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Review Requests: ON
1,225 Public Reviews Given
1,466 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
Disclaimer: I am not good at remembering to do requested reviews. Often I have busy things going on with work and my own novels, so sorry if I decline or don't remember to do a review in the short time given. Just a warning. When I review: Long. Depending on the type of story and reason for review I tend to get anywhere from 4,000 characters to on the rare occasion over 10,000. I will make overall comments, technical points and even offer sources when necessary but a lot is dependent on what I'm reviewing. I can even do a full edit but that's take a lot of niceness and time.
I'm good at...
Ummm let me ask someone and get back to you on this.
Favorite Genres
Fantasy. I read a lot of romance/erotica because of the contest I run. I'm fairly open and will read stories, poems, nonfiction, chapters, almost anything.
Least Favorite Genres
I know less about mystery, horror, some nonfiction topics, and westerns. I also don't care for vampires, sorry but just don't interest me.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories.
Least Favorite Item Types
Probably campfires and interactives. Maybe surveys and polls too though I can always managed to find enough to say.
I will not review...
Shrink or Growth items. I've seen references and yeah, not my type. Erotica is one thing, I can handle most with only few times leaving a story feeling scarred for life, but those two I have no interest in helping. So, unless you want me to say please stop, don't request I review that and if you do, better have it rated appropriately.
Public Reviews
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1
1
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Prof Moriarty tries to return Author Icon.

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the genre prompt.

First Impression: This is a dynamic fantasy story that used a genre prompt to create a struggling world with the reliance on a particular character and an interesting approach in order to bring resolution for the group. It has a nice level of world building and does show some elements of character done in a limited word count frame. Even though I was a little confused the first time I read through the story, it was quite an interesting story.

Prompt: The nice and difficult part of this contest is the only prompt requirement is the genre, which gives a lot of freedom for creating a story. As a judge, we never know what to expect beyond some element to fit in the given genre. This story takes a less than expected approach, which is fine and even appreciated, and had elements easy enough to give the nod to the genre prompt.

Story and Technical Thoughts: For the most part, things are well done with this story. It isn't easy putting in this big of a story in less than 2,000 words. It also isn't easy showcasing the world and having such a conflict in a way that isn't over explained but also doesn't feel random do to the length limitations.

For me, I had a distraction near the beginning with the baby crying. I've heard plenty of babies cry as I often helped with my little cousins and the "wooah" doesn't read to me as a crying sound. I'm not sure what would be better other than maybe an over used "waaah" or something similar. Woah just reads to me in a different tone and as a word instead of a sound from a child that doesn't have words yet. Just something I noticed but it might not even catch the attention of other readers.

Final Comments: Overall, I did appreciate the story as it was both interesting and different than what I might have expected. I hope that you enjoyed the challenge of the prompt and creating this item.


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2
2
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello PureSciFi Author Icon.

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the genre prompt.

First Impression: One thing this does really well is to drop the reader right into the action. There isn't a lot of description or set up, telling the reader about things before any action happens. Instead, the story gets going right away with the battle as the Blade Warriors attack. That can be a good thing but it does have some drawbacks. I had a hard time following the story because it's got the potential to be a big story but the contest only allows 2,000 words. As the reader, I was left with too many unanswered questions and not enough information about the main characters to connect with the story. It's a good starting point but needs more room to grow and play.

Prompt: *Check* This was an easy prompt. Write a short story in the fantasy genre. You have that here with the warriors and different world. No one would doubt the qualification of this item for the contest that month.

Story Thoughts: I feel like I've said this before but it's just a fact and maybe nothing either of us can do anything about but I'm not quite the reader for this, at least not as a short story. However, I hope you are a novel writer (which is what I actually write as I struggle with these small word count limits). Because you do quite well in creating these big stories and getting a start to the characters but it always feels held back by the word count limit. Have to jump around in different sections, missing some details in order to make everything fit. You do manage to cram a lot into this story but it also feels like things are still missing, which might be linked to jumping around element too.

So, it's a good start. A spark of inspiration for a story but with so much potential to grow into a fantastical, epic story.

Final Comments: Overall, it's a good starting point and I'm sure there are other readers who will have an easier time reading/connecting with the story. On a side note, thank you for making the font easy to read. That did help. On the general technical side, you often do quite well, so that is another plus.

Nice work. Keep writing!


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3
3
Review of The Cavity  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Graham B. Author Icon.

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the genre prompt.

First Impression: Quite the story, finding a way to use a dentist main character as they face a strange phenomenon over an odd element on an otherwise, fine looking tooth. The addition of the daughter really helps to solve things even if the main character is skeptical at first. A creative approach to a fantasy story using a somewhat mundane main character for the events.

Prompt: It was easy enough to see the fantasy elements to the story, making it fit in the genre, which was the only requirement of the prompt. Journey Through the Genres is quite easy in that way.

Story Thoughts: I liked the daughter character. She really helped move things along since she had the information that was needed to solve the cavity issue. It's a creative idea, having the demon attach to a tooth and a little strange too. Definitely not something I would have thought about but I can appreciate the choice made. It's good they got the one demon handled and were ready for any further problems.

