Your attention to detail is outstanding. You have a particular way with words that literally drives me to getting fired just to continue your story (yes, I'm reading this at work in secrecy). The beginning was so eventful and there was such an overflow of description -- emotions, colors, shapes, everything.
...and then there was a plot. There was a beginning, a middle and an end.
Oh and what an end it was. Brilliant. Simply brilliant.
Thaaat was so intense. Haha. I don't even know where to start, honestly. I'm at work listening to metal as I'm reading this, to get in the mood, you know? As I'm getting into this story, I can vividly picture the dreams that Gary and Eamon were sharing. It was extremely intense. Now, my only question is, why did Martin get tormented to death by the dream, and yet everybody else was just affected by decay? I was hoping this would go a little longer, with maybe the grandma massing like Martin did and then the world being affected, but I don't know. Wishful thinking on an addictive piece.
Regardless, this was a wonderful piece. You have a very unique vernacular which adds to the story and definitely drags me in. I can't wait to read more of your work!
I LOVE THIS. Hahaha. Like, the rhyming scheme is beautiful. The tale is so elementary and yet so intense and twisted. I can't stop reading it over and over. And then to end it on such a sweet tale, makes me want nothing more than to share it as well. Ah see? You have got me rhyming, too! So here's FIVE stars, kudos to you!
Oh wow. This story was . . . it was something. Haha. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but the twist was really rushed and unexpected in my opinion.
The amount of detail you weaved into your tale, accompanied by the metaphors and similes of a literary inspiration, were astounding. I was completely dragged into the story for the most part.
However, the ending was really rushed I felt. You put so much time into describing everything at the beginning and then the story took a complete 180. I think it was the kid going from mentally insane under the influence of the potion to spontaneously asking this beautiful girl to marry him. I understand it was kind of a spell, but still, I think he attitude adjusted way too fast. From that point on, it went from a less horror tale into more of a love story which ended with her being hit by a car. I'm still trying to figure out where she was taking him in the first place. The ending was a little romantic, but once again, I felt it was rushed. I digress.
I still truly admired the tale and I definitely applaud your phenomenal vocabulary and attention to detail. It was amazing. I just feel as if the story is going to take the path you decided, then you should continue your outstanding literary perfection the whole way through!
I love this. I love the vernacular as well as the vocabulary. I love the grammar choices and I love the imagery you decided to pursue in writing this piece. It's such a vibrant piece that screams beauty, but at the same time, defines tragedy.
"A world shattering storm lies only just beyond the horizon,
Coming with the rising sun as I stand,"
These are my favorite lines, simply because the image of a destructive hurricane embodies the mind of the reader upon the first line, but then it transitions into the complete opposite upon your words. However, at the same time, are they not the same in this piece?
Such a fragile work of art with the strength of iron.
This was brilliant. Predictable, but still very good. My only major note I really have to say that would completely end this story perfect is in the last sentence.
"Dad, I think the monster is ON the bed."
Just change that IN to ON, and that will be absolutely perfect. A pretty good twist and I can't help but be reminded of my cousin as a child. Ohhhh creepy thoughts.
Keep up the great work!
I'm usually in the horror section here at writing.com so I decided to randomly wander over to the suspense section. This happened to be the first one on the page, and for that I am thankful. I love how much character creation you put into such a short tale. I love the character development and antagonist development, even the cliffhanger to a possible full feature tale.
Long story short, this piece was absolutely incredible and had me on the edge of my seat the entire time.
I wish I could leave more of a review, but I'm at work right now and typing between my clients. Ha!
WHY WOULD YOU PLAY WITH MY EMOTIONS LIKE THAT?! Seriously. This is so wonderful and so . . . ughhhh I just want to slap you right now for making this so suspense-fully appealing and absolutely infectious. Bah. There's a special place in Hell for beautiful creatures like yourself.
Oh wow. It took me a little bit to understand until I actually tied the title and the note "personification" into it. Then everything began to make sense. I had to go back and read this about 8 times to really take in every single emotion that was felt. Absolutely beautiful.
