Hello :)
I'm a big fan of fantasy, which is why I clicked on your story, and it seems almost like a fairytale, though more like the old stories.
First of all, it was a good story, with the two people intertwined: the boy and the nymph.
I liked the fact that the nymph was unkind, and selfish, and the way you referred to her as an "immortal demon" and a "patron saint", because it underlines the paradoxical and dual nature of your story.
You feel sad for the little boy trapped in the cycle of course, but I feel even more sorry for the nymph who can no longer love, though I might not agree that love only replaces loneliness.
I also liked the epilogue at the end, which gives the sort of moral of the story, as if it were in a book, and a wise old man was adding a footnote. I can almost imagine the voice-over at the end of a film, telling us about life.
However there were (as there are in any story) a couple of flaws, notably in the grammar. Your sentences, though I really like the repetitions like "the boy, the boy on the bank", are very long, and you quite often use "and" after a comma in a sentence more than once, so it creates a kind of list of things you want to say, but are quickly strung together instead of flowing, which makes the sentences halting.
Also, you tend to repeat words in a way that doesn't seem to be on purpose, like " it covers one of her eyes. I am glad she doesn’t show both eyes for I don’t think I could stay relatively dry eyed". The word "eye" is repeated three times.
Finally on grammer, sometimes I think your use of punctuation is slightly off, though I couldn't explain why. Again, maybe because the sentences don't flow as well as they should?
The last thing is pretty small: I'm puzzled about the fact that a boy of eleven can fall in love? Maybe he felt compassion, and pity for the nymph, and wanted to take care of her, but I don't think he would love her...
Anyway, all in all, good story, and keep writing!
My review has been submitted to"The Newbies Academy Group" |