Final Comments: Overall, it does seem well written. I didn't notice anything major that would hinder the reading process. I would suggest maybe using a few less exclamation marks but that is a personal preference. I know some like to use them and it's not that they are incorrect or anything in a story. I just keep them on a minimal usage myself. In the end, it's all up to what you want to do with the story.

Nice work. Keep writing.


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4
4
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello LightinMind Author Icon .

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the genre prompt.

First Impression: With the title and known prompt, I wasn't sure what to expect with this one. While it isn't the story that you would expect, it has a strangeness that can be appreciated by readers. What the story does well is to set the scene and give the reader the image of what is happening as the little family has a meal in the historical city of Rome and see things they never imagined.

Prompt: This contest tends to have a prompt that is both easy and a challenge. it is easy because you just to write in the genre listed, but difficult because the rest is open, so you can pick almost anything. With the sort of apparition situation the characters experience during the dinner, this does qualify for the fantasy prompt. You mention food in the notes, so I have to admit that I'm curious where you got that addition? Is it just something you added to give direction or was there another source?

Story Thoughts: While I was a little uncertain about where things were going even though the title did give some elements away, in the end, I did find the story to be rather interesting. It takes a different approach than what one initially expects with a fantasy prompt, which is appreciated to look for something beyond the obvious.

Final Comments: Overall, this is well done and I'm sure there will be a number of readers that will appreciate what you created here. It is different but also made sense. I could follow what was happening and appreciate some of the elements used in the "kaleidoscope of imagery" used for the story. You managed to put a fair amount of story in just over half of the allowed word count.

Well done. Keep writing!


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5
5
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hello Angelica Weatherby- Freezing0* Author Icon.

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the genre prompt.

First Impression: This is a cute story. It has a dragon that grants wishes but does make some good points about the problems that can come with a wish. The day is one that has a surprising conflict for the main character, one where it does come in handy being able to make wishes. It could use a tiny bit of development but does come off well enough as a finished story.

Prompt: The dragon story is one that works quite well and makes it easy to see that it follows the prompt since the contest only required the fantasy genre. Made it easy for people to enter the official contest but also a challenge because so many options were available.

Story and Technical Thoughts: This is quite the story in such a minimal word count. Only a few things that I have noted or considered as the reader. One thing that I found a little strange and wasn't sure about was the wish granting factor. It's more of a genie thing from what I've read so far. Are there any tales or lore where dragons grant wishes? It came off a little random to me that there is just this egg, dragon hatches and speaking to let her know she had wishes. But I did like the way the dragon spoke about the wishes. It is good to let her know not everything changes with the magic one wish, like the cat example. That is a good idea.

One technical point to consider is the font size. I forgot that too but it would help some readers if the font was bigger. I managed to read it okay, but do agree it is easier to read when using 3.5 or 4 instead of the standard size for static items. Minor detail but something that is helpful for readers.

Final Comments: Overall, you did well with the story. You could have added a little more since the word count limit is 2000 but you did manage to put quite a bit of story in just over 1,000 words. It is an interesting story with a wish dragon and a girl who faces a dilemma. Thank you for entering the contest. I hope you enjoyed the challenge.

Nice work. Keep writing! *PenG*


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6
6
Review of Unfolded  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello Amethyst Snow Angel Author Icon.

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the genre prompt.

First Impression: I do appreciate a story that includes little dragons. It is a cute idea with the magic world for the characters to go into and the challenge they faced in helping the Queen when they were there. I did enjoy the story overall. The beginning was a little rough for me, as a good part of the beginning focused on. the dialogue and some details were lacking, probably to keep from going over the word count limit. Once things got going it was easy to continue reading to the end.

Prompt: Magic world and dragons, it is fairly easy to see this qualifies for the prompt. This contest is easy in that way, because you just needed to write something that fit in the genre, which gives a lot of room to play. Can make it hard to narrow down ideas sometimes but you managed to pick something entertaining to submit.

Story and Technical Thoughts: In general, there aren't too many points that cause issues or trip me up as the reader. I do have to admit that it feels like a few paragraphs got some cut backs in order to meet thew or count limit. Like, there will be a sentence in a particular paragraph that doesn't quite connect with the other parts. An example is the paragraph where the main character thinks about his sister's little dream world and becoming a knight. Most of the paragraph talks about how he makes fun of her so the knight comment doesn't feel as connected. Just reads like something got cut for word count (which I have to do often when I enter these so I understand).

I will say you also have good examples in that it doesn't take a lot of words to add a little description. The paragraph about the castle is great because it creates an image with minimal details.

Final Comments: Overall, this is a cute story with little dragons and characters who get to experience a world of fantasy. It is something some other readers on the site will enjoy, a few in particular who really like dragons. Nice work. I hope you enjoyed the challenge of writing for the site contest.


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7
7
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
Hello 👼intuey Author Icon.

My name is Dawn and I'm reviewing your item as a judge for "Journey Through Genres: Official Contest" Open in new Window. [E]. Thank you for entering the official contest with the genre prompt.


