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198 Public Reviews Given
199 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I point out what I see or what I don't. I like to give advice using examples in your writing. I like to talk about the writing, I will address something if I like it. If you send a request, let me know what aspect you want looked at, and I'll pay more attention to it.
I'm good at...
Recognizing changes in tenses. Punctuation. Description. Story.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy, crime, sci fi, comedy\satire.
Least Favorite Genres
Romance.
Favorite Item Types
Chapters, short stories.
I will not review...
Romance, I can't stand it, sorry. Sports articles and the like. I actually see those a lot on here,and I never want to review one. If it's a funny article I will. :)
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review of Chapter 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
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I came to your story because not only do I enjoy "waking up in the future" plots (Futurama being the best!) but I also see you've written a lot of chapters, and I find it easier to write lots of reviews when I can read chapters. So except more reviews from me. Probably!

You start of with strong descriptions, though perhaps TOO strong. Everything you said about the nails and the sand left me a little bit confused, wondering how literal you were being. Otherwise, the descriptions in this chapter are pretty good. I found the section on the city and vast line of brown beyond it particularly immersive, and definitely the visual highlight of the chapter.
Other bits did not work as well. Jon attempted to lift his eyelids once more and found the light in the room to be less intense than just a few seconds ago when he tried before. This felt rambling and repetitive. We already have "ago" and "before", and this sounds like you're repeating yourself. It's the same meaning, really, and it feels like you're over-explaining something that is easy to understand.
About over-explaining, you overuse the phrase "This was NOT his hand". A little repetition could be done well here, but it was too close together, and perhaps the repetition could use some more variety.
And just a quick correction, the doctor "glancing briefly" is redundant. A glance is brief, and thus "briefly" can be removed.

The highlight of the chapter for me was the characterization. The voice of the woman at the beginning was clear, as was the more stern cheer of the doctor. Jon Towne himself also feels well fleshed out, as he hopes for flying cars, thinks the clothes are too flamboyant, thinks he looks like "one of those retched boy bands" and hopes that his wife was implanted into a young hot body. *Laugh* Good stuff.
Speaking of the wife, the little bit of information we get is interesting. I'm curious as to why she wanted to freeze their brains, and why they had "nothing to lose". And since Jon is a construction worker, Val must have some high-up job to be able to afford this!

While you don't give us a whole lot of plot to go on, I think you set up one of the characters well enough, as well as giving the reader a mystery or two to leave us reading more. And read more I shall!
(Also, I LOVE the presentation of the table of contents and such. That is awesome!)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
2
2
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a good beginning to what seems like an interesting story. I like the lore so far, and the thought of the darkness and such. Riko seems to be an interesting character, and I'm interested in what he'll do next.

For grammatical problems, I saw only too many commas in one sentence: "Riko thought of his Mom every now and then, but Pops never spoke of her, never, not once did he bring her up in conversation." I feel like you can remove the second "never", as well as making "not once" the start of a new sentence.
The phrase "A boy misses his mom, especially at night." Is very strange in this chapter, as it seems to go against the narration presented, and changes the tense of the chapter. I think it'd be better to say "Riko missed his mom, especially at night." and the affect would be stronger, because it ties the line closer to Riko, rather than "a boy", if that makes sense.
Also, "when father's chair grew still" is odd phrasing. I assume he feel asleep in his chair, but his chair "growing still" makes me thing it was wobbling, or that he was moving a lot. "When Father grew still in his chair", works, I think.

