From the Breach, Ch. 1.
Hi again! Sorry if this is coming to you a bit late. Busy Sat today. But I’ve read your first chapter and am ready to give it a go. Again, just keep in mind I’m just some dude off the net who enjoys long walks on the beach and reading novels. None of it means that I actually know anything. But if any of what I add here helps you with your story, then awesome sauce. Here we go:)
Opening line and/or paragraph pull you in to read more?
At the beginning of a novel, you have at most a paragraph to pull the reader in. You do a pretty good job here I think. Bringing in the tension of the wolves is a good idea, perhaps start with that before describing Bran’s horses? Wolves = danger, danger = conflict. So maybe start with Bran looking around for wolves. Then you can tell why (his neighbor’s advice) and jump into describing the scene with the horse's nervousness. But it is a good start.
Storyline / Theme
Bran is running from Krassos, a despot if there ever was one. While on the road, he is accosted by three ruffians. Did Krassos send them? They see the dragons on Bran’s hands and it seems to have meaning to them, they were indeed looking for Bran. However, before they can truly get to whatever business they have with Bran, the three marauders are shot down by Fald. After a misunderstanding, Bran and Fald seem to be coming to terms with each other until they are again attacked by a man on a horse. Bran and Fald seem to fight off the attacker but then, the attacker vanishes. Fald offers Bran safe haven with King Den.
I want to add here that this is a great start to the book overall. There’s action and intrigue, why is Bran running? What was he guarding, dragons? Where’s his dad? All good questions and a good storyline to follow for your first chapter. Well done.
Characters:
Bran: A man on the road, apparently he used to be a guard. Woolen clothes and a blond shaggy beard. Dragon (tattoos? Birthmarks?) on his hands which holds some significance. Great detail on that one by the way. But: I have no idea how old Bran is. The beard implies that he’s at least 20, 25 maybe. But he could also be 40 and no graying has occurred? It would help to picture the main character here with a hint of his age. Young man, old man, seen many summers or too few? Has he any experience with these types of winters, or just a little bit? Hinting at his age would help connect me to the character. He is, after all, the dude we all want to root for.
Three marauders: I think you have an opportunity here with these three. There are only a little descriptions about them, one is shorter, but they pretty much remain shadows to the reader's mind. First, give them names, even if they are going to be killed in a minute. Or at least one of them. You can drop in in the dialog while they talk to each other. I thought the dialog was pretty good though, just want to mention that. Didn’t seem stiff, so well done on that. Maybe describe them as Bran sees them, using all of his senses. Maybe the short one smells of the local weed that ruffians like to chew, maybe the first one’s voice seems filled with rocks. Those kinds of details help build the world and you can do it seamlessly I think. For example: “but the meaner looking…” How was he meaner looking? Perhaps he has a scar running over the corner of an eye that looks like a dragon talon made it? Go through that part again and see if you can flesh them out and world build at the same time.
Fald: Old man, gray beard, an archer who has a scowl, guff voice. I like the old man, I can fit him in my mind easier. I’m assuming we learn more about him later but I think this is a pretty good start to this character. He has some depth and I can wait to get to it.
Man on Horse: Tall steel helmet, armored. What kind of armor. Is it new, dented, is there a logo on it. Same for the horse. I know he’s only there for a short time but this guy plays a little bit bigger role, he is going to tell K man about Bran and Fald. Add a short detail somewhere in his action scene as Bran is looking at him.
Writing Style/ Narrative Voice:
I like the narrator’s voice here. It’s informative, but not overly so. The action is well paced out, excellently actually. I didn’t get bored reading it and that’s awesome. Keep it up, style and voice are good.
Setting/Scene
So Bran is riding somewhere and it’s winter. There is snow falling and it’s cold. There is snow on the ground and also some ice. But what I don’t know is this:
What time of day is it, what is the position of the sun? He’s on a road, but what kind? Bumpy, well traveled? You do a pretty good job of dropping some scene in so see if you can clarify it. Clarity is a huge one with me and my own writing. There is a treeline somewhere, which would imply some sort of road out in the open, are there wagon wheel ruts that the horse can easily follow? If you can clear up the scene a little bit, make it pop unobtrusively, it will help me with the action that is soon to come. You did a good job of showing me it’s snowing by how flakes get caught in a beard. It’s cold by the clothes the characters are wearing. But what kind of terrain are we actually dealing with? Mountains? Flatlands? A combination of the two? Maybe just a forrest?
Descriptions:
Add a few details about the wagon, maybe the type of bow, things like that. Some of the descriptions are excellent but some are short. You can always cut later if you get to wordy and just keep the good stuff. Also, is there a poof when the guy riding the horse disappears, is there no sound at all? I’m just pointing out places that may help the reader develop a better sense of scene here.
Emotional Reaction
I’m rooting for Bran, the runaway who has intrigue and who has apparently lost his father. Good stuff. The pacing was great. Well done.
Did the ending seem realistic? Did it leave you satisfied?
Great ending for this chapter. Intrigue and a direction. Should easily connect to the next scene. Wouldn’t change a thing about it.
Favorite part
“whinnied nervously as their hooves crunched down the snow covered road”--great bit at the beginning showing me it’s cold and snowing.
