The story had what it takes to make ones heart beat faster! The layout made it easy to read and the whole story was as simple as can be but well thought out. The suspense built up really well and the surprise ending was great.
Even though it is a short story, I would have been more satisfied to have some descriptions of the characters....then we could have visualized them in that scary place!
Well goodness, goodness, this was certainly a unique read. The viewpoint of such a, "higher spirit" being projected was something I would find difficult to write. I salute you for the excellent job of putting yourself in those shoes.
The ending confuses me a bit, although I do get confused easily! Would you explain it? Of course, I understand the pain, anger, and feeling of no emotional control the speaker had but what was the outcome of it?
Was the outcome just a wondering of how, "I" (the speaker) who remembers, can have such continued feelings? I understand the last sentence was to emphasis what emotions, "he," caused in the speaker but I had to read sentence several times before it became clear to me what was being said.
Probably, this is just the way I read it, but I think that if the, "he," in that last sentence was identified (not just as "he") the sentence would be easier to understand.
Was it actually just the, "he," that caused the powerful feelings? I felt it was all those involved with him, the choices they made which caused all the pain for him and for the, "higher being."
That is why the last sentence confused me. The, "he," and then following closly, "ONE being unused to such powerful feelings,"--just made it unclear for me!
Write for life,
Cheerio,
Pat
You have written about your loss with exqusite detail. I could feel every emotion as you experienced in your story.
I did not have the closeness with a Father such as you have described. It was wonderful reading of this relationship and how you have brought it into your own family with appreciation for what you had.
There was one part at the beginning of the story where maybe adding the words, "I asked," would clarify who was speaking. Where is he now?" ”He's in the ambulance" "Where is Mom?" "Outside standing in the driveway." I read it twice before realizing, "Where is he now?" was asked by you. It was easy to work out though since there was only you and your sister speaking!
I've often wondered if I want to go to my Father or Mother's funerals. Have always thought I'd rather remember loved ones as they were and as you pointed out a funeral is for the living. After reading your story I realize there could be benefits. I am still thinking about it and wonder if I'll make a decision before I have to. Thank you for sharing this wonderful story.
That was a spooky one! "Dark," was throughout it...not just in his words, thoughts, actions but also in material things like the inside of his multicolored coat and black balloons.
A little typo here, "he had caused, and pointy his."
I liked the idea of having something inside like a worm in an apple...some things to seem always to be eating away inside and this must be major part of unbalance. Great story from beginning to end.
Boy, oh, boy, you sure know how to capture the reader's interest.
Some really deep thinking and feelings are expressed extremely well, so well I certainly recognized them in myself.
I wished, as I read the last verses that there was another way for the person to let the pain go, let the person causing the pain go, without dying for it!
Whew! I thought, as this story first began, that it would be one of those comfy warm stories with a happy ending. I love old homes, old photos, and the family history and mysteries one can sometimes find.
I feel a little uncomfortable giving a review to someone such as yourself because I've written so little myself.
Hope I'll be able to describe things as well as you do one day. Yeah, I know I'll have to write, write, write, before that will happen.
Even if you didn't provide a happy ending, one can't dispute your story's ending was perfect. I enjoyed reading your story so much that I just had to let you know.
I will have to practice and write for life as you do.
Pat
I think you must have a purpose for ending your short story the way you did. Are we suppose to guess your purpose or make our own ending?
Are you stating at the end that the girls life is wasted by just being a good wife and continue to heal?
Are you stating it is good that she has such goals because she can be happy with her life with what she has?
Are you telling us we should be happy with what we have?
I think you must have a purpose for ending your story the way you did. Your descriptions were beautiful. It didn't seem finished to me. This may be a story in its simplist form but I am still waiting for the story.
Loved your Poem and how it related sound,light and dreams. Reading it reminded me of a process that works with meditation...focusing inward, listening and watching what comes up...one hears no sounds then!
A meditation unto itself, this poem. Wonderful work.
Seems to me every detail was covered in this exciting, attention holding story of yours! Yep, of course it was right from the start, and it ended very nicly too with both guys being OK.
The relationship of the men also put quite a twist in the story. You did that really well from beginning to end both characters were like people we would know. This story was well written and I enjoyed every second of it!
Your writing was remarkable in the way you brought out your subject of grieving by looking through your purse. All the memories right there in your hand so to speak.
I throughly enjoyed your journey, your writing, and the fact that you utilized the bus ticket as a means to travel and grow. Thank you for sharing.
Very dramatic and expressive. I found it hard to relate to your subject but this has nothing to with the way you have written this poem. I found it well written but not relaying enough except the longing to die. Perhaps that is enough for what you wanted the poem to say. You have talant to write about such deep subjects.
Hey! Really enjoyed reading about the way you sucked your brother in! Well written and good style too. I had to look up Madlibs as didn't even know what they were--my learning for the day. You took something so simple and made it into a story to enclude all the good things about WDC and that was just great. Good Job, Supacalifragilisticxpdocious
Thought provoking poem which flows along nicly and ends well. Bet you meant, "that is never kind," instead of, "In this world that in never kind," You have an attractive way with words. Hope to read more as I can.
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