All that being said, I enjoyed this chapter. I look forward to reading more. Good luck. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
3
3
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
for entry "Chapter 7 - Broadside" Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello, it seems I am reviewing the final chapter of The Book.
I'm still unsure whether you stopped production on this book to work on your other one, ore if you fully intended to write the book with this ending. Either way, the book took a very different turn of events, and ended in a way I did not expect. I figured Deal would save the Johnsons using The Book, but the Johnsons wound up dead.
I have to assume you stopped the book rather than finished it, in which case the Knight is a very effective villain. During all his scenes you establish him as a powerful man, who is bloodthirsty and insane. I really hoped Deal would defeat him here, that's how well you made him.
For negatives, I had a hard time envisioning everything. I don't understand the metal ring and how it lifted the adults but not the boy (clever Knight, trying to trick the boy into hanging himself...) and I don't understand the distance between the barn and the tree. You continue on with Knight's scene even when Deal isn't around, but that isn't clear, so I assumed the barn and the tree were right next to each other.
There were a couple punctuation problems, but overall this chapter was quite clean.
Description was well done in places, particularly the Knight dragging the Johnsons through the ditches.
I think I have nothing left to say of this chapter. Good luck with your future projects, I'll be reviewing your other book soon. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
4
4
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!
So, this was a well done chapter. It was less eventful and more subtle, but it's actually one of my favorites. The description and imagery is well done, and Worthington continues to be a terrible person. His unhinged personality is shown to great effect here, and the dark tone of the first chapter has returned.
By far my favorite part of the chapter is when Pa Johnson says that God's magik is to be used by everyone. My jaw dropped at that line because it was a clever way of suggesting Johnson may in fact be a threader.
I'm still unsure if Deal has the book with him, and I feel like it needs to be addressed.
I liked the town's reaction to seeing the cross banner, as well.

As for problems, there are some punctuation problems, some missing letters, but otherwise this was quite clean. My only gripe with the story itself is I don't know who said "Yuuup" at the end. It seems out of tone with the rest of the story, as well, as I can't imagine any present characters saying it like that.

I look forward to what comes next, and what I believe to be the ending. :)


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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
5
5
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, Denine Author Icon, per your request I am here to re-review the death scene. :)

What Can Be Fixed Within The Text: The text is quite clean, for the most part. There are moments when you miss a capital letter, but that's only when a character speaks or thinks, that I've noticed. Also, a few times we hear Kyle's direct thoughts, which you write in italics. The italics is fine, but you also use quotation marks, which is unnecessary.
Another unnecessary aspect, is when you censor Derek's curse. That breaks immersion, as we're reminded it's only a story. If you're gonna make a character curse, I think you should either commit to it, or use a softer word, because you didn't censor Kyle's curse.


The Good Within The Story: The scene is made much more extreme and long. This helps us root for Kyle a bit more, while also knowing he's doomed. I didn't feel any tension when he was running, but once he reaches the lake, the atmosphere and immersion increases. I could feel the cold and the desperation and violence.


Suggestions For Improving The Story: I don't quite understand why Derek would carve his initial into Kyle's neck "so he'll remember", only to kill him anyway.
While I understand you changed the tenses (and you did it quite well, too. *BigSmile*) you need to cut back on description. Specifically, "filtering". Many times you describe how Kyle perceives an action, when it would be better to simply show the action. For instance, the line "I hear my nose make a wet crunch." could be changed to "My nose crunched." (or "crunches", I suppose would be the correct way) and we have a more immediate understanding of the action. It's more visceral, it's shorter to read, and even the sense is more accurate. I think he would feel his nose crunch, rather than hear it.
"His hands frantically claw my foot." is another line that can be shortened. I think "he claws my foot" is stronger, as well as shorter.


Final Thoughts: Overall, this is a much improved scene, that generally benefits from the change in action and tense. Good luck on the book. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
6
6
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well, this was a good chapter, with a few flaws.

First, the sequence where Deal meets Worthington feels a bit rushed. Deal is drafted, and SUDDENLY he's on a horse riding with the man. Did he pack food or supplies? Did he bring the Book? You kind of just jump right into the, traveling, and I was wondering the whole time whether he had the book.
More, if you show Deal preparing for the journey, you could give insight into how he feels about being drafted. If he brings the book, is he afraid of the loyal man of god finding it. If he leaves it, is he afraid of someone else finding it.

Second, it's a good idea to show us what Worthington looks like. You mention Deal seeing his lips, so I assume his entire face is visible. Maye he "had a pure face save for a mad cast to his eyes" or something to give a better idea as to what he looks like.

