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45 Public Reviews Given
45 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Love the ironic twist at the end.
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Well that was unexpected. Interesting setup and payoff. Do you ever learn what the mayonnaise is for? Since you spend a couple of years with the guy... is there a clue for the reader in there somewhere?
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Review of The Caper WC:201  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very cute setup and payoff at the end... though it makes one wonder why his friends wouldn't have piped up or left long before the end of the piece... perhaps they'd been anxious and trying to interject or change the subject annoyingly throughout, looking at their watches as though they had somewhere else to be... but I'd forged one regardless... or something like that?
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very cute. well done.
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Review of Don’t Look Up  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Cute story. The Englishman and dialect threw me a bit in Paris, but it's possible. And, if I'm being picky I think prisoners were housed in a communal jail and taken to the place de la Concorde by cart before being executed (most were aristocrats, or merchants or folks who'd pissed off the mob but there could certainly have been thieves in there, there were enough people). And, I'm not sure that a failure of the mechanism would have meant release, but it certainly can for your story.

I wonder what the significance of the not looking up is... why is that important. Why would the devil have that caveat? Is up meant to signify heaven and somehow dispels the devil's power over the blade? Otherwise why does the devil care, it would seem that he'd be more interested in getting a soul than what the prisoner was doing. Can Charlie see a bright blue sky when he looks up? Something that hints at an answer? My two cents...
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Review of Clair De Lune  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Nice scene with lots of great detail.
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Review of McCarthy Forever!  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Very interesting piece, great sense of place and time. It leaves the reader a bit unmoored with lots of question at the end of the piece. Like who is this woman, apparently she's a ghost of some sort and waiting for her last descendant to die so she can celebrate. But, she can feel the sea air, she wants beer, but there's a note that she 'should' not drink not 'could' not drink. So, I was left a bit puzzled at the end, I enjoyed being immersed by the place and the richness of the detail but the main character felt more like a mysterious narrator than a character.

Very well done though,
Dave.
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Review of Lie  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
I'm not religious at all, though I grew up such. But, the piece leaves an impression and leaves me wondering what the origin of question might be.
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Interesting distinction between the two lands, not good and evil like you'd expect but both light and joy in one world and peace and tranquility in the other.

It's an interesting fable, though I think the quest misses the opportunity to be more impactful. She sets off on this quest because she finds a map and has always been curious and adventurous. Which makes it seems like she's bored and doing this on a lark as opposed to being driven by her loss which would add some emotional depth to the quest, I think.

As she travels through the forest we could get a glimpse of her loss, the circumstances and that impact on her life, etc. So, that when she arrives in nevermore and puts that burden down we have a sense of what this means for her.

Forevermore is more nebulous in the story, do we need it? We're told that she sees acts of kindness that are not described but fill her with wonder and joy. Does the wonder and joy stay with her forever, or does it fade when she leaves the land (I guess the same question for nevermore), since it would be odd to be forever filled with wonder and joy and some random acts from and to others?

I think there are some cute bits in there though,
Thanks for sharing,
Dave.
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Review of Imperfections  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
What a nice sentiment and message. Something we all need to hear and take to heart.

Thanks for sharing it,
Dave.
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Cute. Nice picture too, makes you wonder at the life that vehicle led and how it came to find itself abandoned there in the field alone and forgotten until you found it.
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting piece. Was it simply cathartic or were you aiming for something? The language is very evocative. But, it is a bit jarring at the end. Nearly the entire piece describes inner turmoil of a painful breakup but then in the last sentence it shows anger and the transition seems sudden and unclear, as though it were meant for the reader. I get the anger, of course, but it's lessened for me the way it sits there naked like that.

Perhaps it's just me, very nice work.
Dave.
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very cute, and something I'm sure we can all relate to. : )
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Review of Day 30  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
A few typos "bel" at the end of 2nd paragraph, "roves" at the start of 4th paragraph,

At 10:30 there's a pov shift that's a bit disorienting. The first part is someone else, perhaps Rob's mother? We don't know that's she's female exactly until near the pov shift.

And then further down at 9pm we get another pov shift. It's all a little disorienting.

We're pretty far removed from the action. We're just getting a chronicle of events that have happened and are at arms length from events that are happening and are reasonably mundane, walking the dog, finding the horse, etc. The distance makes it hard to get into the story, which doesn't have much movement. Also, we're removed from the characters.

You seem to have a good sense of the setting and the characters, I think restructuring the piece to have more of the action that has occurred to either get there or what's coming up still to happen more quickly, so there is some tension and development.

