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Hello! I chose to Review the GEN Project, chapter 1 because it sounds very interesting. I hope any comments I make will be of some use to you.
Overall Impression:
There is a lot of potential in this story. The plot is strong,and it has a very diverse scope of possibilities. Meaning, you can go anywhere with this plot, the treasure hunting business has always created the best stories. So the concept is worthy, and you have a winning idea.
Plot:
You've chosen to jump right in to the action at the beginning. Some times this usually leaves the reader scrambling to gather facts about the novel. Ennix's first words though spark interest, and create curiosity. As it progresses on, the two characters, Ennix and Ranke manage to give the reader a picture of what is going on right then. It is obvious their relationship is new, and Ennix is the main character, I believe as it progresses, the plot begins to emerge nicely.
Style and Voice:
Using Ennix's thought process to tell the story, does give the novel it's own unique style. The flow of words, for example, "....Pheh, he was a little dramatic for Ennix's taste, but Ranke was all that he had, making him important." defines your own personal style of writing. It gives personality to the story. Scratch that, the worst that could happen is that he could be decapitated in a horrible, gruesome fashion. Let's just hope that doesn't happen This is also another example of the unique flow of words, but I think that adding the last sentence which would mean that it was Ennix's thought, the use of italics to show that he was thinking that is better. Otherwise, it looks like the writer is making a commentary, in his work.
Scene/Setting:
The description of the crypt is on the mark, it is easy to see the "decrepit" part of the tomb. The addition of coffins, the need for light, and the corpses adds to the setting.
Characters:
Ennix is obviously a man after adventure, and money, to the point that legends don't scare him, instead they drive him to prove them wrong. Ranke might be a man doing things under pressure, for money, pressure from the one who's hired him...and so forth. On your characters, I have to say you've done an outstanding job, because they make the story come together. Their reactions, their comments, and unexpected actions, favorite part is when Ranke considered to be somewhat scared and a wimp, suddenly attacks the bandit fearlessly. very well done.
Dialog:
This is witty. Especially when Ennix encounters the bandits at the beginning. I found myself smiling, in the face of danger as it were. Hehe.
Grammar and Mechanics:
Suggestions:
"With the momentum of his thrust, the man was unable to stop himself from barrelling straight into Ranke and tripping over his shoulder, hitting the floor with a loud mmph. This line is part of a stunning description of action. The only thing I would just urge you to change is the last part where you say he hits the floor with a loud mmph. The "loud mmph" is ambiguous, mostly because there are so many types of sounds when things fall it would be easier to define it, and express it to your reader.
Also, I think it would be good to read the story to yourself out loud. See how it sounds when you read it, and whether, what you hear, is what you wanted to express. Sometimes this helps the flow of the story a very long way.
I had a good time reading this. And I hope my comments will be of some use to you. |
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| (4.5)
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