Third, I feel his attack on the villagers is too soon. We only just met him and already he's doing harsh things. It might be more surprising if we spend a chapter learning about the guy, maybe he's friendly to Deal or something, that way the reader is more surprised when he does berserk on the family.
;
By the way, that was a great scene. :) Very effective and well written. My only problem with that scene is you kind of imply multiple times that the old man is dead, and then he's turns out to be alive. More, I'm not exactly sure what Worthington did to the family. (though that may be answered in the next chapter, we'll see.)

By the way, I have NO idea what the last paragraph was about. I can't recall anything about a prayer's warning, and the deja vu ruling the evening but the White Knight ruling them all was very vague.

All around this was an enjoyable read, I look forward to what happens next. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
7
7
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
The writing here is better than in previous chapters. I have no complaints. :)

I don't have a whole lot to say about this chapter, as it is short. I thought the situation was very easy to get out of, and overall I felt it had no consequences. At this point in the book, I'm still not sure what it's all *about*. Is it simply a book where Deal plays around with magic? If so, fine, but I think you should make that clear in your description, maybe. As it is, I'm reading and waiting for the actual plot to start happening.

The environment was well described, as were the new characters. I'm not quite sure what Jeffrey was thinking, randomly grabbing the horse. That bit seemed off to me.

The biggest thing I noticed this chapter was the change in tone. The first two chapters have a very grim feel to them, even in the events. Deal seemed a grim warrior-type, and a wizard broke into his home and all, then chapter 2 has him being attacked by crows. The tone and the imagery was dark, but that changed in chapter 3 when a horse is talking, and Deal is a very friendly polite person. That whimsical, light-hearted vibe grew further in this chapter, with a talking mouse and cuckoo clock.
If this was the intention, I feel the change in tone should be more gradual. As it is, it's pretty jarring. If not, well, now you know there is a change in tone.

That's all I have to say. If you have any questions or comments, let me know. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
8
8
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well that was a fun read. :)
The strange narration and odd phrases are no longer present, replaced by a few punctuation issues. Nothing eye-popping though.
I very much enjoyed the conversation with Jezebel, as it was amusing, and showed more of Deal's personality. He seems to be a kind person, though it conflicts with the tone established in the first chapter. There he seemed a grizzled warrior, but we'll see more as the book progresses, I'm sure.

The end was also surprising. The trick with the cold coin was funny, and when he was pulled into the coat, it was a very shocking moment.

I look forward to what comes next. :)
9
9
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This chapter gives a better idea of what the book is, and the ability of the pipe. The first problem I noticed was the fact that there is no mention of how long after the first chapter this is. Deal seemed quite out of his mind at the end of the last chapter, but here he seems fine. There's no mention of time passing, he kinda just starts the chapter standing in the middle of the room.

There is some strange narration choices, and phrases. As before (and always) I can comment on those in a separate email if you wish. And if you want me to include those thoughts in future reviews, let me know. :)

I liked the confrontation with the crows, and the mentions of crows judging and demon sons and such. We (the readers) also learn a bit more about the world. The Rapture has already happened because man used magic. This is why Jensen was secretive about it, and why the crow believes Man to be evil. This is what I gathered from this chapter.

This was a more enjoyable read because of it's quicker pace and shorter length, along with simpler descriptions (for the most part)and the fact that Deal seemed in his right mind. He questioned the crow, he seems to care for his horse, and reading the Book will help him survive. I'm not exactly sure why that is; hopefully this is a mystery to be solved rather than a detail that I missed.

If you have any questions or comments, let me know. I'm enjoying the book so far. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
10
10
Review of The Book  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello!
So, this story was interesting. First I'll say that there were quite a bit of grammatical mistakes, but nothing that completely ruined the story. If you'd like, I can email you a list of the suggestions for change.

To the problems of the actual plot, change in description is much needed. Everything in the beginning is well described for the most part, but because we don't really get a good description of Deal, it's harder to visualize his change. By the time his long hair and mustache were changing, I already had him fixed in my mind as a bald scruffy faced guy, and he was older than I pictured him, as well.
I also could not visualize the light-thing that approached him while he slept.

