What a tremendously gifted person you are, not just to be surrounded by such beautiful people, but to have the grace, talent and strength to recognize it through the pain of loss and uncertainty. It's time we all learned that nothing is more powerful than love. Thank you for sharing your story.
Welcome to writing.com.
In a few short lines,you've done a wonderful job capturing the pain and torture this girl lives in.
It doesn't sound likea happy place...
Please keep writing!
Kirsten
Here, there's a small typo:
A little girl curled in the corner (w)athcing the shawdows creeping
and here:
Closing here (her) eyes she prays for help.
Hi Jacquie --
Welcome to writing.com! We hope you enjoy your time here.
You've created an interesting perspective on magic and reality -- one I didn't expect when I started to read, and that's a good thing, as it's always good to keep a reader thinking.
I've made a few editorial comments below.
Happy writing!
Kirsten
A comma here would help with pacing and clarity:
Tanya shrugged it off(,) remembering her piano recital.
Welcome to writing.com, and thanks for the laugh :)
This reads well, the dialgoue flows smoothly and the setting and detail are solid. I love the characters you created, and the menu too. I'm only surprised that it didn't include sea turtle soup... As a sea turtle biologist, I'm used to hearing that quip, and the complaint about beach lighting, which is much misunderstood.
You've done a wonderful job with this piece -- it is at once full of feeling and well written.
I've noted a few typos below.
Please keep writing!
Kirsten
the first victim was a schoolgrils (schoolgirl)
then a boy on a bike, an (a?) man in his den
and theories and ponification (pontification)
the knives multiplies without mercy (multiplied)
rebulding the culture they miss (rebuilding)
Welcome to writing.com. This is a well-written escape from reality. Sometimes we all need that!
Will this stpry continue? I'm curious about the role this compass plays in these faerie lives...
Just one question -- do you mean this to be wonder or wander?
I would be an Elegbara, a chosen of Eshu, free to wonder the earth having grand adventures and telling great tales.
This is a powerful and well-paced piece. The description of the rainy night, (not) tomato soup and the tension while running home are all well written.
So many people are forgetting this piece of history lately -- it's good to see young people retell the acts in such vivid detail.
Be careful with run-ons and pacing within your sentences. The overall pace is good, but the length of lack of punctuation to slow the reader down in some sections makes the piece less effective, and this is a story that needs to be heard again and again.
Please keep writing!
Kirsten
a few specific edits:
I'd suggest chnaging this slightly:
a classroom full of young chattering pre-school children and me out (in) the front reading them stories and
try breaking this into two sentences:
I imagined what would happen if people found out what I was thinking,(.) (T)there was nothing more absurd than the idea of a Jewish teacher(;)what better way to poison the minds of precious young Germans.
this is a little awkward:
Dimly through the darkness I could see the outlines of broken jars and toppled tables.
Try something like this:
Through the darkness, I could see the dim outlines of broken jars and toppled tables.
this would read more easily with some commas:
The streetlights went by in a blur and the wind(,) now void of water(,) tried its hardest to deter me from my destination
As I spend so much time on the sea, I really enjoyed your piece. You've captured the essence of many sea captains here. I've known enough old salts to realize that the sea may be the best resting place for many of them, though it doesn't make the loss easier for those left behind.
Thank you for sharing your story.
Please keep writing!
Kirsten
A few comments:
It’s like her and the Sea are fighting to see who can kill me first.
This is a little awkward -- I'd try something like this:
It's as if the fog and the sea are fighting to see who can kill me first.
I'd change this slightly too:
And most men wouldn’t have to think twice about selling his (their) old ship
This is a great story that should find a strong audience. I only commented on the first few paragraphs as this was getting long, and I wasn't sure if this was helpful for you. If it is, let me know and I'll comment on the rest. If you are serious about publication, you may want to hire a professional.
Just a few pointers -- if you are planning to submit for agency or publication, be certain to double space, number each page and have a header with identifing info (ie name, title). You'll also need a title page, with word count and contact information. Define your target audience and similar works for query letters.
Best of luck!
Happy writing!
Kirsten
a few editorial comments:
Here, 'peoples' should be possessive:
The ancients also say that he will be blessed with the mark of the third eye and become our peoples most powerful and honored spirit master
Is this an intentional error, given that the speaker is a child? (my change is in parens.)
"Master, how (will) we know him when he comes?" one boy asked.
a semi-colon would work better than a comma here:
As the hour grew late the children were sent off to their beds, only a handful of men were left sitting around the fire.
This would read better is combined into one sentence, without passive voice:
The village chieftain was there. His name was Howling Moon and he was the son of Black Hawk.
a comma would help here:
Even so(,) Black Hawk did not usually attend to the women in the birthing hut.
again, a possessive here (for tribes):
It was the task of the old root woman, Spotted Fawn, to deliver the tribes children.
This might read more smoothly written a little differently -- use lose instead of loose as well:)(i.e. More than once, they feared that she might lose the child during the long winter starving season, but somehow, the child had managed to survive.
More than once the thought occurred that she might loose the child during the long winter's starving months but somehow the baby had managed to hold on.
Thank you for the points of constructive reviews. I haven't had many reviews written for my pieces yet, but I would hope my readers would refer to these guidelines. While it's nice to be read, it's even nicer to get pointers on how a piece worked and/or how it can be improved.
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