This is an excellent raffle. Have attached 900 gp for 3 tickets.
Thanks for letting me know about it. Only suggestion I can offer is that possible telling how to send gp. New members sometimes get a bit confused about this. Yep, I know, I am guilty of the same too. lol
This is a fantastic story. Nice idea of using such an everyday process with the conveyor belt. Definitely gave me a few giggles. I liked the way Pretty handled herself.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar Comments:
No suggestions here. Well done!
Other Comments/Suggestions:
What else can I say. This is an excellent story. Will here more about the adventures of Pretty?
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You have a wonderful ability for description. My only suggestion is that the over-long sentences tend to detract from the story. I have made a few suggestions below. By alternating long and short sentences, this will allow the story to flow better. Shorter sentences increase the pace, and the longer sentences slow it down. Inserted at the right points, will have the reader, reading on the edge of their seat.
Punctuation/Spelling/Grammar Comments:
2nd para
I am amongst a mob in motion, motion in mute, motion of tired, monotonous, heavy feet. In my front human backs; on either side profiles; and bellow, endless sets of feet. Suggest –
I am amongst a mob in motion. Motion in mute, motion of tired, monotonous, heavy feet. In my front, human backs. On either side, profile and below, endless sets of feet.
I have spent hours (days perhaps?) looking at the side walls as we slowly proceed; desperate for an opening, struggling to balance my attention between the walls and being on the move, for I am conscious of the ruthless crowd behind me. Suggest –
I have spent houts, days perhaps, looking at the walls as we slowly proceed. Desperate for an opening, I struggle to balance my attention between the walls and being on the move. I am ever conscious of the ruthless crowd behind me.
Other Comments/Suggestions:
I really enjoyed this story and feel it has a lot of potential. The suggestions above are just a few, and if worked through the rest of the story, I would then feel it would be close to a 5 star rating.
Thank you for sharing.
Helen
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This is a beautiful poem and manages to capture a snapshot of winter.
I am not familiar with poetry from, but I like the way that it has flowed. 1st stanza sets the scene, 2nd stanza - ground, 3rd stanza - air, 4th stanza water and the final line/stanza ties it all together.
Villanelle Form - You held the form together well the whole way through until the end. In the last stanza, the last 2 lines need to be the same as those repeated earlier. Well done.
Prompt - Yes, family favourite, this poem describes a small child?
Overall - Well done, I really enjoyed this poem. Only suggestion was in relation to the last 2 lines in the last stanza.
Plot - It is a poignant snapshot of a relationship. Is it a new one? Very nicely done, you have captured the emotions from the man's pov. His sense of excitement and anticipation to be in her company.
Character - We get to know him very well, or at least his emotions regarding this woman. Does he have a name?
Prompt - Yes you could see the prompt - something special about you. Nicely done.
Overall, I enjoyed this story, but felt it was a bit short. As I said before it is more just a snapshot. Would have liked to maybe see where their date went. Does she live up to his expectations? Does she return his feelings?
I like the way your story is developing. Definately an intriguing start to the novel.
Plot:
You manage to pull the reader straight in with the man not knowing how he got to that spot. The fact that he notices discrepancies ie the air is fresher, gets the reader thinking straight up.
Characters:
You refer to your main character as 'he'. At times the pov changes. It seems that the story is being told from the characters pov and then it changes to the third-person.
Myself I like to identify and get close to the characters. What is his name? Does he know it? He seems to remember a lot of his past, so I assume he knows who he is. Suggest get more personal with the character, call him John or whatever.
General Comments:
Just a few suggestions below. I found sometimes the story seemed a bit heavy, but it has definately got a lot of potential. I can see that you could take this novel in many directions.
Well Done.
Suggestions:
1st Para - Mixture of tense - Suggest
Raising his head, thick blond strands whipping across his green eyes, John could smell a hint of snow in the air. This, and the migrating herds of animals he had seen in the past few days confirmed that the season was late fall. Describe, show and tell
This is just one example. Obviously, you might have a different picture of your character. Ask your character as many questions as you can think of. The blend these answers into the story.
I enjoyed this chapter, and I look forward to seeing what you do with it.
You have a very strong ability to get your message across. The depth of emotion you have on this subject comes through clearly in the written word.
Just a few suggestions -
1st Para -
They open our hearts, (no comma) and we open our doors. Also noticed each sentence in this para begins with 'they'. Suggest maybe rearranging the structure of each sentence
2nd Para -
Maybe it is the mess, the lack of interest, (no comma or the work, (new sentence)butWewe decide just like that, with a snap of our fingers, we decide we don’t want that “problem” anymore.
