Goals & Objectvies:
Are you writing this because you are thinking about sirens
OR is this a prelude to a larger piece of work?
I have always been intrigued with the idea of sirens. Beasts that appear to be beautiful women trap men and consume them. But is that all that there is to the story? I read a little about the history of mermaids and sirens. There are references to different stories stemming from Greek mythology, but there is a lack agreement - so either the story of mermaids is very very old or else know one really knows what the story is.
Questions about mermaids in general:
- What really motivates mermaids / sirens?
- Do they have thoughts and dreams or are they as dull as fish?
- It seems like men would be easier to catch than fish or seals?
- Is the taste of men better than other things in the sea?
- Where do mermaids live? Do they have cities under the ocean?
- Are sirens demons that feed on men's souls?
- Can you somehow turn the idea of sirens - cold creatures that live in the ocean - on its ear???
I like your story / poem - but can you give it some teeth?
Questions about the passage:
- why are sirens evil? who commands them? who is their master?
- are they really evil or just misunderstood (different perspectives)?
- what do the sirens win?
I understand the plight of the composer.
All writers (and creators) have felt the same at different times.
Good subject matter.
- I'm not sure if you are writing because you are experiencing writers block
OR if you are just playing with the subject.
- You are speaking of something which all creative people have felt.
- It would be an interesting hook if at the end of the poem or through
the body of the poem you give hints to the reader how to solve their problem.
- contrasting elements
- using words in new ways
- using different words for the same thing
- illustrating how frustrated you are with many perspectives:
what you do, what you say, how you interact with other people and the environment
- brainstorming ideas
I want you writing to be the best that it can be.
"pace" - find different words
- adds a complexity to the poem that is exciting.
- doing simple exercises like looking for new words in a thesaurus
sometimes stirs the juices enough to get the process of creation flowing.
begging for inspiration.
- more words for inspiration.
The flowers, the air ,the trees,
the earth, the people, the bees.
- what is interesting about the flowers, air, trees, earth, people, and bees
- define them
You write to my heart on this one.
Coffee is an indispensable friend.
Please consider my thoughts as constructive.
I want your writing to be the best that it can be.
"When that first fresh scent floods the air"
- "Fresh" - in my mind is flowers and pine trees on the side of a mountain.
- I love the smell of coffee, but can you think of other adjectives or phrases that define the robust, earthy, nutty, roasted, black aroma of coffee. - I know you love coffee. Find some descriptive words that convey that love.
"As I sit and wait, just silently waiting there" - find a substitute for "wait"
Watching the black brew fill the pot -
Waiting expectantly to drop the divine essence into my cup.
- "brew" and "essence" conjure an image of a wizard or magic user.
- what powers will this thick dark bubbling liquid provide you?
To taste again the sharp almost bitter flavour
That flavour that exists even in my thought
The smell, the flavour… all combined together
- find another word for "flavour"
It raises my feeling, the very beat of my heart
- "feeling" - feeling for what?
- emotions? - what emotions?
You have a nice base. Keep working on this.
You are speaking about something that many people feel strongly about.
Some circles speak of coffee with the passion that other groups speak of brewing whisky, scotch, beer or wine.
Show coffee lovers around the world that you have the same reverence for the dark joy as they do.
Write me a story. Tell me about your perfect life.
Tell me how you achieved this perfect life.
Provide lots of details about: what you see, what you eat, what you do, the people you encounter, your family, your friends...
You need to use at least 2,000 words.
<b> Grammar & Readability </b>
I tell all of my English Second Language students,
"Use many short sentences and short paragraphs."
The break in line - paragraph - tells the reader when to pause.
The reader needs to know when you want them to pause for a breath.
Time - verbs need to agree in time.
If verbs do not agree in time - the reader gets confused.
- You begin with, "John is racing ...." (continuous - BE + verb + ING)
- In the middle you say, "Suddenly, he did...." (simple PAST)
- You end with, "I am ..." (simple PRESENT)
frozen (spelling)
delete this line - "also its top point is not within the reach of his eye."
says, "Oh Mother Nature, I am nothing but an out product of you."
(use " quotation " marks when people speak).
<b>The Good Stuff</b>
- nice contrast between the living and the dead
- personification of the ocean as a giver and taker
- good story
<b> Questions </b>
- Is the man in the home a model of a father or the living dead?
- Will you expand this into a short story??
<b> Grammar & Readability </b>
- vigilantly - wait patiently while looking for danger (guarding)
- vigilante - person who acts violently
(was this a play on words or an honest mistake) ???
<b> What I liked </b>
Good flash fiction story
- wended - great word
<b> Grammar Stuff - Readability</b>
"All haunted woods....
They glanced at each other (who glanced - the boys or the boys and the specter?)
several illuminated ghostly figures buzzed their .. (buzzed? - passed by, slapped the sides, left marks, made contact, made strange hand gestures ??)
<b>Suggestion / Question</b>
Know there are number constraints on words, but if possible, would like answers to some questions.
1.)Set up the beginning with an advertisement - Did they see a sign on the road for "Haunted Woods" and stop on an impulse OR saw an advertisement on a telephone pole and made plans to visit?
2.) Can you give a hint as to why they boys don't like Anna?
What did she do to deserve certain death?
Don't worry, I have read a lot of horror. There doesn't have to be a reason for killing, but knowing why sometimes makes the story more memorable.
I know this is flash fiction, so I hope the comments are not too much.
Like the story.
Like many writers, I read a great deal. I try to view work from the perspective of the audience. Please, view my comments as positive commentary. I want your writing to be the best that it can be.
Overall - an interesting story.
From what I can tell - this is the first draft of your story.
I can see 9 - 20 chapters resulting from this overview.
I am starting to see the world that is forming in your mind.
You have a lot of complicated elements that need more detail.
You need dialogue to give us a glimpse of motivations and interactions between these characters.
I have done my best to organize comments as they appear in the progression of the story.
1.) 2nd "born" - use a different word phrase (ie. broght into this world.
2.) "She used the evil to things..." (elaborate - give some examples - what was the tipping point / worst?)
3.) "The locked her away and gave her six personalities: Luna the kind, Eclipse the fearful, Raven the insane, Moon the brave. Shadow the angered and Ethalaina the original. (list : - consistency in Caps)
4.) Space out the writing for readability. Distinct paragraphs allow for emphasis and pauses.
5.) How did the girl kill her parents?
6.) Something about the brother's life in the woods.
7.) Some details about Grimm the Reaper
8.) Why did the queen take in Hound Fury? What deed did her perform? Saved her?
8b.) Is the queen good or bad? Does she feel sorry for Hound Fury or is Hound Fury a likeable character?
9.) Master Eidolm - sounds evil - Can we have a glimpse into his mind and deeds.
10.) Did Master Eidolm use witchcraft or trickery to pull Hound Fury to his side.
11.) Was Hound Fury scolded by his queen? Did he have his heart broken - ie: subject to adolescent rage?
12.) (restating) What was Hound Fury's motivation to join Eidolm?
13.) Is Hound Fury funny, well grounded, over emotional, stupid, smart??
14.) Hound Fury gains power and his name changes - he want's more power. - - Can we have some dialogue that gives us a clue as to what is going through this person's mind?
15.) 'Lupin the Dark Elven FAe is not a nice guy. If he has been fighting and killing he is scarred and probably not very pretty. Why would the warrior Mia think he is sweet?
16.) Lupin wants power - wouldn't he be the one pursuing Mia?
17.) How Lupin gain the attention of Mia and the trust of the father?
18.) The father is a vampire. Are vampires nice people?
You have lots of elements here that need to be developed.
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