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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/duncankayak
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17 Public Reviews Given
18 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
1
1
Review of Longevity  Open in new Window.
Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
I loved your theme. It made me feel as if the type of deep love and commitment is possible for anyone. I also am in a very happy marriage with a man I adore. I love him more today than I did the day I married him; I understand how very fortunate I am.

Maybe if you resequence some of these ideas just a bit, you can spend more time discussing and interweaving how each couples' love and commitment shaped their lives, and the lives of their family members, especially you.

I suggest:

Stay with the discussion of Marguerite first.

Next mention your parents, their almost 60 year accomplishment, then maybe expand here. It would be interesting to see how their love and commitment further shaped your life. In the last paragraph, you say "My parents will soon celebrate 60 years of marriage. They too learned the secret of the deep love of man and woman."

You might describe how their love affected you: a loving home, security, peace, and how they taught you, through example, how to live and enjoy a mutually beneficial, deeply loving relationship.

Then you could discuss the love of YOUR life. Maybe introducing this segment with a memory of how you first realized that you were in love with you wife. How the concern and caring you have for each other also benefits your parents, parents-in-law, and most importantly your children.

Next, your daughter.
How old is she? What is she doing as you look upon her and wonder what her life is like. Is there any specific advice you want to sit down and talk about with her? I'd end it here with your hope that she can find a life-long companion, friend, and husband with whom to share her life.

In closing, there must be an underlying comment, statement, or observation that somehow links the multiple generations AND the common needs/benefits of deep love and commitment.


Great story - it certainly gives the reader lots to consider!

Keep writing!
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Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Okay, I'm no expert, but I read your work, then read it out loud repeatedly and found it to be difficult.

Maybe the difficulty is the goal to which you are reaching. I'm not sure.

This seems to be one amazingly long run-on sentence. Yet I think there are several separate thoughts...but I can't divvy them up and understand them.

The first thought addresses the subject's "pondering" that goes along a road that does not "lead" ... blinded by the seed...

no more shall we face the hordes of moral justice...

I'm very lost at this point. I don't think it's because I'm not intelligent enough to "get it", but rather, maybe, your poem is much like a maze. It seems to encircle itself until the reader can't escape the maze.

Or maybe I'm missing something.

There's something there. Heck I read it ten times silently, then six times aloud -- trying to "get it."

Maybe if you could make the ideas re: "the road that does not lead" pne thought, then break to the next sentence where whatever is the blinding agent, acts out its behavior.....

I'd love more information to enlighten me re: the "hordes of moral justice"

Here's my last thought. Maybe I'd understand all of the writing more if there was a sentence or two at the beginning that "set the scene" so I could more accurately understand the writer's perception of time, place, and circumstance.

Your poem is very interesting, but it seems I need a key in order to unlock the mystery of what the writer is trying to unleash.

Keep writing! I'd love to see this when I have a deeper understanding, or a if there's a revision or so...

Sincerely yours,

A Curious Reader
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Review of The Attempt  Open in new Window.
Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I enjoyed your poem "The Attempt" very much; it's very thought provoking.

I found myself feeling very protective of the main character and wishing I could reach out to help this person. I deeply cherished the fact that another person's love/friendship could act as redemption to save the main character. I enjoyed the ending, especially as it underscores how very important we are to each other in this life. Just yesterday, I held my friend as she cried on my shoulder because of pain, angst, and despair. I am glad I was there for her.

I think as we go about our busy lives, working, school, buying things, going out, etc, it's easy to forget that 1) we need our friends in good times and bad and 2) that our friends need us. Our society seems so focused on "going" and "doing" or "being seen", there's less of just hanging out and having time for friends and family.

Your poem brought these ideas into the forefront of my mind. As a mother, with two elementary-aged kids, a career, a busy husband, etc...I've been guilty of not being the friend I should be sometimes. I'm going to start working on that TODAY.

The only suggestion I can make is to expand this a bit more. When finished reading it, I found myself wondering "What happened?" Was there something horrible that happened that day? or recently? Was this person experiencing long-term dilemma from which he/she felt there was no escape? Or was the person experiencing clinical depression and simply wanted out of the gray world in which he/she felt she was in habiting.

Thank you for your poem.
A Curious Reader
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Review of Eye Contact  Open in new Window.
Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Wonderful way of describing how hum-drum life can become.

I felt like I got a good sense the wife and the relationship when I read "...could almost hear my wife tell me it’s mauve or fuchsia, or purple or whatever." Then the next line of "It was pink. Dark pink. Get over it." really made me feel like I understood the speaker and his perception of the wife.