“He had to be careful, his boots were designed for walking on ice, but he nearly slipped” another great show that it’s icy out.
“Though his face was covered, Branston was sure the rider was stunned by the way he stood and looked around.” Great job of showing the riders emotion through his behavior. That’s tough so well done.
What do you think they could improve on, and let them know why you think that. If you can, provide specific examples or explanations for your views.
The three men: Where were they hiding so that Bran didn’t notice them? Adding clarity to the scene description would help. It’s hard for me to imagine 3 men being able to walk up unnoticed on a guy on a road with 50 yards between the treeline and the road. But maybe it isn’t that far? Maybe the road is bordered by large fir trees, oaks of amazing size that cast long shadows, giving the three ruffians ample hiding places. I don’t know, but it bothered me that Bran was looking for wolves and didn’t see three men anywhere near him. C’mon Bran, you are better than that. He is already on the lookout for something and I refuse to believe he is a terrible lookout. Or maybe he is and that’s why he left the guard?
“The man behind Branston slammed into him and fell backwards…” This part is a bit confusing as slamming into someone usually implies forward momentum. So if he’s going forward, why fall backwards? Shouldn’t he fall forward, or at least to the side after falling forward onto Bran since he just got shot?
“his teeth chomped through his tongue…” Makes me think Bran bit his tongue his teeth chomped through his tongue off. Maybe change it to “bit into his tongue” instead of through.
“Branston squirmed as hard as he could” You could lose this line as the next line shows how he is hard he is trying. Second line is better.
“The dragons broke out again…” You have an opportunity to world build with this statement. Maybe Fald says the Horned ThunderSkies took off first, or maybe something of that nature. Just hint at that there may be different breeds and types of dragons. Or maybe there’s not, all are just Dragons. But you can foreshadow that kind of thing here and also connect your reader to your world a little bit stronger.
“ Faldashir cursed. "He's armored…” As Bran and Fald describe him as wearing a tall steel helmet, this statement seems a little out of place and there shouldn’t be any surprise from Fald. If he is the older, wiser gentleman he comes across as then he should already know he’s armored.
Final thoughts;
Really great first chapter to the story. Plenty of conflict, a crisis, and some pretty good hints at the world Bran lives in. Flesh it out a bit more, give it some meat. I read through the first time and it didn’t bog down, it didn’t lose me and it kept my interest. The ending made me want to read the next chapter, for sure. Good job. The second time I read through it I paid more attention to some of the detail that wasn’t there. There’s places for it though, it's a good skeleton to build upon.
From the Breach, Ch. 1.
Hi again! Sorry if this is coming to you a bit late. Busy Sat today. But I’ve read your first chapter and am ready to give it a go. Again, just keep in mind I’m just some dude off the net who enjoys long walks on the beach and reading novels. None of it means that I actually know anything. But if any of what I add here helps you with your story, then awesome sauce. Here we go:)
Opening line and/or paragraph pull you in to read more?
At the beginning of a novel, you have at most a paragraph to pull the reader in. You do a pretty good job here I think. Bringing in the tension of the wolves is a good idea, perhaps start with that before describing Bran’s horses? Wolves = danger, danger = conflict. So maybe start with Bran looking around for wolves. Then you can tell why (his neighbor’s advice) and jump into describing the scene with the horses nervousness. But it is a good start.
Story line / Theme
Bran is running from Krassos, a despot if there ever was one. While on the road, he is accosted by three ruffians. Did Krassos send them? They see the dragons on Bran’s hands and it seems to have meaning to them, they were indeed looking for Bran. However, before they can truly get to whatever business they have with Bran, the three marauders are shot down by Fald. After a misunderstanding, Bran and Fald seem to becoming to terms with each other until they are again attacked by a man on a horse. Bran and Fald seem to fight off the attacker but then, the attacker vanishes. Fald offers Bran safe haven with King Den.
I want to add here that this is a great start to book overall. There’s action and intrigue, why is Bran running? What was he guarding, dragons? Where’s his dad? All good questions and a good storyline to follow for your first chapter. Well done.
Characters:
Bran: A man on the road, apparently he used to be a guard. Woolen clothes and a blond shaggy beard. Dragon (tattoos? Birthmarks?) on his hands which holds some significance. Great detail on that one by the way. But: I have no idea how old Bran is. The beard implies that he’s at least 20, 25 maybe. But he could also be 40 and no graying has occurred? It would help to picture the main character here with a hint of his age. Young man, old man, seen many summers or too few? Has he any experience with these types of winters, or just a little bit? Hinting at his age would help connect me to the character. He is, after all, the dude we all want to root for.
Three marauders: I think you have an opportunity here with these three. There are only a little descriptions about them, one is shorter, but they pretty much remain shadows to the reader's mind. First, give them names, even if they are going to be killed in a minute. Or at least one of them. You can drop in in the dialog while they talk to each other. I thought the dialog was pretty good though, just want to mention that. Didn’t seem stiff, so well done on that. Maybe describe them as Bran sees them, using all of his senses. Maybe the short one smells of the local weed that ruffians like to chew, maybe the first one’s voice seems filled with rocks. Those kind of details help build the world and you can do it seamlessly I think. For example: “but the meaner looking…” How was he meaner looking? Perhaps he has a scar running over the corner of an eye that looks like a dragon talon made it? Go through there part again and see if you can flesh them out and world build at the same time.