3rd Para -
You take off and continue on happy that thatthe animal is no longer there to mess up your life. However(comma) not all the animals that go to the SPCA or an adoption program have a happy end. Most of the animals{c:red{ (comma) particularly cats and dogs (comma) aren’t lucky enough to ever be placed into a proper home. Most don’t go to an adoption program (comma) but instead they go to the pound.
4th Para -
Often most of the homeless animals die horrible deaths, plagued with fleas that eat them alive; (new sentence) Theytheystavestarve to death unable to fend for themselves.
5th Para -
Their fate, their lives are in our hands and we turn aroundround and murder them!
I enjoyed the telling of the story as a remembered moment. Well Done. Just a few suggestions below:
Spelling/punctuation is in red
Suggestions are in blue
2nd Para:
Previous sentence finished with 'in the group' suggest In the group,Hhe wasn't the most well liked,}c:blue}(no comma) as he was younger,. He was more artistically inclined (no brackets)(as a lot of Phils have a tendency to be),(no comma) and in ways still was a child.
4th Para:
It was towards the end of my stay in New Jersey, early August, when it was time for our trip to Baltimore. Suggest rewording it
It was time for out trip to Baltimore in August as it neared the end of my stay in New Jersey.
Para beginning ' To be honest, I had fun ...'
... broiling summer atin the city by the bay.
Generally, I found that there was an overuse of brackets and commas. Maybe, try finding a way of rewording the sentences as in the examples above. This will make the story flow better.
An excellent start on your novel. You have a few good elements already present to snare the reader.
Introduction of characters – Gwendolyn, troll like creatures, Pytre (captain of the guards) and the guardsmen.
A few mysteries/questions already – guardsman who caught on fire, why did the prostitute kill the guardsman, trolls (appearance in the first chapter signify something interesting)
Just a few suggestions:
Some of your sentences and paragraphs seem a bit long.
Para beginning ‘Trolls, thought Gwendolyn …’
New Para at ‘The experiment failed …’
Would also suggest a brief history about what happened re the Great War or what happened after to make society as it is today. Something to link then to now – since you have introduced the trolls at this point.
I am enjoying this chapter and look forward to reading more.
A very interesting concept seeing adult politics and issues with children’s cartoons shows. Although they are meant for children, I am sure there is the child in all of us who enjoy them.
Just a few suggestions regarding sentence structure
Para beginning with ‘Him's outfit choice may …’
He is outstandingly feminine, isin the most glorious way.
Para beginning with ‘His black high heels …’
Suggest - His black high heels climb nearly up to his thighs, where a pink fur and a red dress cover up his the top of his legs and the torso. The last part of this sentence doesn’t really work.
Each sentence starts with ‘his’ suggest maybe –
Suggest for the rest of the para - ‘His red face matches the dress…’ suggest ‘Matching the dress, his red face …’
Topping off the pink fur on his head and Cheshire cat smile, are a goatee and lobster claws. Standing out in the rush are his bright green beautiful eyes. An angel come down to earth.
Para beginning with ‘Him is not only helping …’
‘He's very powerful, and can get ahead in life {x]a as well as any person!
Para beginning with ‘Most people would say ..’
“Isn’t a bad influence ‘Him’ sets.” suggest “’Him’ is a bad influence.”
You have picked an interesting topic for this essay. While I can see your points regarding the character “Him” in the Powerpuffs, I believe that this essay would benefit from a more broader data base. I suggest possibly taking characters from 2 or more cartoons and then comparing the underlying messages between them.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read your work.
I liked the way you introduced the character, as he arrived home from a night out. He was glad that studies were over and excited about a new life starting. The way you introduced his shock and fright with finding himself blind at the start of this new life was well done.
Just a few suggestions:
1st Para
‘No longer would school stand as an obstacle that we were challenged to surmount.’ I find the word ‘surmount’ a bit harsh, suggest maybe (overcome or conquer)
Para beginning with ‘Before lying down …’
I shut off the lights in my room and made sure the blinds were closed as to ensure that the sunlight would not interrupt my sleep early the next morning.
Para beginning with ‘I forced myself to climb out … ‘
Nearly every sentence begins with ‘I’ - suggest changing the beginning
eg. ‘I gathered up some clothes..’ Gathering up some clothes ..
‘I again lay down on my bed …’ Again laying down on my bed ..
‘I needed to leave… ‘ Needing to leave, I …
‘I found my cellphone…’ Finding my cellphone, I ..
There seems to be a big gap in time/space between the para beginning with ‘She took my hand …’ and the para ‘For me that was the scariest….’. It just seems a bit of a jump to end with the results being that he was only blind for a day.
Suggest maybe a transition paragraph be inserted here. to allow the story to flow better of this part. Overall I enjoyed this story.
I liked your story line although you could flesh it out a bit more or turn it into a novel. There could be any number of things that could happen along the way to make it very interesting.
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