I'm curious about the line "I still held on to that thin veil of deception." Did you mean "deception" (as in deception of others) or did you mean "self-deception"?

I loved the way you described Tootsie-roll's impact on her customers and how eye contact and simple courtesy can make others feel happy.

Occasionally there were too many short sentences one after another and the story seemed to get choppy. For example, you might consider the following example:

You wrote: The guy in front of me knew this too. He gave his order to her while extending his middle finger at her. She didn’t notice. He turned to me and laughed. He could have been Charles Manson and she wouldn’t’ know. She just stared at her pad.

You could try out: I could tell that the guy in front of me knew this too because he gave his order while extending his middle finger at her. She didn’t notice. He could have been Charles Manson and she wouldn’t’ know; she just stared at her pad. He looked at me and laughed while he walked away.

It's just a thought.

Grammatically, this is written very well. I enjoyed the pace and the flow of the piece. You should know that “mid life crisis”. should have the period before the end quote, so it would be “mid life crisis.”

The paragraph beginning with "The middle finger guy got the manager at the cash register." seemed to be too long without a new paragraph beginning. The topic seemed to change right at "He collected his chocolate chipped bagels..." you might consider breaking at that point.

This sentence seems very important to the story and it might benefit from a bit of rewording.
From: A deep pool and I got lost in and didn’t want to be found.
One suggestion: Claire looked at me and I sank into the deep pool of her brown eyes. I was immersed in those eyes, lost even, and I didn't want to be found.

There seemed to be a break in the story after I read "I smiled back at Claire and stepped away from the counter. Then I just waited. Nothing." Up until then, I was reading this as one man's worship from afar of Claire. Then suddenly, he expected something from Claire, but I'm not sure what he hoped for. Was it a lingering look? a wink? or something else. hhhmmm

I loved the ending! Frankly, I was so into your character that by the end of the story, I was beginning to worry that he'd ditch his life and family for some teeny-bopper with brown eyes. I liked the way the wife reached out to him and he responded. It's not that I disapprove of divorce, it's just that I think anyone can get bored and then make bad decisions that wreck their lives and all those around them.

Great writing! Keep on with this!!!

A curious reader
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Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Thanks for your poem "I want Back My Yesterday." I enjoyed reading it very much.

I liked your ending "...a society where everyone can be truly happy." I wonder if that might not be a sort of beginning note also. What I mean is, if you were to start out with something like "I wish for/desire/hope/etc for a society where everyone can be truly happy." This allows you to echo the premise of your poem at the beginning and the end, thus reinforcing your theme.

I wonder if what you really wish for is "yesteryear" or if what you really want is for everyone to be happy...or both?

I rated you a 3.5 and here's why. I enjoyed the poem, but I feel that a few more lines might really add some punch.

While I read, I wanted to visualize the setting(s) of your poem more thoroughly. I would have liked a tip(s) of the geographical location you had in mind. While your writing is quite interesting, I found myself only able to get a Beaver Cleaver kind of picture in my mind. If this is the mid-west, the West Coast, Mexico, New England, the deep South, (all of which contain the items mentioned in the peom) I might have felt more "connected" with what you wrote. Or possibly, you want the reader to reach back into his/her own memories for a specific time and/or place in which to consider your writing...Is that closer to your intent?

I just re-read my last few sentences a few times and I can't find a better way to say what I mean. I suppose a mention of a cool breeze off the ocean, or looking over a mountain range, or visiting with neighbors in a regular Nebraska town, might make this story more poignant for me. Of course, that's just my opinion.

I appreciate your reaching out to anyone who has fond memories of growing up, of grandparents, of hanging out in the neighborhood with a group of friends, but I suppose I'm saying that this poem is just a bit too generic. With a few more lines to set the scene, your themes might be driven home more fully.

Mechanics-wise, your writing seems terrific. I found no grammar issues, and your "flow" seemed to carry on quite well (and quite consistently) throughout the entire piece.

The only other issue I might bring up is the looking back on only the "best" things in the past. We all know that lots of bad things happened back then, but with less media coverage, no internet, and a less enlighted-society, our population didn't know so very much about the dark corners of our country and the people that suffered alone. On a personal note, my mom wasn't the best cook ever! <grin>

What makes me think of this has much to do with your WDC handle, Huckfinn65. I just heard an interview with John Clinch about his recently published book "Finn." Mr. Clinch has written the back story on Huck Finn's family, his mother, and Huck's father, "Finn." This is a rather dark story that seeks to explain Huck and his life with Tom Sawyer. I haven't read it, but am hoping to soon. The NPR interview also included a Mark Twain Literary specialist in the story, she highly approved of the book and Mr. Clinch's further development of the Finns as being deeply reflective of all that Mr. Twain wrote before. You might enjoy the book!

