I love the premise of this story. Actually, it is quite similar to one of mine called, Bill Igerant. In my story the main character also talks back to the author, but he is more vulgar with his responses.
I gave this story only a 3.5 because there are way too many short chapters. Once you get some longer ones I will be glad to up my rating.. I have to get ready for work now, but when I come home I will definitely add a chapter or two(if my internet connection holds up). I hope you will check out my story and that we can collaborate together often in the future.
This is well written with no technical flaws. It kept me glued till the very end. However, the end is what turned me off of this story. I would have preferred it if Joe was maimed or killed. Or even if he had at least some regret for his actions. Then this could be a cautionary tale. How it stands, he did something stupid and got away with it. I'm sorry but I just don't like stories like that.
Ok, I'll try to be gentle. This is a cute little tale that made me smile at the end. Your description of the dog chase had me picturing every detail in my mind. It could be a great short story, but there are several flaws, some major and some minor.
First, your second paragraph is just one big run-on sentence. It should be broken down to two or three sentences, if you decide to keep it(read below for why you might not).
There is a missing and between "cob" and salads" in the third paragraph.
There should be commas around "one by one" in the forth paragraph. Also, this sentence too is run-on.
In the eighth paragraph, Boxer should not be capitalized, unless that is the name of the dog. To me it sounds as though you are saying the breed and not the name and breeds do not need caps.
There are many more run-on sentences and missing commas. Since this is a first draft I'm sure you will find them with a reread.
What concerns me more than the grammatical errors is the first half of this story. I see no point in describing the BBQ in that much detail when it does not pertain to the meat of the tale. It would read better if you summarized it into 1 paragraph instead of using eight. Almost all of your paragraphs are too short and many of the could be combined to have it read more fluidly.
Again, I know this is a first draft, so if you want me to re-rate and review a later draft just drop me an e-mail and I will be happy to oblige.
I am sorry but I really do not see any point to this. In certain instances you are talking about the color and then you talk about yourself, but I cannot find a connection between the two. This piece may have some personal meaning to you and for that I hope it brings you joy. But as a reader, I just don't understand it.
Let me start off by saying that since I found this on the review request page, you are going to get some brutal honesty from me. First off, This piece is mislabeled. I chose to check it out because I thought it was going to be a fictional short story. In no way should it be in the short story sub-type. It simply is not fiction but instead mostly a list of old adages. It would fit better in either the monologue or column categories.
Secondly, the only bit of originality I found in this was the intro. That was quite funny. But otherwise you are just regurgitating sayings that other people have coined over the years.
Finally, The line about the shoes in the fridge went over my head. I realize that it was meant to be funny but I myself didn't see much humor in it.
Ok, now onto what I liked. I found no spelling or grammar errors in this so thats a plus. The line about Jerry springer did make make chuckle. And like I said earlier the intro was quite good.
Overall, I did not care for this piece. I am sorry if thats harsh but that is my opinion and you did ask for it(by putting it on the review request page). If you want some insight on why I review like this please check out one of my polls.
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1166576 by Not Available.
This is a great satire. You've shown perfectly how something that seems good at the time can turn out so wrong. Your attention to detail is impeccable. The snowman rights part was a nice touch. Finally, the part about the leprechauns at the end was a great kicker. Good Job!!!
I came across this story because it was newly modified and near the top of the short story list. I wasn't looking for anything in particular, but what I found was an entrance into a gold mine. This tale captivated me from the beginning, and although I do not understand all the references in it, that just makes me want to read your other stories about the Manitou. Your depiction of tribal life warms the heart and is just one of the many details that moves the plot along smoothly. One thing I would like to know, in the description you hinted that readers would already know the baby from another one of your stories. Could you please tell me which one(or if it is more that one). Thank you for modifying an older story so that it caught my eye. Great Job!!
This story is definitely not for everyone. But those who like to explore alternate realities and bodily changes(myself included), this interactive is a welcome treat. Many age regression interactives usually end at babyhood, with most writers stumped with what to come up with next. But you and your contributers have paved new ground and expanded(yes this is a fat pun) beyond the boundries. Good Show!