It's an interesting bit, hopefully some of my comments are useful.
Dave.
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Review of A.I.  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Nice piece, a few thoughts:

The start reads a bit unnatural, in that he is nervous to type in the link and worried about privacy and such. We get the whole marketing spiel of the email, etc. But that doesn't add much to the story, since it seems like a pretty generic ad. Something any AI bot site might say.

You might want to start with the Ryan being more blase about the whole thing, rather than nervous. Maybe he's tried a bunch of these bos already and been disappointed and was just going through the motions of being disappointed yet again with another free offer that turned out to be a lackluster bot that forgot something you'd said 5 messages ago and simply echoed whatever statements you made or followed whatever silly direction you gave it...

But, given the reveal at the end perhaps after a few unimpressive introductory messages the bot says something about him that surprises him, has an insight that he didn't direct. This gets his attention and he tries a few more messages and is again surprised. It senses things about him that he hasn't specifically revealed. It seems truly alive in a way all the other bots he's tried aren't. In a short time he comes to think of the bot as a friend, etc... and truly rely on it's judgement and advice...

Then you can transition to the bit you have in mind, that the bot is controlled by information his wife provided and perhaps an overall goal she had in mind... as it's overall goal.

And, he sounds like a bit of a dud, laying around eating junk food and being a slob while his wife is at work. It's not clear why she would want to stay with this guy... can we get a glimpse of how he was when they met, something to tell us what the wife's motivation to make this work is?

Also, it seems unlikely that she could respond in real-time to his messages believably, since she has a job and has to get from place to place and sleep, etc. So, how could she be available at an instant whenever he wanted to chat... but she could feed a specific bot with tons of background information and very clear instructions and goals, etc. That seems more believable.

Anyway some random thoughts, hope some of them help...

Dave.
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Review of A Modest Proposal  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Stellar story, very well done with two great endings to boot!
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Great use of language and intriguing story line. I followed it pretty well until I got to "You presume to question my ordained path?" at which point I lost track of the speakers. We don't have many details on them as the story unfolds but it seems like their is a sorcerer of some kind and then some spirit that is thrall in some way. And, the dialog seems to be an alternating back-and-forth but after the line I mention it becomes confusing (to me anyway) who's speaking the line, since the next line for the sorcerer seems to claim that they are eternal? And, then immediately after that the spirit seems to indicate that the sorcerer was created for a purpose, which seems to indicate that I've lost the thread somewhere in there. I re-read it several times but couldn't untangle it. A dialog tag or two might help sort it out, especially since we have no foreknowledge of the characters.

My two cents.
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Review of The Tire  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very cute little anecdote, well done. It conveys the story well and ends with a great visual and payoff.
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Review of The Pitch  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Loved this bit. It's cute and timely and the concept has already been done and proved in several ventures so the reader is likely at least tangentially aware of that, which makes it work better too.

I might change "If it leaves me with a dirty diaper, you’re the one who’s gonna suffer, understand?”" to read something like... "you're the one that's going to wear it" instead, it ties into the metaphor better and makes for a stronger visual (I think).

Well done,
Dave.
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Review of The Shadow Weaver  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Great use of language, wonderful imagery and descriptions.

However, I found the story confusing. Here's a sorceress(?) who is described as monster, reveling in the pain of others for eons (that's a long time) and countless souls (that's a lot of souls). Then a young girl, lost and in tears happens by and bang that changes her immediately. She gives up her life of darkness and simply journeys to the light and gets redeemed with minimal struggle. It just seems a little implausible. What is it about the girl? Morgana must have encountered many such as her before in the countless souls she'd taken... and how could the weight of such a past be discarded so easily. I think the story is in the why of the transformation and the journey of it. The writer obviously has a great grasp of language and I think could describe the why and the how of it admirably.

Again, well done.
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (2.0)
If this is a writing piece or a character study then it's interesting and gives the character an interesting dimension and motivation. Makes me want to know more.

If this is you're own thoughts then I'd suggest you speak to someone about it. I think it would be worthwhile to work through it with someone who could help.
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Review of The Cake Lesson  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Very cute. I'm left wondering how old Jeremy is. 4, 8, 12, 28? Also, since there's a degree of calculation there and craftiness it makes the mystery more interesting. Was it spite, greed, mischief, near rule-breaking, a sweet tooth. Does this manifest in non-cake related activities?