First Impression: I like the idea you have here. It's going to be something interesting, once it is developed more. In the current state, it reads more like the spark of something than a finished product and that may in some ways be due to how things are told. There are some good elements that show description and that will help in the future if you go forward with the story.

Prompt: The easy part of the contest is that the prompt tends to be fairly simple. All it takes is fitting a story within the listed prompt. This time, everyone had to do a story in the fantasy genre. That does make some elements easy but then there is almost anything one can write. This story does fit enough in the fantasy genre to qualify for the contest.


Story/Technical Thoughts: You created a pretty interesting story for one that uses dreams. it can be hard sometimes as some readers will tend not to appreciate the dream approach to a story. Though, I do like that we knew it was dreams and not just finding out at the end.

You put a lot within the small word count. However, I do feel that it would read better if you expanded things out and made it into a more complete feeling story. The things she experiences could be expanded, dialogue added and more senses experienced will make things even better.

This might be personal but there is something about this font that plays a little trick on my eyes. There is something about it that makes it almost seem like some of the sections are italic but then it isn't. Though, it would have been good to have thoughts in italics, like the second paragraph. The second and fourth paragraphs are good examples of something that would be useful to have in italic to differ from the others since they are thoughts. Might be difficult with this particular font for it to look different but still, good idea.

I do appreciate the font size. It's something that I forget but need to work on when I post something on here, increasing the font size to make it easier to read.

Final Comments: It's a good idea but, for me, feels like it needs some work. With development this will be quite a story for readers to experience.

Thank you for entering the contest and taking the time to write a fantasy based story during a tough month when many writers are working on novels. I hope you enjoyed the challenge and what you created.


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8
8
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Greetings. Purple Catching Up Author Icon

I am reviewing your story today as part of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+] as I posted in the forum after you. Hope you have enjoyed the challenge and writing for different contests during the week.

Initial Reaction: The title did well in catching my attention and made me curious, wanting to check out the item. The little description not only helps but is easy to relate to for a number of people, I would imagine. Feels very true that weird sounds get amplified at night. People will be entertained by this bit of flash fiction.

Contest/Prompt: It was very easy to tell the prompt even before checking out the contest event though you didn't put details about the prompt at the end of the item. Using the different color for the one line is standard for a prompt that requires that line or phrase be used. The contest is also notorious for those types of prompts. You used it well in a way that made sense, she it didn't come off sounding forced.

Final Notes and Other Thoughts: Overall, I liked the little story. It is kinda cute and funny with the birds. Wanting the street noise at the end is also a little amusing to consider. I enjoyed reading this one.

Just a random little thing, if you worry about word count, at times there are extra words that may not be necessary. An example is: human being. It's valid to use but you could get away with simply saying human. Very minor but in flash fiction, it can help when needed to keep things minimal word count wise.

Nice work. Keep writing!



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9
9
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello, Weirdone-Back in the games Author Icon.

Thank you for taking the time to write this story and entering into my contest, What If, way back for the special WDC Birthday round held in September. I'm sorry for the delay on the review. I appreciated the entry and hope that you had fun with the challenge of the prompts.

First Impression: In some ways, this is both what I expected and also not something expected based on the prompts. I had to check my own prompts since I waited so long to review to refresh my memory for the prompt used in the contest but that was on me, not on the entry. The surprise comes in that it's a more fiction sounding approach, which is what I usually get in the contest since it's geared towards fiction writing. However, the round due to how I worded the prompts seemed to draw more of a nonfiction, personal approach. I did like that you took a sort of fiction style giving Writing Dot Com a personality and character/pov. That made things quite interesting and fun to read.

Prompt: The prompt is easy enough to interpret while not being overly obvious. I mean by this is that I might not know the exact prompt just by reading the story on its own but having it listed at the bottom helps so I can understand after reading what sparked the idea. You did well in using the prompt and that is appreciated.

Other Notes and Final Comments: It is a nice approach with the different story and considering the idea if AI, in this case the site itself, could have its own mind.

I have to admit that I wasn't sure at first when I was reading it over the name chosen. When I saw Alex picked for a name, I wondered in the beginning if that was a good choice considering there is a computer assistant already named Alexa. I have never used them much but have been in houses with clients trying to work their technology and never knew whether I was supposed to be giving commands to Alexa or Siri... It was a little confusing. So, that was where my mind went over the name until I got to the end where you brought in the personal link of the user, weirdone, which is you. Then things clicked.

I did find the little note at the end also entertaining about not worshipping Writing Dot Com. That made things fun too.

Overall, this was an entertaining piece that others on WDC (or Writing Dot Com if want to be specific) will enjoy. I'm glad you took the time to write it and hope that you had fun too.


Thanks for your entry. Keep writing!


Image for contest made by Neko


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10
10
Review of Contest Entries  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi there, Angelica Weatherby- Freezing0* Author Icon.

Thank you for taking the time to enter the different, birthday September round of What If...? and thank you for the patience on the review since I got distracted by novel prep and NaNoWriMo, plus my health stuff. I did appreciate the entry and am glad people attempted the different round with the WDC related prompts.