As for the good, as I said, early description is colorful and well done. Deal seems like an interesting character, but he's drunk and baby-talking for most of chapter, hah. Jensen was a good character, and I like the idea of the pipe. The ending where he is turning to a baby is unsettling, in the good way. :)

As for the plot, I feel like we (the readers) could have gotten a bit more. For now, some things we don't know about has happened, and that's about it. Beyond Deal looking in the book at some point (maybe next chapter?) there's not much of a promise of compelling plot, if that makes sense.

I do like the hints toward the setting of the book, however. God is heavily part of the culture, but it's unclear if this takes place in the real world that has magic or a fantasy world that has God.

I don't have anything left to say, so if you have any questions or comments, of course let me know. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
11
11
Review of Lady Jayne  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello, The bald writer Author Icon, I'm here to review what seems to be the first chapter.

What Can Be Fixed Within The Text:Within the text there are many moments where you forget to add a period or comma. Also, when the old woman falls down, you mention her "scram".
Other than that, the story is well written.


The Good Within The Story: This is an intriguing story, with good description and a couple good mysteries. The main character seems to have some sort of multiple personality, or possession of some sorts, with you alternating between "I" and "He". The dialogue is well done for the most part. (there is a little stilted-ness) However, you never say "he\she said" and I know who's talking.


Suggestions For Improving The Story: My only storytelling issue with this is the alternation between "he" and "I". It wasn't clear at first that there was something was going on with the main character until he falls, I only thought you were inconsistent in your narration. As it's cleared up eventually, it is intriguing, but the first few times it was not good to read. It kept snapping me out of the otherwise well done narration.

Final Thoughts: Some good mystery for both characters involved, good description, and good narration leads to an intriguing story that is easily readable. Well done. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
12
12
Review of I Remember Daddy  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Hello Prosperous Snow celebrating Author Icon, I'm here to review your piece.
A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!

There are quite a few textual mistakes in this piece, so here I will point them out to you.
In this, you often use commas in the wrong places. like when Megyn "looked to her, younger, sister." I think all commas can be removed from that sentence. Also, when describing the father, you write "his distinguished, Errol Flynn, mustache,..." I think you can remove the comma after "Errol Flynn". It breaks up the sentence less.
There's also, "I want to know what you, think, you remember..." I believe all commas can be removed from that sentence.
Also, "Jezebel sat down on the, sheet covered, couch..." All commas removed from here as well. The way you use commas in these sentences chops the sentences up and creates pauses when there does not need to be any.
That's it for the commas, but there are more mistakes I hope to help you correct.
Throughout the story, you switch between "Megyn" and "Magyn" quite often. Even the Jezebel alternated between calling her "Mag" and "Meg".
When Meg (or Mag, I don't know) tells Jezebel the story, she says "I want to here what you think happened..." The proper spelling is "hear", rather than "here".
When Jez is telling the story, she says "...started betting him." It should be "beating", and you do spell it correctly later in the paragraph.
Meg also says "George told you. Didn't her?" Should be "he", not "her".
That ends the grammar portion of the review. Now to the story itself.

The story is interesting. You make it ambiguous as to which side of the story of their dad is true or not, while also adding a twist: that Jezebel is not right in the head. The story was short, and so it progressed at a good speed.
A problem for me is that the the piece is a little too ambiguous. It's unclear who George is, and if it weren't for the intro for the story, I wouldn't have known the house went to Jez. It's also unclear how long ago the father left. All throughout Jez felt like a child (which could be explained by the fall on her head.) but then she seems to own the house, and be suitable (somewhat) to live alone.
I think more information should be given, about what is happening within the story.

That's all I have to say about the story, I hope it helped. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to let me know. :)




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*Shield7* Lord Breach of Martell

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13
13
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Christopher Roy Denton Author Icon, I am here to review your story.

A Game of Thrones House Martell Review!

