I relate to the senses of smell, hearing, and the vibrations that come through the air and the soles of my shoes. The scented damp cool of the breeze that caresses my exposed skin and leaves it tingling with life. I admire the way you share your experiences in the way I best understand. Thank you.
Poignant piece. Trouble is I have no way to directly influence any decisions by leaders on the other side of the world, or as far as that goes, on this side of the world. Our elected officials turn deaf ears to the people who elected them and pursue their own agenda, mainly making as much money for themselves as they can while spending our tax and future tax so our great great grandchildren will still not be able to even pay the interest on our debt.
I'm especially concerned about Robotic soldiers. The time will come when they turn on their creators.
I'm very glad that I am 84 years old. I won't have to worry about things I can't change too much longer. I care very much about what comes after I am gone. I feel frustrated that my influence is so minuscule in the scheme of things because I feel a great responsibility for what comes next.
I really like this story. I could say it has the best message I've seen in weeks. One that lives in the memory of your reader, so he feels like he owes you a heartfelt thank you!
The presentation was difficult for me to follow without loosing my place. Your beautiful story would be better served if you indent all paragraphs.
I would suggest that you look closely at this and ask yourself this question. Have I done everything I possibly can to make this story easy to remember, smoothly planted in the garden of my readers mind? Only you can answer this question.
I urge you to write more and share with us, the delightful places your mind goes.
I really enjoyed this piece, especially the ending. It was like frosting on a cake, perfect.
One possible difference between English English and American English might be shown here. Naomi lent on the kitchen side with her right arm.
I checked my desk reference books and did not come up with lent meaning (leaned). Past of loaned (lent).
And the time before Easter, Lent.
Where you are lent might very well be synonymous with leaned, but if you want Americans to understand then it
would be wise to change lent to leaned.
One other suggestion (Usain Bolt at the hundred meters.) was a sports reference I did not understand. I would suggest using something more universal like (a ticket by a policeman for a moving violation) is referred to as being
written up). I'm sure you can find something easier for YANKS to understand, LOL.
I really enjoyed this piece very much. I encourage you to write more, I needed a laugh today, Thank You!
I really enjoyed this. Giving away the present of the gin showed a certain disrespect. I can see it will cost the Archdeacon for a long time. I couldn't help but grin at the malicious way his appointments were arranged.
Is this the actual letter that you sent to your son? It's powerful, with the visuals of the past, and full of love and memories. I'm almost jealous, my son and I are estranged, I've run out of things to try, to heal our very broken relationship. I wait, I pray and I wish but he wants no part of the likes of the me he thinks I am. I sometimes dream of meeting him without him knowing who I am. I wonder if he could feel anything besides loathing.
Must have been a promise morning, you know when the day is full of the promise of something besides drudgery. I found years ago that even things as mundane as hanging conduit in a pipe rack in the heat could be fun. Depends on attitude. I like your piece. Working in an office constantly could be a drag without the ability to hang on to your promise day attitude. I worked for years as an industrial electrician, then graduated to Field engineer. I traded a pouch of heavy tools for a roll of prints.
I am experiencing spring too, but ours is ahead because of our south-central Texas location. It is but 63 degrees F this evening, which feels cool after a high of 86 F. I envy your youth. I've spent 84 years on this earth, and a breath of fresh spring air is refreshing. I wonder at the length of your lunchtime, or perhaps there is a simple word used that is confusing to this old man.
I would have loved having time and the ability to take a long, leisurely lunch. However, in my world, it was a fast swig of coffee to wash down a tasteless, crunchy sandwich. The crunchy part came from the exposure of soft bread to the dry desert air for a minute or two; by the time I reached the last bite, it crunched like toast.
You have obvious good intentions shown by writing this piece. I couldn't agree with your premise more. I'm not one who nitpicks about punctuation. I make typos and sometimes get my fingers tangled. This piece has multiple comma's that need spaces repaired.
