The story line tends to ramble a little bit. You may want to shorten some of the sentences and/or incorporate two thoughts into one line. For example, end the first sentence at "ducking my head." The cars slowed down as the passengers caught site of me. London life was dull and miserable....just like its people.
Everyday, when I got on the school bus, I could feel the stares drilling into my back.
This is just an example. Reads a little better.
Keep writing.
Try to couple sentences together that carry the same message. Avoid the over use of metaphors....it tends to muck up the meaning. I made some points at your selected areas. These are my suggestions only and you can use or reword as needed. Good Job! Keep writing.
I am not a baseball fan and while I am familiar with the traditions in Boston and New York regarding the "curse" I don't subscribe to that notion. And for those reasons I decided to read your material. This is a personal story....it resonates with you and you write it as an epitaph to your life. To get me more involved you might try writing it in third person. Write it from an outsiders point of view using all the trappings of the traditions and iconic stories of how the past has trapped the Red Sox....and they just can't seem to win. Then in the last paragraph you change over to first person and include yourself..something like that. Try it ...see if it works.
You need to send this to Fox News...although they probably wouldn't understand it. ( pun intended ). I like the verse and you are clearly in control of the English language. Do you write professionally? Me thinks you do...Good Job!
I have never written poetry and I admire those that can. I am more of a prose writer but I'll take a stab at this. I like the first three stanzas...for some reason the fourth does not seem to fit. Perhaps the words you use are a little to "prosaic" for the content. Also, the fourth stanza doesn't flow as well as the first three. You might try using another word for "jocundities" and "virescent" ...just a thought. Good Job!
I can tell you like to share your emotions. I would suggest you try to use fewer words like, sullen, ominous, ethereal and numbing cotton unless they are needed for effect. Use simpler words and avoid using metaphors whenever possible. Don't try to impress the reader with your vocabulary, you have something special to tell......tell it simply.
I like the concept and you do a good job of describing action. Your use of less know descriptive words sometimes takes away from the tone. For example the very first sentence could read: " It was during the interlude between ...". drop tranquility. I think it reads better. Also the use of the word cerulean to describe red...use red. First sentence in the second paragraph: "As the first notes of the amplified liturgical pipings..... ". I would suggest: "As the sounds of religious callings cut through the air...." Simple but effective.
Since the story is about the Bohdi tree I would have liked you to spend more time telling how seeing this tree affected you. What is the relationship between the tree and your run that morning....or relationship to your male partner or just yourself. Good job..
I read this a couple of times. I believe I understand the "point of dispair" you are trying to create. There is some text in this story that could probably be removed and still make the same point. I would drop the last line. End the story with "It always came." It gives the end more impact. Good job. Keep writing.
Good idea. Look at the mechanics of your text. For example, the last sentence of this story. Is it you saying "Don't worry..." or Mable saying it? I think you have the basis of a good plot. Try using fewer words to describe the action and I think you will find it will have more punch. One of the things that happens when we write like we think is the phrasing of the sentences sometimes gets rearranged. Example...Pete died when he slipped on the banana peel and fell on the knife that was in the strainer. If the knife was in the strainer how did he get punctured? Did you mean to say the knife fell out of the strainer or was sticking up out of the strainer? Suggestion:....".I put the knife, handle first, into the strainer on the counter." This short sentence gives more credibility to how Pete died. Just a thought.. Good job.
I like the concept. You may want to consider using fewer words to describe an action. As an example if you remove the first word in the second paragraph, "Even", the sentence would read......As I closed the doors, the rain started pouring down. Another place where one word can be removed is the 10th line down in the same paragraph. The word, "Immediately". I think it would sound better without it. Just some comments. Good job..keep writing.
I found this somewhat refreshing and actually fun to read. It is an interesting concept and I think you should continue to write the novel. My suggestion is to think about the end of the book. In fact write the outline of the end of the book now and then work backwards from there. Trust me, it works better that way. You write well and I believe you write like you think....which is good. Keep it real and use normal, everyday language and appropriate slang when it has its advantages. Good job.
I like the fact that you wrote this in first person. I think you can convey more "emotion" using that process. You use a lot of metaphors....you might want to think about that. Consider making your points using fewer detailed words....allow the reader to use his or her imagination. Also, I think using "one line" paragraphs should be done cautiously and only if you want to made a significant point. I like the concept.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/dmliteentity
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.10 seconds at 5:55pm on Nov 16, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