I've always liked post-apocalyptic stories, and this one was great. I really enjoyed reading this, and I liked all the hints you gave to their situation, like "horse-skin coats" and the conversation with Beth about "Before". The dialogue and characterization was well done. (it does seem like a kid would ask "Why didn't the sun burn everyone?" nice touch there. And the "Chris must Steve" was funny.)
Description was well done. The chill was felt, and the ruined, snowed in neighborhood was seen. I wonder, have you read the "Life As We Knew It" series?

As for problems, I didn't see any in the text, and no phrases or sentences were awkward to get through.
There is one problem with logic I found, however. Quite a few times, you mention "North West". I wonder, how do they know directions, if they can not see the sun? More, The mother at least seemed to be very young when her parents were killed, and I'm not sure she would have picked up on the directions. It's possible that Mat taught her, but it's unclear how much older he is. This bit of the story was the only problem I noticed, but if you did justify their knowledge of "north west" somewhere in the story, do let me know.

Overall, this was a very good story (with a harsh ending, wow! *Laugh*)and I really enjoyed it. My only suggestion for fixing is the "north west" knowledge.

If you have any questions of comments, feel free to bring them to me.



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*Shield7* Lord Breach of Martell

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14
14
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Macy Maverick Author Icon I'm here to review your piece. (That's an awesome name, by the way. *BigSmile*)

What Can Be Fixed Within The Text: Sometimes you capitalize words that don't need it, and don't capitalize words that do need it. There are times where you say a person's name too much once after another, when using he or she would do just as well. I didn't see any typos or misspellings, and never did I need to go back to figure out what it is you were trying to say.
There is one grammar mistake I noticed in the first paragraph. You said "might of thought of". The correct term is "might have thought of".


The Good Within The Story: My favorite thing about this story is that you explain why the people you mention are heroes. It would have been easy to say a list of names, but you explain what they did, and through that I got to learn who they were and what they did. For instance, the only person I knew was Susan B. Anthony, and yet I had no idea how long she fought for equal rights. All those other people I had no idea, and you explained what they did, giving me a better understanding of why they are heroes.
More, this feels professionally spoken, even if the text could use some work. You know what you're talking about, and your belief shines through here.


Suggestions For Improving The Story: I really don't have any issues with the story that can't be fixed by referring to the first paragraph in this review. The way this piece is told is quick, never lingering on one subject too long, and never overstating something.

Final Thoughts: This was well done. I enjoyed the read, as it was written well, and taught me things. (I like the quote by Susan B. Anthony you added in) With some revision to the text, this could be a greater piece than it already is.
I hope this review helped, and I wish you luck with any future projects you have. If you want me to review more, let me know and I'll see what I can come up with. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to contact me through email or IM. Welcome to Writing.com. *Smile*

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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15
15
Review of Creatures  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hello, Black Widow Author Icon I'm here for your review request. :)
Quick disclaimer, I have no experience with poetry, so I don't think I can tell you about techniques or rules or anything. I am reviewing as a casual observer, if that makes sense.

What Can Be Fixed Within The Text:The text is actually very good. Clean and consistent, and I only noticed one change. You ask about God twice (that's not the problem *BigSmile*) and the first time you use a question mark, the second time you use, uh...this thing ;
I'm not sure if that's an inconsistency or a stylistic choice, but since it's the only change or mistake in the text that I saw, I brought it up. Do with t what you will. :)


The Good Within The Story: The lines are very good. Each line feels well thought out and each rhyme feels natural. (I like the line about the highway and construction.)Everything was clear, and nothing was confusing. There's a lot of metaphors and such here, and they all work well. (Again, the highway.)


Suggestions For Improving The Story: I really can't think of how t improve the story, as you seem to debating what form the story is. If I'm right, it could either be a song or a poem. I think it works better as a song. As a poem, the lines are too long (for my taste) and the flow of the line is usually cut off just from the length. I'd be reading, getting a rhythm, and the line would keep going and it felt stretched. I feel a few lines could benefit from changing some words, as it would feel more compact.