I like your writing. You have a gift for snippets of wisdom, which betray the humanness and experience of the author. You have thoroughly captured the personalities and the interplay thereof in this story. I now want to know more of the story. I think I'll start at the beginning, and go from there. I did notice a few errors in spacing between paragraphs. Simple fix.
This piece has a unique way of making the reader fill in their own blanks. The reader must create the "where" in their own mind. You used no sensory words I'm in a vacuum. As my mind always does it creates the environment that is missing. Unfortunately it isn't stable. First the voices are in total blackness. Then bit by bit the light increases. But there is a total reality shift, but there are few clues. The reality is amorphous.
Very few items "in my opinion" are ever perfect. I'm sure if you stared at it closely some tiny imperfection would reveal itself. A word might shift it's place in a sentence Then it might shift back, or two sentences might change their place.
Good story continuation. I love the ending. A lesson disguised as a story for children? This old man enjoyed it thoroughly. Have you ever submitted this as a precursor to publication? I have no idea what is available to you there. I'm not even sure what is available here. I'm too chicken to submit anything; I haven't been able to face rejection. I need someone to run interference.
You have a winner, I believe. I'm sure this is more publishable than my stuff.
I really like this. I'll read part two when I finish this review. Have you watched magpies in action? I never realized what they were doing. They circle around, do acrobatics, swoop and call, doing their thing.
I've been amazed at seeing clouds of magpies rise into the air. They do like to get shiny objects.
You do well, my friend, at giving me a peek past the costume we all wear to obfuscate who we are, and hopefully not hide that information from ourselves.
All too often, I see a tendency in myself to believe more in the charade I created than the sometimes painful truth. Time has given me the opportunity to become friends with myself, and the charades have vanished into the air.
I realize you wrote this a while back. You packed a rather complex story into less than 700 words. This was a worthwhile endeavor. You elaborated on the pieces just enough to make them fit perfectly into this story.
You touched on a very possible situation, leaving little for the reader to imagine.
This has the makings of a good story. You have repetitions where you cut and paste. There are a number of things crying for a careful edit. I advise you to print this and mark it up to complete this stage of your edit. Then use your markup to help you edit your post. I frequently use this technique, especially on
pieces over 6000bytes. It helps keep me from losing my concentration.
The joys of wintertime include sick children and sick adults, too. When my children were young, I remember times when they brought colds and flu home from school. You brought up a ton of memories again. Now, grandchildren's children are that age.
At first, I thought you were the one sick. I would make clear right away who was sick.
My kind of Poem. Your stream of thought follows a clear path for your reader to the climax statement that grey is the color of beauty. I'll remind you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Thank you for allowing me to see through your eyes for a moment.
Good piece. I enjoyed reading it. I like the way you put your readers into your writing. You definitely have a way of getting into your readers' minds. Do you live in Bangalore?
He noticed my pouted lips cover my shrunken eyes like an umbrella opened in the rain covers us.
You captured the total Paralysis that occurs when encountering something that stimulates FEAR! Your wording was excellent. I do wonder about the shifting rhyme scheme.
It is totally permissible to rhyme and then not, but it might make for an easier read if you establish a certain consistency.
You make strong, lasting images with very few words. We all reach the end in our own way. For some, the journey is abrupt, sudden, and unavoidable. Others have the time a transfusion will give, an extension, however brief.
I see you have a firm hold on your boot straps and are doing a credible job of keeping yourself upright. Fake it till you make it! It takes courage to be as open as you are when you write.
I’ll be just fine pretending I’m not,
Are you pretending that you are not fine?
I know that you are not fine, but pretend that you are JUST FINE!
One way to make that crystal clear to your reader would be to add a period after pretending, then continue with I'm not...smiling etc.
Or you could change your key line to I'll be just fine pretending WHEN I'm not.
I know exactly what it is like to wear a smiley face mask when I was falling apart.
Keep writing. It helps, and perhaps others, like me, will identify.
Good job. My best to you. May you find the peace of mind you seek. Until then, keep smiling! It does help in the long run.
un: 
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