First Impression: I like the approach taken with the question over what would have happened if WDC didn't exist. You put it up like an essay while bringing in the question/prompt in the first paragraph, which is often a good approach to take to show acknowledgment on a topic. The details in the body help answer what you would think and it does make sense that one could still be a writer but the path may have been more difficult without this kind of site available.

Prompt: This does well in answering the question presented as a prompt. Even without the part where the prompt is discussed in the first paragraph, with the way things are worded in the body of the entry, I would have gotten which one. Still, having it put plain and easy for a reader to find does help.

Other Notes and Final Thoughts: This is a personal essay approach, one that made sense considering the style of prompts provided for the special round focusing on WDC for the site's birthday. While there are probably some ways to get picky, to structure things in a different way that might change the flow or come off with a more professional tone... In the end, for the contest and round, this works well and is one that WDC members can enjoy reading.

I hope that you liked the prompt and challenge from the round way back in September.


Thanks for your entry. Keep writing!


Image for contest made by Neko


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11
11
for entry "Scoville Scale" Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello KingsSideCastle Author Icon

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing and taking part in the year long challenge.

Initial Thoughts: This is fun. I will admit that my first thought with the word scale from the title was music related since that is where my mind goes but then again, I did click ones I remembered what Scoville meant. I've seen a few food shows, including Man vs Food, where he did a few different spice based challenges. I was able to catch on quick enough and overall enjoyed the little eight line poem.

Contest/Prompt: It looks like something that would have done well during the given day or challenge. Having the prompt did help so that I knew the spice aspect was doing in part due to the contest and not just something you added in for the fun. I would imagine that other people have or will enjoy the short poem.

Final Thoughts and Comments: You did a great job in such a short frame, since having to keep limited to the 8 line limit for the challenge entered. One thing I liked is how you used the actual scale, starting off with the ones people tend to handle much easier and moving in heat rating to the end. And there are others beyond that level that seem quite painful to experience. Forget taste, after a certain point the flavor gets drowned by the painful sensation with the bodies reactions to the heat. While I like some spice, like a good Indian curry or something, even I won't dare do the super challenges out of mouth preservation, lol.

Thanks for sharing the poem and the challenge (if you did the food challenge or someone close). Never can tell if it's something fiction or nonfiction. Either way, it is enjoyable.

Have fun and keep writing!



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12
12
Review of The Cow who Voted  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Weirdone-Back in the games Author Icon

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Initial Thoughts: A funny, short poem that has a political note but in a way that is entertaining during the right time for many of us reading to relate. The words of the item reflect the title well and give the reader what they might expect in a quite fitting way for just five lines.


Contest/Prompt: I noticed the prompt when I checked Writer's Cramp for today's prompt. One of the judges is found of the cow prompts, so I can imagine that this little poem went over well. You had some competition since the round had 6 entries, which is a fair amount for a daily prompt. You used the correct title and genre, so all is good there in regards to the prompt and contest.


Form: The contest didn't require a form but you did pick one since you decided to do a limerick. There are a couple of elements that are required with that type of poem, which helps the reader be aware of the fact even without the information being provided. I did appreciate that you put the small note at the bottom so that it had the line count and poem type but I would have recognized the limerick even without that because of how the poem develops. It has the right scheme for a limerick in a way that was easy to follow.


Final Comments: Overall, this is well done. The only suggestion I would really make is to maybe let the reader know the prompt that helped to inspire the item and the contest entered. It's nice to know those details as a reader. I did know them since the contest/activity has to be posted in the I Write forum. However, random readers might like to know about them as well.

I enjoyed this silly little poem and hope that you had fun writing it. Nice job.

Keep writing. *PenG*



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13
13
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi there, ruwth Author Icon.

I am reviewing your entry today in connection with "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+] since I posted in the forum after you. These are just my general thoughts and hope that you are enjoying the challenge.


Initial Reaction: This is fun. It's for an activity that I didn't know anything about. While I'm not a fan of writing about myself, I can see why others would enjoy posting in the forum. You made a really good choice in picking details on the first item you posted. It was a fun little story and I can totally understand where you are coming from with the approach. While I never joined Christian Mingle, many of the sites are similar and I'm with you on needing the right name for an account.


Contest/Prompt: Thank you for sharing the forum by picking this for the entry in week 42. It's fun but also easy because you just have to share something about yourself. Both easy and super hard because there are so many options and ways to approach the prompt. You did well with your decision.


Final Notes and Other Thoughts: Overall, this is an interesting and personal entry that explains a tiny part of your life and place here on WDC, I definitely don't have much to say to change the item since it's explaining something personal about yourself. I do have a couple of things to mention though...

On the technical side there are a few things you could consider if you decide to rework the entry in the future. One thing to maybe consider is whether you are going to share this particular story about yourself in past or present tense. There are some times when it feels like things are being said in past tense but others in the area or same paragraph that are in present tense. It would help for the past "tale" to put things on the same page. After "here is the rest of the story" is where I would make sure to keep things the same and probably past tense since this is a story about something from the past.

