Before I get started, I just wanted to remind you that this is all just personal opinion and from one point of view. I'll try to give you some helpful suggestions, but feel free to ignore anything if you don't think it fits with your story. :)
When I start my reviews, I always like to begin with something positive. I enjoyed getting to see the hunter's perspective even though he dies and that kinda bummed me out. While I get an underlying arrogant vibe, I do enjoy the witty relationship between Senator Liddell and Herman.
When it comes to improvements and starting with the first section with the hunter, I'm sure you've heard the phrase "show, don't tell." The excerpt with the hunter seems very much like it's being told to me instead of my actually feeling like I was there. A good way to change this is to try not starting so many sentences with variations of he or his. In his last paragraph, where he's dying, almost every sentence starts with he. Instead of this, use descriptive language such as adjectives to really show me the agony he's in and the torment he feels at letting down the spirits.
Also, that man is dedicated. I don't know if I'd hunt an elk for six hours.
"water and was cantering through the water to the far edge" This was a bit repetitive and I suggest changing it.
When it comes to the Senator's part-are AR-15's used to hunt? I'm not familiar with hunting myself, but my first visual with an AR-15 is something heavy and automatic which wouldn't be used for hunting. Remember that your reader, I guess me in this case, may not know everything about the subject and sometimes you have to explain it to them. I would suggest making the gun a bit more generic, liking simply stating it as a hunting rifle so your readers don't get confused.
"Senator Liddell had been watching the entire time and was very curious at what they had found." This right here is a prime example of telling a story. Show me that he's curious instead. Since this is third person limited, I'm already technically inside the Senator's head and I know he's been watching them. Say something instead like "Scrunching his eyebrows together, curiosity overtook the Senator. What had they found?"
In order to make dialogue a little easier, I would suggest giving the bodyguards names. Because they both supposedly look similar, it's easy to get lost at who's performing what action and speaking at what time.
Overall, this is has a foundation for something bigger and I'm interested to see where it goes! Sorry for such a long review; I just like to be thorough. :)
When I start my reviews, I always like to start off with something positive. This section here is definitely action packed and your characters are very realistic. If I just got attacked by a zombie, I would also be screaming for my life.
When it comes to improvements, the first place I think you should start is definitely formatting. The excerpt (from what I think will become a larger piece) is written as one big blob and that can be really difficult to read. It will become a lot more organized once you separate this chunk, and the easiest way to do that is to start with the dialogue. Find a good article online about how you should format dialogue and follow those rules-I'm sure there might even be good resources on this site.
Second, be sure to thoroughly edit your piece when it comes to punctuation. There were hardly any periods and your story feels like one big run-on. There are also many places missing commas which add to feeling like a run-on. So in general, just proofread the whole thing. I suggest finding a site that will help you edit your writing.
When it comes to actual story content, it's pretty good. Personally, I would make the last word a bit more dramatic by adding a line of space to separate it from the piece and it stands out alone. I would also italicize it for the dramatic effect.
Overall, this story has a lot of potential to become something more!
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