I wrote something rather nostalgic with similar themes, about my growing up and wishes that my children could enjoy environments similar to what I experienced as a child. I would appreciate it if you could take a moment to read and reply to me about it. It's named "Irish Need Not Apply"; the title is explained in the short story. I'm probably going to go back and make it a big less preachy. As you and I seem to be pondering similar themes, I'd love your take on what I wrote.

Thank you again for sharing "I Want Back My Yesterday."
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Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hello,

I found your story very moving. Your description of Anthony is certainly enough to make me feel like I could "see" him in my mind's eye, but you didn't overload the story with me too much detail.

I sensed that Anthony struggled to not "give away" his mother's secrets. That he understood that other families were not like his, but he displayed maturity unusual for a little boy.

Anthony sought something in the Da Vinci painting. You didn't say which painting, but I wonder if it is of a woman gently holding a child. Is that the painting you had in mind during this story?

Lovely story; I look forward to reading more of your work.

Sincerly,
A Curious Reader
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Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I'm so glad you finished your story and shared it here at writing.com. I deeply enjoyed it!

You've got some very interesting things going on here, the girl, Ma, her foster sister, oh and that Woman (her birth mother) showing up out of the blue. It's gives one lots to think about.

Spacing in your piece is an issue. I copied chapters 3 & 4, and then 5 & 6 into notepad so I could make more paragraph breaks. Easier to read that way. Don't forget to check the box next to "Preserve Spacing" when uploading something.

Now for the fun stuff. I loved the ending of chapter 4, "Ma had the bath running." It skillfully transitioned from the girls thoughts in her own head out and into the rest of the world, the world of running water, a tangible reminder that the world waits for NO ONE.

When you wrote "The questions flooded so fast, I couldn’t keep them straight. " I could really see this young girl caught up in a fantasy of her Potential Mom. Then you used Ma's voice, "You can't stay in there all day..." to bring the child down out of the clouds and back into real life. Nicely done!

As your story continued, you did a great job of carrying on in the girls voice. When you wrote "A fake mother and a fake father." I was really feeling what she felt, not wanting to leave Ma, wondering how this woman, that looked nothing like her could really be HER biological mom, and then there's the "New Husband." Ick...what a huge burden for the little girl.

Btw, "Hoorray!" probably should be spelled "Hurray!"

The idea of "I had to find a new favorite dress. This one had been ruined forever." really struck me. As adults, we really don't know what our children will think or feel about our actions, do we?

Your closing was very poignant:
Wonder, hope and fear were feelings I struggled to bury deep in a treasure chest laden with insecurity, quashed dreams and abandonment. I guess I always knew I wouldn’t ever be adopted.

This made me really feel for the little girl and wish that life wasn't so hard on her. At the same time I feel respect for her resilience and ability to continue on with life, even when it isn't so very nice or comfortable. This story also makes me appreciate women like "Ma" who take in children, care for them in every way every day, and then help them on with the rest of their lives. Wow! I'm not sure I'm that strong, but I certainly admire the Foster Mothers that are out there.

Keep WRITING!
Sincerely,
A Curious Reader
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Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! Wow! wow... Thank you for sharing this story. Having been that woman, struggling against invisible demons, depression, unhappy spouse, etc, I can say that you've truly captured "it" -- whatever "it" is.

Your language and pace are wonderful. I easily read from paragraph to paragraph, I was up with the hope of escape, and down again when returning to the house and it's broken dish.

This is a moving story, one that should be shared and treasured. You've done a wonderful job here.

Yours,
A Curious reader
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Review of Face of a Man  Open in new Window.
Review by Curious Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Okay, I have the shivers now that I read your story. Thank you for sharing it at this site. Now I feel so sorry for that shallow man who can only pretend a family. And how the pretense prevents him from creating a healthy life with a coworker.

I liked the story very much, but I had to re-read a few times to follow "who did what." Somehow, I couldn't identify each character right off, especially early in the story. By the last paragraph though, I had it! But I still went back to check that Laura was the love interest.

The development of each character was done very nicely! I especially liked Justin's involvement in the story. You portrayed each person and their motivations quite clearly.

At the end, I felt very sad for Kevin and his empty life, while simultaneously seeing how deception only leads to unhappiness.

Keep writing!
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