This one is very minor but it feels like the wrong form of the word chosen based on the way the sentence is written, however it's hard to tell due to the rest of the entry. This is affected by the previous mention of tense, which will help decide the right option. In the current approach of the sentence, I feel like it should say "I chose my psalm" instead of the current. The sentence in question:
- When I opened my Writing.Com account later, I choose my psalm to be the first item I put in my portfolio.


Nothing too big for this little bit of information but some thing to consider. I know we think about tense and such more with fiction but there are factors to consider even in blog posts and other personal entries produced on here. Nice job keeping up with the challenge of I Write and hopefully you are having fun.


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14
14
Review of Getting Old  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi there, Purple Catching Up Author Icon

I am reviewing your story today as part of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+] since I posted in the forum after you. Thanks for sharing the writing and I hope you had fun with the flash fiction contest that you entered.

Initial Reaction: This is fun. I like the contest that you entered but rarely try because it's far too few words when it comes to my own writing. I have a hard time with a short story, so it's even more of a challenge when you enter things like micro fiction and Drabble type contests. You took the prompt and managed to give us a little something that is entertaining even in such a minimal word count framework.

Contest/Prompt: The prompt was somewhat easy in that you were given a few words to incorporate into the story. You found a good way to use the random words. It didn't feel like they were forced. You managed to get a character focused on a topic that is relatable for many people. Blah to getting older. lol

Final Notes and Other Thoughts: I like how the micro story ends in a lesson learned approach where the information was passed on to the children. It is fun but also a good point. It does help to be prepared for something that might happen. In particular if daredevil excursions are involved.

Well done with this cute micro story that focuses on memories of years gone by in a reflection about getting older.


Keep Writing! *PenV*


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15
15
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with NaNoWriMo Plus  Open in new Window.
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello DRSmith Author Icon.

Thank you for entering What If during the rounds back in August. I appreciated the entry and hope that you enjoyed the challenge of coming up with a story based off the prompts.


First Impression: You have a well written story that shows intelligence and strength in vocabulary. This is something that will really work well for some but there are other readers that will struggle to read the story or build an interest in the characters. It has aspects that grab interest or have potential in the range of the conflict with the variety of character details that are provided but I will admit that I had a difficult time, as a character based reader, to get through things.

Prompt: Thank you for posting the prompt at the bottom to explain how this relates to the contest and the inspiration that helped to influence the story. A day to remember can certainly include a bagel... I might need one tomorrow but that's an odd reaction, lol. Anyways, it worked in regards to the prompt for the contest, which made for a qualifying entry in a round that had 3 entries.

Characters/Story: There is potential in the realm for both, story and characters. You do a good job in adding interesting details about a character without it becoming too much or seeming like a the typical list of features. There are elements that do speak to issues and conflict, which not all writers posting new stories on the site have in their items. So, I did appreciate the issues presented between the mob news story and the walking conversation.

The difficulty I had in the beginning of the story is that it doesn't grab my attention in a way that make me care about a main character. I'm very much a character focused reader/writer, even though I don't do as well in providing details over said characters so I can learn from writers like you on that front. It does seem like Mr. Crippen is the main character but I don't get pulled into his world in enough way to care that much about what is happening. It can be an interesting read just might not be the story for me.


Other Notes: I don't have anything technical to discuss with the story. Nothing glares out or causes a stumble in the reader for spelling, grammar or anything of that nature. As I said before, it's well written. You have a great technical front and possibly could do well in the realm of literary fiction, or that is my guess from this one story.


Thanks for your entry. Keep Writing!


Image for contest made by Neko


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for entry "Weekly" Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello New Year's Sox Author Icon

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+]. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing and I hope that you enjoy the challenge.


Initial Thoughts: This is a nice little poem that focuses on the different week days. The title makes sense in connection with the topic and once I got to see the prompt, I could see the inspiration with how that part was used to create the short poem. It might not be the most philosophical poem but some aspects given to the different days of the week will be relatable to different people that find this one in your book item.

Contest/Prompt: The prompt from the poetry contest was fairly simple to follow. You had specific words that needed to be used within the item. Usually one would make them bold or give a different color, italics or some element to make the word stand out so it's easy for a judge to find. However, I can also see how that might not be necessary in short poetry since it's easy enough to scan the one stanza to find them or even remember reading them once get to the end. This does work well given the prompt.

Any Other Thoughts and Final Comments: Overall, I do think this is a nice little poem that stands out fairly well. I could appreciate how you used the words once I saw them at the end because they didn't come off as forced or thrown in just because they were necessary.

I rarely drink tea, so I don't know about having tea on Tuesday. But now it does make me wish I could find the Mint Magic tea in grocery stores like what my great grandma would sometimes drink at night.

The only thing that maybe felt a little off for me, just in my head, was some of the rhymes. Not that anything was wrong or incorrect in that scheme. Some of them just sounded stronger, like a more solid rhyme compared to others. Even poetry can benefits from a little tweaking or editing like stories even though not everyone goes back to change poems once they get submitted (I'm guilty too).

