This was beautiful. It was a little hard to follow at first because I kept wanting it to rhyme. Once I got over that and read it again it had a decent flow.
I really like the symmetry. The way you explained everything was great. I wasn't sure what kind of bird it was at first. In fact I originally thought it was a bat up until you said it dove after the mouse.
This is a great poem. You did a wonderful job explaining how it feels to have depression or anxiety. I like the flow and the way you express the details of how you feel.
I didn't notice any grammar or spelling mistakes. Great use of punctuation too.
This story had a great start. It was smooth and easy to read. You did a great job explaining each character and giving us an idea of who they were without going into too much detail.
The ending seemed to be rushed and skipped around a little.
I think a little more detail about how much Robert was messing up and how Jolie saved the presentation would be good.
Something like:
Robert started to speak and quickly stumbled over his words. He seemed unfamiliar with the presentation. The more he tried to cover that up, the worse it got. Soon the clients were squirming in their seats and so was our boss. However, Jolie stepped in and took over presenting the information. She explained the presentation thoroughly and assured the clients that there were a lot more ideas where those came from. Afterward, the clients and our boss had a short conference and all left the conference room very happy.
All-in-all it was a good story, and one that is all too true in a lot of real-life cases. Good job.
This is a decent poem, it did seem a little...obvious though.
There is one small part that I think changes the whole meaning of the last sentence of the third verse.
"Whenever you have troubles in me, you can confide." - To me, this means that whenever the person you're addressing has troubles with you, they can confide in someone.
However: "Whenver you have troubles, in me you can confide." - Says that whenever that person has troubles with anything, they can confide in you.
This is very nicely written. The drama and suspense was just enough to keep attention while the details of the environment drew a clear picture of what the character was going through.
I didn't see any grammar or spelling mistakes. There was a wonderful use of language too. Nice, strong words, but nothing that made the story sound like it was trying to be above the reader.
The ending was smooth and clear. While there is tremendous potential for this story to grow, there does not seem to be a "need" for it to complete the story.
There were a couple places where I would have used different puncuation. For example. "...cars revving-up their engines at me. Like monsters."
I would write "...cars revving-up their engines at me; like monsters."
All in all though it's a wonderful piece. The ending is a little abrupt, maybe you can slow it down a little and have the hallucination end a little more gradually, after all, most people in the state this person was in would go though a dizzy spell in a situation like that.
I like this a lot. I see a young person, possibly, holding onto a sweater that was knitted by thier grand-mother, or an aunt and it never did fit right.
They've taken it out of the box in the closet and are remembering times long gone that can never happen again because the person that made it is gone.
So, if that's what you're trying to have the reader see, then you did a wonderful job. If not then my imagination must be getting the best of me again.
Either way, I think it's a wonderful poem, full of great imagry and emotion.
Keep Writing.
Dragon
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
I like the way you describe what the character's going through. The way she figured out what was happening and was running through things in her mind. Very nicely done.
You said you wanted some help perfecting this, but I think it is already there. You did a wonderful job explaining what it's like to sit in the hospital with a loved one and not being able to do anything except sit there and hold their hand.
I have been there too many times and couldn't read this without crying as I remembered all the times I was in your place. What you were feeling and thinking was exactly what I was going though.
I didn't see anything wrong with this at all, your grammer, spelling, punctuation, all of it was perfect.
This is funny. (I hope that's what you were going for).
The only part I had a problem with was:
"But suddenly a bright flash of white blinds me through the window,
I say, 'Romeo, Romeo....wherefore art thou?'
Your face, impenetrable, confronts me darkly."
I'm not sure here if the white you're talking about is from the computer or the actual window. If you're refering to the lightning then you might want to say that.
Also the second line there seems completely...unrelated. Unless "Romeo" is the name of your computer.
I understand why you put those lines in there and they do make sense, they just through me for a loop when I first read it. They through off the rythm a little.
This is very moving. I don't really know what to say about the poem's content and message, except it reminded me of how I felt when my mom died.
As for the grammer, I can't see anything gramatically wrong, but I did notice that you capitalized the first letter of every line even if it's not the beginning of a sentence.
If you did this on purpose, then why? I don't see it adding to the poem. However if you didn't do it on purpose and you used Microsoft Word to type your poem you can do the following to correct that from happening.
On the Tools menu, click AutoCorrect Options.
On the Auto Correct tab, uncheck the "Capitalize the first letter of sentences" box.
If you're not using Microsoft Word then I'm afraid I can't help you correct the problem.
This is nicely written, it is a wonderful symbology of how we as humans need to feel wanted, so we do whatever we can to be noticed by others. Only to feel anxious and nervous the entire time as we hope not to be noticed in the wrong way.
I don't see any gramatical errors, and couldn't see anything I would write differently.
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 2:39am on Dec 31, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
My review has been submitted for consideration in "