Hi there,
Here's my disclaimer: I'm not an editor. I like to think that I know a fair amount about the mechanics of writing, but if you have questions about anything I mention, please feel free to look it up and correct me if I'm wrong.
Story:
This story was dark, clearly. I like that. You set the tone extremely well with the way you setup your sentences and the words you chose. Things like "... for a hit of blow and a couple bills," really pull the reader into the disconnected mindset of Luther Alvarez. You chose to hop the viewpoint between Natalie and Luther instead of using dialogue to give us an idea of her feelings, which I actually think you did really well. The glimpse into her head was pivotal in understanding the relationship between them. Your characters were well developed in the short amount of time we had to get to know them.
Overall, the story and writing were both very good. Well done.
Technical Difficulties:
drunk, and cheated on his wife
--no comma necessary. Commas preceding conjunctions like this are only necessary if what follows the conjunction is a complete sentence or the end of a list of 3 or more things.
EX. "He did the crime, and he got what he deserved." or "I need 2 ducks, 8 trash cans, and a baseball."
stripers -- strippers
no touching -- hyphenate this. It's a compound modifier, meaning that both of the words together modify the following word: no-touching rule.
piss stinking -- again: piss-stinking
women was -- woman
women since -- woman
since he’d told that great big lie; I do. -- The semicolon should be a colon.
toilets -- toilet's. Or: general area of the toilet
was less then what he would feel heart when he heard it
-- less than. And did you mean: he would feel IN HIS heart?
There Luther was; content and alone in the dark,
-- Use a comma instead of the semicolon here. Semicolons are typically used to link two related INDEPENDENT clauses, meaning that they could stand on their own.
after he climbed into bed with his wife, and fell asleep wearing his shoes.
-- Another unnecessary comma.
Or the first time Luther had cheated on.
-- cheated on HER.
And in one of those tear chocked declarations of repentance; Natalie had lost her resolve to leave him.
-- tear-choked. Also, the semicolon should be a comma here as well. "And in one of those tear-choked declarations of repentance" is not an independent clause. I had the same problem until recently; I also used semicolons incorrectly. =)
It was now Sunday and his day off.
-- For whatever reason, the use of "now" in this sentence, just coming out of "Luther slept right through the next day" makes me think that he came home drunk Friday night, passed out, slept through all of Saturday, and didn't wake up until 8p.m. on Sunday night. Is that what you're saying? 39 hours of straight sleep seems a bit extreme. And coming off of that much drinking, I would be surprised not to hear about his wetting the bed.
He looked around and didn’t think it strange that Natalie was nowhere in sight, the sun was on it’s way down and it was almost eight p.m.; she could be anywhere, even downstairs watching the television.
-- Few things here. That first comma is incorrect. It's separating two complete sentences so it should be a period or a semicolon. A semicolon would work here since this sentence directly explains the conclusions of the previous one: that it isn't surprising Natalie is nowhere in sight. "it's" should be "its." the apostrophe is only used as a contraction for "it is" whereas "its" (without the apostrophe) is exclusively used for possession. A comma is required with the conjunction "and" to separate the two independent clauses "the sun is on its way down" and "it was almost 8p.m.," and I would reverse the two. "It was almost 8p.m., and the sun was on its way down." has a nicer ring to it. Finally, this use of "even" implies something out of the ordinary: she could even be on the moon for all I know. Consider using a different word here, since watching television doesn't seem like an abnormal thing for her to be doing.
But as Luther got out of bed his eyes fell to a note taped to the bathroom mirror.
-- Comma after bed. Commas separate a dependent clause from the independent clause when the dependent clause comes first.
Opening dependent clause: "After he got out of bed, he checked his watch."
No opening dependent clause: "He checked his watch after he got out of bed."
It was unlike Natalie to leave notes like that, she had always left her notices on the refrigerator, and so Luther felt some trepidation
-- This is a perfect place for a semicolon instead of that first comma. Then change the second comma to a period. You can still begin the following sentence with "And" as in "It was unlike Natalie to leave notes like that; she had always left her notices on the refrigerator. And so Luther felt some trepidation ..."
and so Luther felt some trepidation as he got out of the bed on wobbly morning legs and walked to the bathroom mirror.
-- I would reword this to exclude "as" since you begin the next sentence with it. "And so it was with some trepidation that Luther got out of the bed on wobbly morning legs and walked to the bathroom mirror."
As he crossed the bedroom his eyes happened upon the walk-in closet on the other side of the room, and he understood at once what would be written on the note.
-- Again, you're leading with a dependent clause so place a comma after bedroom. Change the comma after room to a period and drop the "and" to create a short sentence that will stick with the reader at the end of the paragraph.
He stood still for a moment, and after allowing what he knew in his heart to make it to his mind Luther let out a deep sigh and tasted the vile sting of the booze on his breath.
-- Consider rewording "what he knew in his heart." When we hear this phrase we have certain expectations about what will follow since it has often been used in a different way. We think "he did what he knew in his heart was the right thing." Also, comma after mind.
Natalie was not here to bargain with and the simple ...
-- Comma after with.
But in the note there was no fight. No name calling, not demands or chastening, and no accusations ...
-- Comma after the leading dependent clause "But in the note," and change the other commas to periods to continue the short punchy sentences.
Luther put the phone with which he intended to call Brittany back into it cradle and looked back at the note.
-- "with which he intended to call Brittany" is acting as a parenthesis so it should be separated off by commas, dashes, or parentheses. Also, "it" should be "its"
As he passed the kitchen table Luther put his hand out and carelessly seized a chair and dragged it behind him, chair legs screeching along the tiles as he slowly walked to a room just passed the dining room.
-- Comma after table. Also, and this is mainly a question of style, I think that these sentences (this one and the one preceding it.) sound better with more commas and less "and"'s. For instance: "Luther put his hand out, carelessly seized a chair, and dragged it behind him ..." and "He reached up, took down a bottle of whiskey, and headed towards the dining room."
Summary:
You clearly have a decent vocabulary, and most of the mechanical errors in this piece were of the same variety. Study up on semicolon and comma use, and you'll be a much stronger writer. I hope this helps!
Sincerely,
-Scott |
|
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