I really hope this is actually an intro or chapter in a larger tale. If so then it is mislabeled and I will change my rating. Standing alone as a short story it simply doesn't cut it for me.
The technique is flawless with no disearnable spelling or grammatical errors and the descriptives plus the short dialogue does catch ones attention. But thats just it, it is short, too short. There is no conflict at all in this piece. In my opinion it doesn't really qualify as erotica(where no real conflict is needed),which this is not, because the most they do is stare at each other across the table. You may have felt that it was best to leave the greater details of their trist to the readers immagination, but that only works so far. You have to give us a little more.
Agian, if this is part of something bigger just let me know and I will recant this rating and review
Many will criticise me for giving such a low rating to one so young, but if I sugar coat my review then you will learn nothing from this. Puntuation is key to any good story. I only saw 3 or 4 periods throughout the entire piece and a couple of question marks and explanation points. There are also too many spelling errors to list here. Please go back and use the spellchecker provided by this site. It is a great tool that I myself use often. Except for in the beginning, there is no paragraph structure, when you go onto a new point or a different character speaks, you need to create a new paragraph. Also, when someone speaks, you must tell the reader who is saying the words in paranthesis. Otherwise it gets confusing. The Plot does have some merit, if you clean up the mistakes this could be an excellent piece.
I hope this doesn't discourage you, just take it as a learning experience and continue to write.
A strange and twisted tale. this story puts you into the mindset of a man pushed too far. The attention to detail is excellent, with everything well decribed but not overdone. I wonder if there was any other reason behind his butchering method besides imitating his father. Also, why did his father cut off the hands and feet in the first place? My only qualm is that the ending was predictable. The last lines "What a waste" were perfect. Great job!!!
This is a good cautionary tale about trusting people. It is very straightfoward and to the point. I approve of who you explore both extremes and the middle ground of generousity with the main character jumping from one side to the other and the children being the voice of reason in the middle ground.
Now the Negative.
There is no real structure in the format of this piece. You only have 1 break in the lines. Try to group together this tale in paragraphs, it will be much cleaner and easier to read.
Neither the main character or the old woman sound like older people."Thanks alot, Mam" might be more appropriate like this "Thank you kindly,Mam" Sometimes the children sound older than their mother. I understand that you want them to be the voice of reason but perhaps you can add some slang into their dialogue to support the image of them being younger without losing the meaning of their words.
Finally, I have a brother who has juvenial onset diabetes and how you describe that disease is not accurate. I assume old lady has adult onset, but the symptoms are the same, just to a lesser degree. Dizzyness is a sign of low blood sugar and she wouldn't be asking for water to treat it, she'd need something with sugar. Passing out from a low is deadly. I understand that she is faking the whole thing but perhaps she could have a glucose shot on her to treat her with if she did pass out to add credibility to her story.
I realized at the end that this was suppose to be funny. You built up a tower of high-brow wording and phsycological double talk just to lead to a feeble, well-worn punchline. I'm sorry, but this just didn't work for me. Besides being only somewhat funny there are several spelling mistakes.
A low squeel like that of a muzzled puppy (squeal)
"Torpid you are for having inquire credit to your counterfiet turtle dupe! (counterfeit)
Pleading for empathy to his resolve the perpatrator yields his debate. (perpetrator)
Also, this next line seems incomplete
you do not expect me to credit turtles in this urban habitat with despoiling the air which through this humble dwelling?" (what does the air do? Circulates? Floods?
Poetry is not my favorite type of fiction so I did not rate this piece on your rhyme and meter. It is the tale this prose tells that I do not find appealing. Simply put, it is too simplistic (no pun intended). Some one tells her to change so she changes. There is no real reason why she changes. I found no deeper meaning in this and I've always thought poetry was all about deeper meanings.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jacknife78
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.08 seconds at 4:33pm on Nov 22, 2024 via server WEBX1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