Anyways, it's a nice poem overall and I did appreciate getting to read how you managed to talk about weekdays in this poetic way. Good job. Keep writing! *PenG*



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Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello 💙 Carly- Hello 2025 Author Icon

I'm reviewing your item in connection with "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+] having posted in the forum following your entry. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Initial Thoughts: Ah the writer's cramp prompt merging into a poem with bovine inspiration. So fun. Then again, I'm originally from Wyoming (so I read it with a slightly different country attitude than mentioned in the item) so could appreciate the funny approach taken with this particular poem.

Contest/Prompt: The contest is a good choice for the challenge since there is a new prompt every day. That also makes it a challenge to write since you only have 24 hours from the time the prompt is posted to create something in time. I would almost guess the judge with this one since sometimes Hooves (a judge) will post a cow based prompt and also writes about them too. I didn't check to see if that was the case as it's more fun to guess. It does look like you did well with using the prompt.

Favorite Part:

We can sashay over, chew our cud
And teach them farm boys
That we cows are much more divine


Final Thoughts: Nice work with this fun, satirical poem that uses cows and a title as inspiration. I will admit that I couldn't figure out the children's books or commercials uses within the poem. Probably didn't help that I was watching the first season of RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars, so all I thought about was Drag Race. I mean, you do mention sashay and there is a performer often referenced called Divine. Though I know that wasn't what you were going for with this one.

I had fun with the poem. I'm not usually keen towards the satire types and I saw enough cows growing up but I was able to really appreciate what you created. Good job!


Keep writing. *PenV*



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18
18
for entry "Extraordinary Find" Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with The WDC Angel Army  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Mousethyme Author Icon

Thank you for entering the What If contest, I was very happy to have entries since the contest had been closed for so long and I wasn't sure anyone would enter if I reopened it. I appreciated you taking the time to create this entry.

First Impression: Interesting approach and choice in the prompt to develop into a story. The life prompt is a good one because there are options for creativity. I liked the approach here with the younger main character that gave a fun, youthful personality. We get the character from the start then you add in the strange situation and her finding out that her parents had kept such a secret from here. It's a good start that could be even better with a little more development.

Prompt: This does work for the signs of life prompt. I am only going to consider that prompt even though in the forum post you did mention the day to remember. The sing of life was the one you listed in the item and the contest rules do specify that only one prompt should be used. So, taking the one prompt into consideration, you created something fun that works well enough to qualify for the round.

Characters/Story: While something alien related is a little expected considering the question of life out in the universe other than just our world. What helps is that you found a different way to describe the sort of cute "alien" in this story and put them with a connection to the main character that won't be expected from the reader.

The main character is also fun and was a great choice for how you started the story, setting things up with just a little bit of words used to help showcase personality. I liked her and the fun that we get to see as she discovers the little secret.

Other Notes: Overall, this is a nice approach. My only issue would be that it does feel a little cut down. I'm not sure if you were worried about timeline or word count but I think that it could be developed even more to make a stronger story. You have some room to write more into this story. You did well in the details that you did add but if there was a little more to show the world and characters, I think that would help. The story at the end gives me a feeling of it not quite being complete. Though I do like the last line as it gives a creepy element. I just get the feeling that there could be more.

Still, it was a good job and approach considering the prompts and contest.


Thank you for the entry in What If. Keep writing!


Image for contest made by Neko


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Review of Move Along  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi there, Purple Catching Up Author Icon.

I get to review your flash fiction story today thanks to "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+] as I posted in the forum after you. It's fun and we are nearing the end of the challenge. I hope you are enjoying the tasks of writing every week too.


Initial Reaction: Ah music inspiration and short sentence prompt combined together well in a very minimal word count. I'm familiar with the contest and it represents quite the challenge since it only allows 300 words to create a story. This is a good example because we get resolution for the "impossible" task presented and just enough of the characters to get a visual that is fun for the reader.

Contest/Prompt: This flash fiction story does well in the approach to the prompt. You managed to get a mostly complete story within the very limited word count and created something that will be interesting for the reader. It also used the "It's impossible" prompt in a way that is interesting and not overly obvious or expected. I'm sure it did well in the round depending on how much competition came in for that day.

Final Notes and Other Thoughts: Overall, this is a fun story. I enjoyed the inspiration and the usage of the prompt from the contest. While I struggle to write anything this small, or even under 2,000 words, I can still appreciate the craft involved in flash fiction. The only thing that maybe could be considered might be the lyric choice at the end. I can't quite pinpoint the exact reason but, for me, it doesn't give the feeling of being the end. I mean, I know we can't show the whole thing and there is the word count limit to consider, but maybe there is another line or maybe it could be as simple as using ... instead of a single punctuation, to indicate the continuation of the song. Just something that I noticed and other readers might not even agree to about the end.

Nice work and good job with making it this far in I Write. Keep on writing and I'll see you around in HSP too. *Smile*




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Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hi there Jeff Author Icon

I get to review your Masquerade item since I posted after you for the "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+]. it is going to be fun this next week to see how many different WDC Bash items will get used for the challenge.