I just can barely wrap my brain around this magnificent piece of art. Seriously, I've been sitting here dreading my day and worked and I was casually reading some stories here on the site. I'm more intrigued in quick short stories, but you had me interested just in the first line. I continued to slowly read piece by piece between my clients.
Starting from the protagonist falling for Carolyn at the wedding to the house parties to being married to just a blissful relationship. Then things started getting intense. The giant cyber attack, the "aliens", the Apartment Dwellers, all of it was just absolutely amazing.
If this doesn't get published into something, I may strangle somebody.
Oh man. I really liked this piece. My co-workers at work caught a few of the lines here and there and were like what are you reading?! I do like the character development and the way that you made the guy feel in terms of his reactions from loving this girl to becoming morbidly afraid of her. Now, I do feel like the ending was a little blunt. Though it had me on my toes, it was the part where she started telling him that she had to take peoples souls kind of threw away the twist on it and then we were just waiting for it to end. Personal recommendation? Maybe skip that part and end it with "She kissed him then, her mouth open. Into it he began to scream a primal scream of abject torment as his soul was ripped from his body" or something like that. Just my opinion. I still love this though!
I really loved this piece. If you've seen any of my other pieces, I have an affection when it comes to short horror stories. There was great progression through the story and you paid good attention to the details of what the reader is interested in, rather than going too in depth with unnecessary points. I really enjoyed this piece. A few things that caught my attention though . . .
Jessie was taken aback by the bluntness of the question but smiled at Justin to hide her discomfort. "No, my boyfriend and I live here together. He works in the city."
"Ok thanks." Justin turned abruptly on his heel and stalked towards his car.
The character interaction here was very bland and it pretty much dulled the story at this point. A lot of controversy could be brought from this considering the way he replied screams "I'm about to stalk you" and her reaction is like "I know this. See you tonight!" -- So my personal recommendation is to change his reply up a little bit so the conversation that is being built up doesn't end so abruptly.
Too weak to move from the lack of air supply, Jessie stayed panting on the floor and watched as her dog fought for Jessie's life.
And helpless to intervene, she saw Justin raise the carving knife in the air above Shannon, ready to end her brave companions life.
The only thing that gets me here is the random "And" at the beginning of the sentence. I feel like it may be an unnecessary article.
Aside from those two points, I loved this piece. I'll definitely check to see any other pieces you have. If you recommend a review for a certain piece, I will check it out for you!
Oh man, this was a powerful piece. So short and simplistic, and yet so good. At first I was trying to understand while the title of this piece was "Cars". Clearly I was notified once I hit that certain part of the story with the fishing wire. Haha. You did great at created the imagery in my mind for the gritty scenes that the character was imagining. The real question is . . .
What if the character was still high and he imagined everything?
Although this is your typical groundhog day skeleton, you've found a way to turn this story into more of mad scientist scenario with multiple candidates rather than a simple story affecting one person as a force of nature. I like the turn of events you threw into this. You have a great way of expressing how the character feels during his journey throughout the day, noticing the repetitive lack of "something". I must say, I absolutely love how you used the EXACT same paragraph from the beginning at the bottom of the post. That gives the reader a sense of the Deja Vu that the character was probably experiencing, thus finding a valid point to connect the character to the reader. All in all, a simple subject turned into something great.
I love this . . . so much. Seriously, this is explaining my life perfectly and I can't help but shed a tear as I am reminded of all the happy times I've spent in my previous relationships. Sure, most of them have ended in ruin, but you never forget how you felt when you were truly in love with a person. This piece is so generic and has such a basic tale, however, it is so relatable and your wonderful ability at provided absolute detail is outstanding.
