I think you have the ability and the scope to take these characters anywhere you want to. The both sound interesting, especially David. Hopefully he will become a character your readers love to hate. Your writing seems smooth and well edited with good use of varied vocabulary. If I were you, I would get writing
I like the POV you write in, being a fellow Londoner I can relate to well. The chapter was well structured in chronological order but there was a lot of unnecessary clutter slowing it down. Some of which could easily be axed without taking anything from the storyline, ie
[As I said mate, my names Charlie, what yours?’ - This was my first retort to a stupid question and my first real encounter with the Law. I won’t lie, my heart pounded, I stuttered slightly and may have wobbled under questioning, but the main emotion I walked away with on another sunny day in South London was untapped excitement.] - This is all you need for starters. The POV is strong here and sets the pace. It gives us an insight to what Charlie is about and sparks our interest enough to want to find out more, but information dumps like this, [(Old Bill, Gavvers, Filth) or whatever slang you used for ‘The Metropolitan Police Force’ in your given manor.] - can have the opposite effect. It slows the reader down and their attention starts to wander.
[Back in the day, if the South London Press reported a gun related crime it rocked the whole of the estate] - same here. [where we grew up,] is spoon feeding your audience and can detract from the point you're trying to make.
I also noticed a few inconsistencies in the pov. An example of that is here:
[Talking of the Old Bill, & Shooters are ten-a-penny ] - are consistent with the opening paragraph and in-keeping with Charlie's character.
[John the Landlord would guide the phones handset to the appropriate requirement.] - Where as this sentence has a different voice. I found myself skimming over most of this section, as all we really need to know is that Charlie drinks in the same pub as the local mob. The fact It's in the middle of a council estate in South London and serves kids, 'shows' us what kind of place it is without needing to be 'told.' - if that makes sense.
I liked the ref to the decks and Frankie Knuckles, but once again the description of the equipment was far too long. Only a DJ would share your enthusiasm, which means you're restricting your target audience. I also wondered if a 15 year lad full of testosterone would really give much thought to the weather and the time of year. The magnification of glory sounded like it came from the author's perspective rather than Charlie's, you know what I mean.
[‘Turn it down you asshole, its fucking double early!’ - This request came via my rather bleary eyed big brother Jason. ‘I’ve only been a kip about an hour, you fucking donut. ] - This is a fine example of 'show' rather than tell. I could just picture Jason with his boxers stuck up his arse. The dialogue here was smooth and crisp, but I would be inclined to get rid of [he continued his early morning greeting] - The speech tag serves no purpose as it's obvious he continued by his next line.
Aside from the nits, I found it a really enjoyable read. I like Charlie's character and the way his first encounter with the law shaped his life. I think you have a strong storyline with authentic dialogue that brings your characters to life. I hope you're not offended by my suggestions. I am no expert, I just speak as I find
Please take what you will from it and disregard anything you don't agree with!
ps, this line made me chuckle, [cunts in disguise] ROFL
This is a well written story but it would be much stronger id you used less tell instead of show. For ease of on-line reading it would help to double space between paragraphs and each line of dialogue. Also over use of words such as 'had' 'was' 'that' etx can weaken the story and leave the reader feeling remote from the action.
This is a great little short story it is well written well edited and held my attention right through. You capture the feelings of an abused woman well, and I especially liked the way you gave this character a background by mentioning that her own father made all the decisions and therefore she was conditioned to believe that this must be right.
This is a very good poem, I liked it very much. It is short and sweet, and to the point which gives it a stronger impact. It has a good rhythm and flows well.
Thank you for posting this draft. I found the information useful and interesting to know. I will certainly heed your advice in this short well written and well structured little post. The clear concise way you have laid out the instructions is easy to follow and inspires the reader.
The long speech tags after every sentence are slowing your work down and making it hard to engage with the characters. We don't particularly need to know about the blob of ketchup on his plate or how he drinks his coffee. Instead of adding authenticity to the story it jerks the reader away from the actual storyline and makes it hard to engage with the characters.
[As he walked up the familiar street the memories began to flood his mind once again, this time taking him to that lonely summer just after High School graduation.] - This sentence and the rest of your writing exist on pure telling.
[memories flooded his mind,] - is less passive and strengthens the writing. this rule applies throughout.
This story is well written and grammatically sound with no major spelling or grammar errors but it consists entirely of telling and makes it very difficult to engage with the characters or even care what happens to them. Your opening lines are uninspiring and give the reader a good indication of what to expect from the rest of the story. Once I got about a third of the way through I found myself wondering what the issue was between them which is good as it kept me reading to find out, but when I got to unravel the mystery I was quite disappointed as there was nothing new, or exciting about the punch line. I don't know what to suggest on how you can improve this piece, really, apart from giving us a bit more show and inject a bit of originality in to the characters to bring them alive.
This is a well written and well presented poem, the stanzas are evenly balanced and the poem flows well. the rhyme scheme is good and the poem has a good rhythm and metre. the words are deep and meaningful and the poem is easy to understand. The only line i felt was a little forced was this one
[Waiting hungrily for the end of my story] - apart from that it was great.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/goldwell
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 11:27pm on Nov 23, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
