I really enjoyed the poem. You did well with the theme. I liked that. Your progression throughout was also done well. I get that the poem in itself is a metaphor for a relationship that can't be. Your punctuation, though sparse, gave me no problems.
I can't really say what needs work and I don't like to make suggestions, but I'm not feeling that the title suits the lunar theme well.
Overall, I enjoyed your poem, especially the theme of it. My favorite line "they bathe in your attentions".
I came across your poem while browsing through other's reviews.
I think you did well with this short poem, however; I don't think that it speaks directly to the girls.
Your them of think before you act, engage with patience are very true identifiers in life for anyone.
What I think needs work: You presented your poem in the form of quatrain stanzas. It flows well, but could be balanced more by bringing it closer too, or to a metered form. The story of this poem relies on the use of common cliches that would otherwise be too distracting and a turn off. You did good here.
Overall, I think you did well with the old advice.
These are my unprofessional thoughts and comments. Hopefully I am able to help, and get help, as I am learning too.
I found your poem in the "Read a Newbie" section. It definitely imparts the fear of the deep ocean and what one can feel if their fear is real.
What I liked/needs work: Though you do have rhyming couplets in both stanzas that are in syllabic meter, I see this poem as free verse. (The rhymes do come across as forced). Where you tell us about the deep, you may consider one or two parts where imagery can be improved with metaphors. A stronger adjective would help.
Overall: I liked your theme. Your progression was fine.
Please note: I don't do this for a living. My reviews are only opinions and are formed by experience and reviews of my own work. Please disregard what you feel is unnecessary to this poem.
I found your poem on the "Read A Newbie" page. It was a pleasant read.
What I Liked: Your theme, it brought back memories of my first kiss. Your flow of the free verse was good. Not perfect, but good. The ending was cool, it gave me a chuckle. I liked it.
What might need work: Your punctuation was off in a couple of areas. I usually don't mention it unless it causes me to trip. One or two metaphors would give it that extra oomph.
Overall: I find this poem to be well written and one that keeps you in it. It's short and moves well. Very good.
Nice thought, nice poem. Though I got a chuckle out of it, it does leave you to ponder ones own life's ups and downs and how it would play out in a poem or maybe a series thereof. I do find it funny how one word could make you think and ponder. You came across with this at the right time.
A sweet little poem that shares your thoughts and heart with the one you love.
What I liked: Definitely the thought and theme of your heart and where it lies. The short poem, in that it says so much.
What might need work: I hint at the second line, because it was used as a comparison; otherwise, it's common knowledge. I am particular about imagery unless in a form such as haiku.
Overall: I find it to be well written, no trips, and fluid in respect to reading. Nicely done.
I will say, I like poems with a twist. At first my mind was going one way then the next and then another. Until I got to the end, I had no idea where this would end up, except that something bad was going to happen. Then it didn't. You gave life to an egg (lol) and you brutally took it. You watched it suffer. Enjoying the moment when you would get to eat.
What I liked: Everything, nothing here, I didn't
What might need work: Imagery. I'm particular here. I like to see use of some metaphors and similes. You did a great job of describing your moment.
Overall: One of the best (darker) poems I've every read! Awesome
I'll say he did very well. Give him a thumbs from me.
What I liked: His free verse and progression were fine throughout.
What might need work: I take that he was writing from first hand experience, but we know that not all cancer is hopeless. More use of metaphors and imagery.
Overall: I would say very well done for him. Some minor punctuation, but I enjoyed it.
As hard as it was for you, It's nice to hear that you came out of it well.
As for your poem: The theme is fine, it was your experience and I think gave us your part. Your progression throughout seems on par for what you would have experienced.
What might need work: For free verse, there's little rules if any. Most say there are none; however, if there are lines written in a manner that implicate some form of meter, than there is the possibility that your free verse isn't all free verse. Free verse can have rhyme. It is usually sprinkled in intentionally or not. You have shown again that with some of your rhymes, that maybe this is not all free verse.
Overall: I believe you did well. Areas in which I mentioned are minor problems and easily corrected.
Writing from the heart over something personal, in my eyes, is always nearly impossible to put in poetic words that bring about stirred emotions through imagery in the reader. It's going to take practice, so keep it up...you are on your way!
There is without a doubt that gray is a meek color. I; however, like grey.
I like how you use the refrain of gray between couplets. It really accentuates the color in its worst. As far as the structure goes, I feel it's a little off. This could be because of the syllable count and/or your on and off of the rhymes within your couplets.