This particular piece was interesting. I LOVE PHOENIX WRIGHT, first off, so I was really excited to read this piece of work. I didn't really understand what you meant by Crossover at first until Little Mac actually stepped in to the picture. I feel like this could actually expand in to a full on Phoenix Wright case though if you threw in a death or something. I know the story was revolving more around introduction of characters, the breaking of 4th walls and the perversion towards poor Mia, but I think that if you ended the story with something about a death in the gym of a random character, you could totally expand this story into a larger fanfiction. Then Phoenix would have to work together with Mia and Little Mac to find the culprit. Obviously your main suspects would be Don Flamenco, Aran Ryan and Super Macho Man. I think that would make for a phenomenal game!
Anyways, those are just my two cents. I really do love this piece though. It's even better than I can have a visual representation of the characters in my head since I'm such a big fan of the games. Keep it up!
Oh wow, this piece was so short, and yet so dynamic! The moral of the story reflected upon me as, "The longer you hold your evil in, the worse and worse it becomes." This could be a refrence to numerous things, from something as direct as "evil" or even something as abstract as a white lie that continues to build and build until it has released its ultimate fury. I really admire this piece.
My favorite verse is,
"Leave me unchained!" says the evil within
As the shackles continue to shudder,
"Release me before your nightmares begin,
And tear your heaven asunder!"
Please continue the great work! I'd love to read more. :) Oh, and before I forget. Welcome to WDC!
This was a very intriguing read. The lack of a particular antagonist was driving me insane, but I think I can tell why you made that choice. Also, I would've had enjoyed a lot more detail in the description of the settings, particularly the mummy room and the alien rooms. It seems that there were many details, but as the plot was moving faster there was a distinct lack of description and all I could picture were rooms filled with a single anamatronic to accompany it. Perhaps it would have built the atmosphere better, at least in my mind. Now, enough for the cons. That was an amazing story. I truly enjoyed it. I was not expecting that ending at all. I was thinking that the friends would eventually come back and be changed or something, but then they ended up just missing for 6 months and before we know it, we realize they aren't coming back to the story to tell their tale. Great read, my friend. I hope to see more work like this.
This piece is beautiful. You have a very good way of expressing your details. The particular vernacular you use along with the enhanced vocabulary makes for such an "extraordinary" read. As a professional dancer myself, this piece really reaches to me and I must say that I absolutely adore your style. The vast amount of similes and metaphors drag the reader into a world of pure imagination which causes such a sense of wonder and grace. I admire this piece greatly.
I truly have no critical feedback for this piece. This is so well-written and the details are astounding. Phenomenal work! I even learned what the fear of rain is called -- Ombrophobia. Educational AND inspirational! Keep up the great work!
This piece was marvelous. So much raw emotion accompanied by the detailed visual prowess. "Scattered Rose" is such a piece that I believe speaks to many, considering it is such a relatable story. Beautiful, yet filled with depression, sadness and heartbreak. You have a phenomenal way with words that not only brings your story to life, but it sucks the readers in. If even they cannot relate to the tale, they will know what it feels like to be in the shoes of the author because of the fact that you pay exquisite attention to detail and smooth story progression. One of my favorite pieces. Keep up the fantastic work ~
That was so . . . I'm not even sure what my first impressions are about this piece. Do I laugh? Do I cry? Poor unfortunate fool. A sad tale indeed, but quite humorous and IRONIC as well. Fifty-five words exactly. You created conflict and a multi-emotion bearing ending. Aside from the grammar issues here and there, it was a very solid piece. Great work ~
Such an interesting piece. You have a phenomenal use of advanced vocabulary to describe your scenes. It's an admirable quality. Other than the grammar errors here and there, this is a very well-written piece. Dark, deep, lovely and terrifying are the emotions that come to mind. I hope to see more of your work in the future. ~
Such a descriptive piece; absolutely astounding and without hesitation, drew me in. Your spectacular use of vernacular had me spellbound. I was in love from the very first paragraph. A phenomenal piece of work with an easy to follow story. You express passion in your writing which is sometimes hard to come by these days. Not just a simple piece written for feedback, but you truly are connected with this piece and it can be seen by the energy your words emanate. Absolutely beautiful. Keep up the fantastic work ! ~
Seye
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/iihawaii
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 10:31am on Dec 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
