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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/eirareyne
Review Requests: OFF
20 Public Reviews Given
20 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I will tell you how I feel about your writing. I'll comment on what I liked and didn't like, and what questions I still have after reading your piece. I will be constructive and honest to my opinions. If you have any special requests, or if there is something specific you would like me to pay extra attention to, do let me know.
Favorite Genres
Historical fiction, Magical realism, Mystery, Suspense, Essay
Least Favorite Genres
Fan fiction, Humor, Tall tale, Romance, Autobiography
Favorite Item Types
Static items
I will not review...
18+ content, items that would take me over a week to read.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Eira Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Michael,

I really like your concept of a living storm, it's very freaky. It's an original and interesting element to your story and I would want to keep on reading if there was more, so find out where the story would take me.

However, I do think your writing style is too complicated for me too enjoy. I can tell you have a very rich vocabulary. You use a wide variation of verbs and nouns which is usually a good thing, but here there are so many it makes your piece unclear and the piece confuses me.

I think being a bit more concrete would improve your story a lot!

Eira


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
2
2
Review by Eira Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hi Judity,

Living in California, you must have experienced wildfires yourself, it's quite a dark picture you paint here! I have never been close to one, does the fire really spread so fast? It seems a bit unrealistic.

I like the ending of your short story, because I think it is very probably something like this will happen. Somewhere else in the world if not in California.

Something I was missing was some emotion from Micheal towards his dying/death girlfriend, and a more detailed description of how the fire is closing in on them.

One detail I especially liked was that the truck’s gas gauge had been stuck on E for years, that made the story vivid.

Overall, I thought the set up of your story was very interesting, because I can see it happening in real life even though it shouldn't.

Eira


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
3
3
Review of Toressa  Open in new Window.
Review by Eira Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
A very romantic song this would be!

I like how you incorporated so many natural elements, I think this makes the feelings in these lyrics more "natural", more real. One word/sentence I might try to change is "lullaby", because while I can picture everything else happening, rain (even though very rhythmic sometimes) singing a lullaby does not speak to my imagination.

Good job!

Eira
4
4
Review by Eira Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I can tell you really enjoyed "Last Friday Night" by the words and the punctuation you used in your review. Especially "explosive" really speaks to my imagination.

I'm not aware if there was a maximum word count for this assignment, but maybe you could make it a bit longer next time? For example, I would like to know about any memories that are triggered when you listen to music by Katy Perry.
5
5
Review of Plot Background  Open in new Window.
Review by Eira Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Hi Cheri,

I think you have addressed an interesting concept here. Feeling sad and angry about making a decision but still making it says a lot about a character, and this is the part I like the best about your entry.

One point of attention may be that pregnant women might not be springing to their feet and running off, especially not if they feel sad, but this of course will differ from person to person.

Kind regards,
Eira
6
6
Review of Margaret  Open in new Window.
Review by Eira Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I could really connect to Margaret, because she seemed to act like me in some situations. For example: one of my habits is to put my head on the rim of my coffee cup! I developed a sympathy for Margaret when you mentioned she cycled to foster homes, as that sounds like the life story of someone I know. I also like Margaret's wittiness: "I really wanted to talk to Ed." "He didn't answer, did he? So you're stuck with me. Talk."

I think your story may be a bit too detailed for me. For example: it may have been more powerful to just say that a rooms seems like a prison than to describe all the object in the room and their monotonous colors. I didn't think these descriptive details added anything to the story. I like how you borrowed from historical events like Daniel Morgan though, that gave a nice depth to the story.

I think I spotted a grammar error here: "This is the fifth different school in the third different state you attend since your mother dies." Margarets mother has been dying for a long time then *Wink*

Keep writing!
7
7
Review of Lest We Forget  Open in new Window.
Review by Eira Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Don't we all remember where we were and what we did on that September day? I was a small child, walking home from elementary school as it was evening in my timezone. I was dancing, smiling and running the whole way. Then, when I got home, I heard the news.

Your poem takes me back to that moment. It invokes the powerful emotions I felt back then and the videos from the news replay in my head. Both the fourth and the last phrase of your poem make think. They make me compare the state of the USA 10 years ago with the current state of the country. Is it really more united? Is hatred really gone?

This poem made me interested in your thoughts on this matter, and now I would actually like to hear more about your opinion.

Great job :)
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