I found your story while looking to read a newbie. And I have to say, you have quite an intriguing piece here. While its apparent that there's little to no plot, what drives your story forward are your descriptions and the narration. You win in both counts. And I can totally see that you have flair for this. The mood, too, was kept consistently eerie throughout.
Now what I found a little distracting is your sentence forming at places. You happen to love the 'comma' a lot and have generously used it, in many places inappropriately so. I'm no pro though and these are just my opinions.
Take these below examples:
I could now see the door, in sight, ten feet in front of me. (the first comma is not required imo. It just pauses the flow unnecessarily)
I wanted to see the door’s uniqueness, now I regretted my decision. (This sentence might work when you are actually speaking but when you write, it reads awkwardly. Consider replacing comma with a 'but' instead)
The best suggestion I could give you is to read your story aloud after you write. This will help you figure out and fix any issues with how your sentences flow.
This was an intriguing story. I like the opening paragraph, though this line "I will let you decide for yourself just which of the two happened." threw me off a little.
If by two things, you meant- luck and paranormal activity- then it doesn't really hold water as it's evident by the end that your story is definitely paranormal. And thereby, luck induced by paranormal activity. Maybe I'm just giving this too much thought
Coming back, I like everything else about this . First person is definitely the only choice here and your voice was adequately good. I like the flow and the way you narrate each incident. I was just expecting a BOOM! at the end and while you do give us that literally, my only pet peeve is that your story ultimately feels flat without any highs and lows. Just my opinion.
My Comments:
1)One typo here -> At first all I could herehear
2) Consider the below sentence:
As I stepped up to the register and the cashier started ringing up my items, an alarm went off and balloons started falling and the manager of the store approached me and told me that I was the one millionth customer and had just won ten thousand dollars and my groceries were paid for.
That was a very long sentence without any breaks. And its a pretty eventful sentence too but just bogged down by all the ands. My suggestion is to break this into a couple of sentences and put a comma where there is a logical pause to the flow. I found the same kind of sentences in a couple of other places too, so you might wanna check that.
Well, that's all I have to say for now. Hope I was able to help.
Write on,
Uday
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. First person is definitely the only choice here and your voice was adequately good. I like the flow and the way you narrate each incident. I was just expecting a BOOM! at the end and while you do give us that literally, my only pet peeve is that your story ultimately feels flat without any highs and lows. Just my opinion.