Final Thoughts: However, as a song, this piece works very well. It has a somewhat lyrical chant to it, (with a chorus and everything!) and the long lines don't become a problem if you think of it like a song, rather than a poem.
That's all I have to say about this great piece, I hope it helped. There really wasn't a whole lot to correct, and nearly everything worked in its favor. I hope you're proud of this poem, because it is very good. :)
If you have any questions or comments, as always, don't hesitate to contact me.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
16
16
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello, Aidan the Cynical Shawty Author Icon I'm here to review the story. (Derp)

What Can Be Fixed Within The Text: One thing I learned that is easy to remember is the proper usage of the "he\she said" words. You (and me before, and probably everybody at first) use it this way: '"Stuff." He said.' That is wrong because (strangely) the dialogue and the "said" are the same sentence. I suppose it helps with flow and such. What you're supposed to do is: '"Stuff," he said. Note the comma at the end of the dialogue, and the lower-case "he".
Also, your paragraphs skip a line in strange places, and both characters have dialogue and thoughts within the same paragraph, so I can think of no reason for the skips. If you want me to help you with the details of the "he said" situation, let me know. :)


The Good Within The Story: Everything is very clear, almost nothing is confusing, and things feel realistic. The alternation between dialogue and thought allow for tense moments and awkward stillness. I could well imagine the guy standing there reasoning out what to say while the girl waits with a false smile. Nice job on that. *BigSmile*
The dialogue is convincing, and the tone well done. Both people are real, with her irrationality and his clueless-ness displayed. It was both funny and sad when she cries at the end.
I also love the last line. "Oh God, she's one of them." *Laugh*


Suggestions For Improving The Story: I'm a bit unclear on a couple details, which makes the story a tad odd. He says he's going out with the guys, and she thinks "Girls". It was only while writing this review that I realized she might have meant they were searching for girls. I at first thought she meant his female friends. But then she names his two male friends, doesn't know who his third friend is, but assumes it's a girl. I'm not sure if this is supposed to be her paranoia, but it's pretty confusing for what seems a throw-away line.
Also, it seems they're living together...after "a fairly new relationship of 3 months". What? *Shock2*

Final Thoughts: It may sound like I dislike the story, but I actually thought it was really good. I just focused on the negative aspects (which are very minor, there's nothing that breaks the story in here)so you might improve, if you want to. The story was good, it was funny, and very convincing. *BigSmile*
I hope the review helped. If you have any questions or comments, feel free to share them. Good job on your first short story. *BigSmile*

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon


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Review of Sound of silence  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This was a well written poem with good rhymes, interestingly (in the good way) descriptive imagery, and a good flow. The piece felt just as long as it needed to be, and never made me question any of the lines.
Well, one. There is a line in the first verse "Listening the sound of silence." Should it be "to the sound of silence"? If it's an artistic choice to omit the word, it works, but I wanted to let you know just in case it wasn't.
All in all, a good poem that pretty accurately defined that strange buzz of silence, well done.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Hole in My Heart  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (5.0)
This poem had a good rhyme and rhythm to it, with a clear meaning and phrases that were not overly dramatic, yet distinct enough to make a point.
Also, quick thing to point out, it seems you wanted this poem to be blue, but it is not. I saw you're new to the site (Welcome!)so you might not know there is a color grid you can use.
All in all, this was a good poem, I never stumbled or questioned a line. Well done.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Oh my god, that was so bizarre! I like how you used the accent, and still had the news man translate everything. You got a lot of information across using only dialogue, and I was laughing for most of this.
"Three alive lobsters"!
This was a good read, thank you for sharing it. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review of Coping Struggles  Open in new Window.
Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Your story was good. Well felt atmosphere was of discomfort, even resentment, that fixed itself by the end. You gave hints subtle enough as to what happened, there was no "Boy it sure sucks Dad died of cancer, doesn't it?" though thinking back I wonder what happened to their mother. Or maybe the dad drank himself to death and the mother had cancer. This is the good kind of ambiguity that lets people theorize, at least to me.
For problems, I think it's strange that Vincent narrates Vanessa as an angel, then refers to "staring down the demon", I may have misread the scene, but that's what I was thinking he meant by demon.
Also, they call each other by their familiar too often, I think. It may be different for many families, but I never call my sister "li'l sis" and she never calls me "big bro." I get using it once for establishment, but it's almost as if those are their names.
Otherwise the story was good, with great atmosphere, and good drama of quite a few kinds. Well done, both of you.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon
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Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This was a good story, and rightly captures the feel of Beginner's Block, but oftentimes the sentence had so many commas and big words that it was difficult to read. I have no problem with big words if used right,but a lot of times it was unnecessary. Like " A million thoughts, all amounting to nought," doesn't flow well, and there were many moments where the flow made me stumble when reading.
Otherwise, the feel of the piece was accurate. Well done.