Initial Reaction: Ah, yes. Lara Croft. I have a few memories when it comes to that particular character. I don't remember which gaming system but I do know there was a video game that I enjoyed based off the franchise. Then there are the movies. I've never been that into Angelina Jolie but did appreciate her in the Lara Croft movie. I've also seen a book posted on a reading group where they made a male version of Lara Croft with bootie shorts and everything. That could be interesting, lol.

Contest/Prompt: I will admit that I don't know much about the masquerade. It did sound fun but I already knew my energy levels where going to be tanked, so I didn't investigate into how things were going to go this year. I'm sure it's going to be fun with the variety of characters.

Final Notes and Other Thoughts: This is a nice entry considering the start of the event and the character choices made. I never would have even thought to put together Lara Croft with a guy dressed up like Spider Man. The story/journal is one that is off to a good start. She has a target and we get a peek into what could be coming in the near future. I will have to check out to see what happens next.

Good luck and have fun with the Masquerade and any other Birthday Bash event you decide to enter.



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Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Lizzie Winter's Fairy Author Icon

I noticed you entered the new contest first and wanted to offer a review since it was very kind of you to help one of the newer members from scroll. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Initial Thoughts: This is fun because it's basically a story but done in the poetic form. You took the words offered in the prompt, developing into this poem that could almost rival a children's book with the approach. There are some fun elements, exciting moments and things to draw a reader along through the stanzas.

Contest/Prompt: The contest is fairly simple in the prompt requirement, which is nice to see at times. You just had to use the specific words listed, which you have done along with putting them in bold (as requested) to make them easy to find. The story/poem about the boy battling the robot aliens does a fine job in relation to the contest and prompt.

It is easy to find them but something to consider might be to maybe disperse a word or two into the rest of the poem. There isn't anything wrong with having it all in the first stanza, but another approach you could consider is having them found in other parts (though I do know robot is mentioned later and often but not done in bold so maybe could bold that one instead of the first one).

Will be interesting to see how things go if others enter so there can be voting.

Final Thoughts and Any Suggestions: In general, this is a good job at creating something fun based on the prompt. Even though I'm not one to tell stories through poetry, it's something I can appreciate from others.

The line that kind of gets messed up in my head has to do with the laser in the third stanza. Nothing wrong with how it's written but there are some times when a reader's brain will fill things in or want to shift things based on past experiences. So, when I read about the laser, my brain immediately wants to call it a laser beam as the item, noun, instead of using the word beam as the action. For me, I would adjust to maybe give a descriptive word to the laser beam, then have an action word as a start of the next line, like blast or something of that nature to keep things moving. That is what my mind wants to replace, at least, but others probably won't even notice.

I also was a little uncertain about the characters we get. Like the mom makes sense at the end because the description talks about Tommy as a little boy. However, since most of the poem is focused on the action against the aliens, when we get the name Ann Marie, I am not sure where she came from though I do guess that maybe she is a friend. And the chaotic emotions from her touch make me wonder exactly how little he is to have the reaction but then be focused on the reward of milk and cookies. Though some adults still like milk and cookies... In fact, I do like the ending stanza with the reward.

Nice work and good luck!


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22
Review of Help Us Help YOU!  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Hello there The StoryMaster Author Icon!

Have a fun situation here where clicking on the Read & Review link brought me this article on exposure for WDC. It's origin is from back in 2002 so in a way, this is quite a blast from the past and caught my attention.

Initial Reaction: I haven't seen a column written by you (beyond the tech stuff and all the help site items) in years. Okay, I will be honest. I don't remember that far even though I've been a member on the site since 2005. It is kinda fun and also weird to see an item first created years before even I was a member. It is handy and welcoming to see something like this on the site and also provides a reminder of ways people can help the site.

General Notes and Other Thoughts: This is something I haven't really thought about, at least not in years. Then again, it has been a long time since I've done any off site blogging or anything. I used to be more focused on have a web presence and site to showcasing writing but haven't made publishing progress. It's something I will think about in the future though to have links. I have done some in person promotion when I talk about writing though as I mention this web site when I can do so.

This is a nice article for anyone who really enjoys the site and wants to let others know. It has some good options with the link on a web site but also the sample email, in case they want to send out a promotional email recommending WDC. All of it is good information with a layout that is easy enough to read.

The only thing that I would have like to know or have added would be information on what the article was used for or if it was sent out. I see it's in a folder of editorials but was this something sent out before we did the newsletters or is it set up as part of a section on WDC that others will find. What was the source of inspiration for this piece years ago. And are there some other methods that are more up t date that could be added? I would say maybe TikTok but I feel old and don't understand that one.

Anyways. It was fun to read the article and to do a review for The Storymaster. *Smile*

Have a good day.



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23
23
Review of Mace  Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
In affiliation with I Write  Open in new Window.
Rated: E | (4.5)
Greetings Genipher Author Icon

I am reviewing your story today as part of "I Write in 2024" Open in new Window. [13+] since I posted after you in the forum. As an added bonus, I also entered the same contest and round, which made it fun to see how someone else approached the black cat prompt.

