatz... I will definitely have to use that some day.