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon

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Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
First I'll mention the only problem, and that is the frequent changes from past tense to present tense. You do it quite often.
Now for the praise. :)
I like the idea behind the story, and it's executed well. The alien names look and sound foreign, but are never anything ridiculous like Grsh'zath'kah. Everything was easy to pronounce, and never did I stumble.
More, my favorite short stories are the ones that have potential for expansion,and this one definitely has potential. I would definitely like to read more about these guys. I laughed pretty hard at the cocoon in the corner.
This was a good read, well done.

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Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This was a funny story that had me laughing all the way through. The voice was heard very clearly, and without you even mentioning it, I was picturing british accents. The characters were clear, and everything was easy to follow. (eleven-thirty *is* a strange time to return a hedge trimmer *BigSmile*)

I would suggest that you do some formatting. I think you should add spaces at the beginning of each new paragraph. It makes it much easier to read and as it is I had trouble because everything looks jumbled together.
Otherwise this was a great story. I even showed it to my sister and she liked it, too. Well done, and thanks for the laugh. :)

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#1300305 by Maryann Author IconMail Icon

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Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.0)
This story was well described, and everything was felt clearly. I liked a few of the descriptions, such as when he's bouncing off the rocks following the noise.

However there are some descriptions that make no sense. Such as: rebounded off the sky. How does sound rebound off the sky?

You also mention a long-forgotten betrayed. That doesn't seem like a good description, because it seems like Khaya still remembers him\her. Wouldn't long-forsaken betrayed be better?

While the description of the oasis is good, after he gets the picture the image falls apart. Is it a farmhouse in the middle of the desert? I've never been in a desert so I don't know, but how could a farm survive? Are they using the oasis? Wouldn't it dry out? You say the farm is in the distance, so shouldn't they be closer?

Also, this story is EXTREMELY ambiguous. I have no idea what actually happened during it.

Nevertheless, the story was well told, and is definitely intriguing. If there is a follow-up, let me know. :)

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Review by Breach Author IconMail Icon
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Rated: E | (4.5)
I like the idea of this story and for the most part it was executed well. The description of a nice summer day was well felt, and I could see everything -mostly- clearly as he moved around the bleachers. I didn't notice any typos or anything.

At one point you mentioned Charlie was a soccer player, but that left me confused, as they were on a baseball field, and later on he was said to have a different job entirely. I'm not saying he can't have multiple hobbies or anything like that, but a lot of conflicting statements in a short story is a bad thing, i believe.

This is an unnecessarily convoluted line: ( I don’t know from where that question came, but it was something I felt necessary to ask.) I feel like that line can be simplified. I had to read it twice to understand it.

A mistake in a line I found: "You saw me was in Ellis Hospital," Should it be "the first time you saw me was...."?

One thing I want to talk about, you ruined some of the tension the story had going for it. (That sounds mean, please don't take it so.) What I mean is, a lot of reaper stories I know say that people see Death just before they die. So the fact that a few people see him got me to thinking "Is everybody here going to die in some big event?" And that tension is good. you give away that it's Death in the description (BTW, you spelled Reaper wrong.) so i was theorizing while reading it. But late in the story you say he found out later that summer the old man had diabetes. This breaks the present-tense the story had, and the tension of the plot, because now I know everybody lives.

I know the point of the story is that Death likes a ballgame, but I was intrigued, and it was ruined by a minor detail instead of the actual plot twist, if you know what I mean. I also think changing your description will allow a little mystery for the story, rather than semi-telling us how it ends.

Nevertheless, I enjoyed the story, and it was well told.

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