Initial Reaction: Very nice. I have a black cat and a tabby, plus have grown up with having many other cats over the years so I always find enjoyment in reader about other people's pets. The approach with the real story does make sense given the prompt. I also like the names of the cats. Since I work part time as a pet sitter, mostly taking care of cats, I get to meet many different cats with a variety of name choices.

Contest/Prompt: Since the contest allows poems or stories and the prompt only required talking about a black cat finding a home, this definitely qualified for the round. You probably took the better approach with the relatable story about how you got your cats compared to something fully fictional. Though I haven't read the entry that did win, so I could be off base in my thoughts. Either way, it was a good idea.

Final Notes and Other Thoughts: Overall, you did well here. I like the story and had fun thinking about the two cats. It also put me down memory lane when I got my own black kitty, which wasn't as eventful. Well, other than the fact I went to the shelter just to look. Held a black kitten named Janis Joplin (another in the cage was called Judas Priest) and she purred so much her whole body shook. I ended up with 2 cats that day instead of the planned wait for later approach.

My only suggestion would be to maybe do a quick edit/read. I didn't notice much but there are probably a couple adjustments you could make to get a stronger result. Maybe trim off an adverb or two. Whenever I edit, I check for weak phrases and make sure I haven't used the word "just" 10 times in less than 1000 words, for example. Also, in the first paragraph there is a minor typo. It would read better if the cat was going to "live" in the basement instead of "life" unless you rewrite it to maybe say enjoy life in the basement.

Other than that, don't really have anything to point out. It's a nice story with a creative nonfiction approach that people will enjoy. Well done.


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24
24
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello Chico Mahalo Author Icon.

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item after finding it on the random read function here. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Initial Thoughts: The title caught my attention at once. I am a big fan of what you've chosen here with the particular words, how it is not capitalized and even get particular enjoyment at of the reference to "the self" within it. That is a very nice title and the little bit of information will work well to create interest in checking out the poem on your portfolio.

Content: I will admit at this point that I did find the poem/biography to be confusing. However, this is one of those rare times where I also don't it's a bad thing. There are many elements I do like about what is discussed within the item. We get these little tidbits of information about someone who may seem quite strange but also is a girl I would have liked to know. While there are some things I wouldn't have liked or even agreed with, that is okay.

Do they actually do a "bat mitzvah" for an adult? That is one thing that stalled me a little but more because it's not in my background or bank of knowledge.

Form/Structure: The main part where I think things could be adjusted a little would have to be on the technical side and this is based off personal preference. Some people might disagree with my thoughts but it might help to have less space between the lines in the individual stanzas. Keep the space between stanzas though so we know each is a "thought" in a way. I just feel like it might look a little better if adjusted without the double-spacing.

Example is how you have it here:

In high school, she was voted

Most Likely to Underachieve.

And instead, doing it like this:

In high school, she was voted
Most Likely to Underachieve.

Double-spaces can help in essays and such, but could skip it for a poem here. However, if you want to help with readability, perhaps instead adjust the whole thing so the font size is 3.5 or 4 instead of the basic one give by the site. That will help as some people have a harder time reader the slightly smaller fonts.

Final Comments: Nice work with this creative approach. You caught my attention and gave me something to think about. Perhaps I should find ways to interact well with archbishops and historians too.

Keep writing! *PenR*


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25
25
for entry "And again" Open in new Window.
Review by Dawn Embers Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello New Year's Sox Author Icon.

My name is Dawn and I'll be reviewing your item just for fun and I saw it posted in I Write so wanted to check it out. These are just my thoughts and forgive me if I ramble. Thank you for sharing your writing.


Initial Thoughts: This is an interesting short poem given a topic for the prompt and freedom in the form. While I've never been too fond of repetition, there are some times when it makes sense and works, making it easy to see the purpose. The use of the title used as the third line in each stanza is a good example of this. If it was a much longer poem, it might get old seeing the two words but the short approach means it works well.

Contest/Prompt: The contest gave some open elements as the round for this particular entry just had the requirement to write any type of poem about "new beginnings" as shown at the bottom of the item. I appreciated having the prompt so I didn't have to try and find any information from the contest since I knew about the entry.

Final Comments: I have a few random thoughts and things you could consider if you wanted to rework this poem some but it's all just my opinion. I know not everyone edits or rewrites poems once done, so that part is up to whatever you want to do.

While I do like the approach taken to the topic, I do also have to admit that it comes off a little unfinished in my mind. There are some lines that give an impression of being incomplete. A good example would be the middle stanza in the first line. Nothing wrong exactly with it but my brain wants to add one more word. Maybe so it would say something like "so begins" but I also understand that would mess with how all three stanzas start with begin. However, on that note it also looks different since the middle stanza has "begins" and the first and last have "beginnings" but you may have a reason for that.

I was a little unsure of the line about words of a child just born because they don't have words yet. I like the new life concept but there also is a difference in how that part is done as the middle of the poem, though since it's mostly about beginnings with a little mention of ends, maybe there is now "middle" in the concept. I might just be making myself more confused though, lol.

Anyways, this is a nice approach on topics about how things are new and begin. Thank you for sharing. Good luck with the different prompts of the Promptly Poetry Challenge. Keep writing!


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