Fald: Old man, gray beard, an archer who has a scowl, guff voice. I like the old man, I can fit him in my mind easier. I’m assuming we learn more about him later but I think this is a pretty good start to this character. He has some depth and I can wait to get to it.
Man on Horse: Tall steel helmet, armored. What kind of armor. Is it new, dented, is there a logo on it. Same for the horse. I know he’s only there for a short time but this guy plays a little bit bigger role, he is going to tell K man about Bran and Fald. Add a short detail somewhere in his action scene as Bran is looking at him.
Writing Style/ Narrative Voice:
I like the narrator’s voice here. It’s informative, but not overly so. The action is well paced out, excellently actually. I didn’t get bored reading it and that’s awesome. Keep it up, style and voice are good.
Setting/Scene
So Bran is riding somewhere and it’s winter. There is snow falling and it’s cold. There is snow on the ground and also some ice. But what I don’t know is this:
What time of day is it, what is the position of the sun? He’s on a road, but what kind? Bumpy, well traveled? You do a pretty good job of dropping some scene in so see if you can clarify it. Clarity is a huge one with me and my own writing. There is a treeline somewhere, which would imply some sort of road out in the open, are there wagon wheel ruts that the horse can easily follow? If you can clear up the scene a little bit, make it pop unobtrusively, it will help me with the action that is soon to come. You did a good job of showing me it’s snowing by how flakes get caught in a beard. It’s cold by the clothes the characters are wearing. But what kind of terrain are we actually dealing with? Mountains? Flatlands? A combination of the two? Maybe just a forrest?
Descriptions:
Add a few details about the wagon, maybe the type of bow, things like that. Some of the descriptions are excellent but some are short. You can always cut later if you get to wordy and just keep the good stuff. Also, is there a poof when the guy riding the horse disappears, is there no sound at all? I’m just pointing out places that may help the reader develop a better sense of scene here.
Emotional Reaction
I’m rooting for Bran, the runaway who has intrigue and who has apparently lost his father. Good stuff. The pacing was great. Well done.
Did the ending seem realistic? Did it leave you satisfied?
Great ending for this chapter. Intrigue and a direction. Should easily connect to the next scene. Wouldn’t change a thing about it.
Favorite part
“whinnied nervously as their hooves crunched down the snow covered road”--great bit at the beginning showing me it’s cold and snowing.
“He had to be careful, his boots were designed for walking on ice, but he nearly slipped” another great show that it’s icy out.
“Though his face was covered, Branston was sure the rider was stunned by the way he stood and looked around.” Great job of showing the riders emotion through his behavior. That’s tough so well done.
What do you think they could improve on, and let them know why you think that. If you can, provide specific examples or explanations for your views.
The three men: Where were they hiding so that Bran didn’t notice them? Adding clarity to the scene description would help. It’s hard for me to imagine 3 men being able to walk up unnoticed on a guy on a road with 50 yards between the treeline and the road. But maybe it isn’t that far? Maybe the road is bordered by large fir trees, oaks of amazing size that cast long shadows, giving the three ruffians ample hiding places. I don’t know, but it bothered me that Bran was looking for wolves and didn’t see three men anywhere near him. C’mon Bran, you are better than that. He is already on the lookout for something and I refuse to believe he is a terrible lookout. Or maybe he is and that’s why he left the guard?
“The man behind Branston slammed into him and fell backwards…” This part is a bit confusing as slamming into someone usually implies forward momentum. So if he’s going forward, why fall backwards? Shouldn’t he fall forward, or at least to the side after falling forward onto Bran since he just got shot?
“his teeth chomped through his tongue…” Makes me think Bran bit his tongue his teeth chomped through his tongue off. Maybe change it to “bit into his tongue” instead of through.
“Branston squirmed as hard as he could” You could lose this line as the next line shows how he is hard he is trying. Second line is better.
“The dragons broke out again…” You have an opportunity to world build with this statement. Maybe Fald says the Horned ThunderSkies took off first, or maybe something of that nature. Just hint at that there may be different breeds and types of dragons. Or maybe there’s not, all are just Dragons. But you can foreshadow that kind of thing here and also connect your reader to your world a little bit stronger.
“ Faldashir cursed. "He's armored…” As Bran and Fald describe him as wearing a tall steel helmet, this statement seems a little out of place and there shouldn’t be any surprise from Fald. If he is the older, wiser gentleman he comes across as then he should already know he’s armored.
Final thoughts;
Really great first chapter to the story. Plenty of conflict, a crisis, and some pretty good hints at the world Bran lives in. Flesh it out a bit more, give it some meat. I read through the first time and it didn’t bog down, it didn’t lose me and it kept my interest. The ending made me want to read the next chapter, for sure. Good job. The second time I read through it I paid more attention to some of the detail that wasn’t there. There’s places for it though, it's a good skeleton to build upon.
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