The ending line is cute too. Though it would be nice to open with something that shows this in the grandmother. Perhaps she's bought cake with something in it or on it that she knows one of the snooty members of the club is allergic too. She'll of course, apologize profusely when it is pointed out, but inside she'll be delighted. That would tie up the piece nicely, in my opinion.
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Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Cute reveal at the end, makes it worth the read. If you're interested in polishing it up I'd suggest a few things.
- Instead of "It's cozy. It's private. It's safe." say something more unexpected or more telling.
- It seems a stretch to feel like an impostor being an Elvis impersonator, I can't imagine anyone doing it that would imagine folks would expect the real Elvis. Though I can certainly imagine folks not wanting to continue doing it... maybe the impersonator is an aspiring singer or songwriter that got roped into doing this to pay the bills once and now finds themselves stuck in that role... no body wanting to hear him, only this act he plays. Maybe his life is like that too, no one seeing the real person inside, he finds himself playing a part in his job, with his family, with his buddy here that pimps him out to pay the bills... I think this would be interesting to explore. The face entertainers wear for everyone around them that becomes the only thing others see.

Of course, if this was simply meant as a humorous piece with a cute ending, then mission accomplished.
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Review of Library Thoughts  Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
What a nice thumbnail of the past and the arcs of your lives from there. Enjoyed reading it, thanks for sharing.
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for entry "Review Box" Open in new Window.
Review by Dave Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
This is the first review I do on this site so I have no idea what you're looking for or what might be helpful. So feel free to ignore anything that is unhelpful and take whatever bits are of use. First, I'll give you my impression of this part of the novel as I read it.

A little disorienting at first, we're not entirely sure where we are or what's going on, which is okay for a bit but if it goes on too long you can lose the reader. Some tense issues in that section as well, which makes it a bit more confusing.

"No, untouched, like shadows they slip through my hand. And penetrate my heart!" Should that be slipped and penetrated?

I really liked the following: "As disappointment slowly spoiled to disgust, my face contorted in rage. I thought of the word, Begone! but could only mutter, "Must it always be me?"

This bit below is a mouthful... and it perhaps superfluous unless these are important aspects of the novel, in which case it would be good to bring each in separately and give us a little more of each as you do (love the bit about the "little girl-you know").

He seemed pleased with himself as I looked out at the forest under the twin moons–pale Luna, and copper Nasa. The woods, ruled by witch wolves and pig-faced vikings, offered no post for a bladesman whose dread-fever-stunted muscles struggled to whip her arming sword into striking space. "I'm a little girl–you know that. Supposed to be."

... officer nightbird managed to look down his beal at me... (beak)

You start to lose me at the menagerie of squirrels that come next... there are individuals and groups of them in addition to the bird and Aunt Myrrha. As a reader I start to wonder if I have to keep track of all these characters and which ones are important and to what extent. I still don't have a clear picture of who the main character is or why I should keep reading at this point.

And, now there's a family and a mystery there that's only hinted at. Somehow they are prisoners somewhere else at the mercy of enemies while the protagonist is sleeping and then chatting with birds and squirrels.

Now there's Mack who's a swordsman like her Aunt Myrrha? But, they are there but not there, since we don't see them. And, the main character is trying to leave the mysterious building and then there's an owl and then an old man wolf and then a bridge and a lamb... argh.

That's likely more than I would have read in real life. Some overall thoughts:
- The use of language is really nice, there's some nice imagery, cute turns of phrase and insights.
- The main character is too nebulous at the beginning for me. In order to hook me into the story I'd like to know more about who the main character is and what their situation is, what is the goal that drives the narrative here.
- I think it's okay to have a host of characters but I'd prefer it if you stuck with one of them at first until the story gets rolling and then bring in the others, or mention that there are bunch of other critters around in passing so the reader doesn't have to wonder if they need to remember them and focus on one or two of the critters, whichever are more important.
- Same with the other humans. If the driver is saving her family, then we need to understand the danger more, than a passing comment which ends up making her sound selfish and callous (betraying her family by heading off on an adventure).
- The whole sequence feels a bit like a fever-dream to me, a sequence with swirling imagery and no clear point of focus or direction as though we're stumbling around in a interesting world with perhaps interesting characters but a little too aimlessly. Maybe a strong interaction with the bird? Does it speak can we get some dialog?
- Certainly the writer has a gift for language and an interesting world, and perhaps it evens out and starts to make more sense beyond where I stopped reading, but I would worry that other readers might stop as well.

My two cents, I hope some of it helps.
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