What I suggest is: meter your couplets. One or two lines off by a syllable shouldn't affect the flow. You shouldn't need to rhyme either as I though it read just fine with and without it.
It's your poem, if I made sense of anything and you are able to use it, great; otherwise you're doing good. Keep it up!
The poem does relate to me the sense of coming out of the weather into a warm room, especially if one was outside for awhile. The last line sort of suggests this.
What might need work: Not much to say here, except for a little imagery.
My suggestion: Other than what may have been mentioned, I like the idea of switching line one and three. I'm not saying that this is necessary. It's just a thought.
Overall: I enjoyed the poem. It has the feel of a well thought out Haiku.
Your poem talks about a much unwanted too common of an occurrence. The break-up that occurs without notice. It's written from the first person's view describing their experience as they are thrown about emotionally in the moments and days following the event.
What I liked: You gave us your recollection as the events unfolded. Your detail was clear.
What needs work: Punctuation and grammar check. Too hard to decipher this poem without the punctuation.
It slows the navigation down. Imagery - you told us everything, but showed us very little.
Suggestions: Other than mentioned, I would second guess calling this a life experience based on a single relationship gone wrong. The implication doesn't quite fit. Maybe expanding on this would simplify one's thinking about what is truly a life experience or part of.
Please note: this is only my opinion and I only talk about what I feel I am most able too. Some reviews may be similar or quite different.
I really liked your progression through the poem. It gave me an insight that I hope I will not have to endure.
Very nice. I think you have done nice job with this poem. It speaks of God's love to all Humanity. Your progression through the poem was spot on. The part of the poem that hit's the hardest is where God begins to speak; "Dear Child...".
The area(s) in which I think may need work are: Imagery and forced rhyme. A poem like this, I find is hard to fill with imagery. When using unmetered lines, the end rhymes can become forced.
What I suggest is: If you are into writing this type of style and theme, keep it up. You are doing well. I would like to read more when you have it. Try it with a little more imagery and watch for any rhyme that may sound forced.
Overall: I thought you had done a good job with the theme and telling of the story.
You have painted a picture that there is more heartache than joy, but then again, isn't life a struggle to begin with? The fact that one would still sing offers hope that life is worth living, that there is joy in life. I really have only one suggestion in this nice piece. Some imagery would livin it up. "Amidst the rubble of lies and hate", I feel is your best line of imagery. I can visually see piles of lies and hate akin to heaps of dirt or gravel.
Nice poem. You definitely driven home the feeling of worthlessness. From the beginning to the end, I can feel this person suffering. I see a person being ignored, bullied, and belittled.
What might need work. - It appears each line is it's own sentence, but I'm not sure. Punctuation would clear this up. In a poem of this type and style, more imagery could send it over the top.
Overall, I thought this was a real nice piece. Definitely drove home the point!
I found your poem on:
"Review Request". I enjoyed reading it and hope you find this feedback useful.
The following review is solely done out of my perspective and no one else. What I write in this review may differ over similar items and their respective reviews as well as that with other reviewers over the same given material.
Overall Impression/Emotional Impact:
I was immediately taken in by the first stanza. It gave me a sense of wonder about our world and what's left to see.
Form, Format, Rhyme and Meter (as applicable):
Use of the quatrain stanza is a favorite of mine; however, you did this without meter. It works, but not as well as maybe it could have. I say this because, It tends to slow the flow in places as well as forcing rhyme.
Artistic Voice and Imagery:
Your artistic voice shines through. I particularly like the line "And darkness drags the daylight under" where the imagery also shines at its best.
Grammar, Spelling and Mechanics:
If it's not obvious and I don't trip on it, then I'm good. - I'm good.
Suggestions:
I do suggest that you try some form of meter. I believe it will help. You definitely have the resources for imagery, you just need to include more of it. Remember "show, don't tell." A very nice poem. I liked it.
I'm glad you shared this, but I'm sorry to say that you were very week in imagery. The line spacing seemed to increase the undue length of the poem. The repetivness with the use of different characters slowed the poem down also. Grammar and punctuation may have helped. "I couldn't wear the socks" might have been better served as "You cannot wear the socks". This relates to the second person speaking. I will suggest that if you do decide to rewrite/edit this, you may want to consider this piece as a short story or prose. It would fit nicely in one or both those categories.
Interesting. I find this to be about the youth generation, always there, looking for their own voice just to say "look at me, I am here." I did liked the imagery in the second stanza. You did a good job there, spread it around a little more. you are doing good.
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