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Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jaejaeme
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49 Public Reviews Given
51 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I have experience looking for consistency. I fully believe in Keep It Simple & Succinct. *Smile*
Favorite Genres
Mostly Fantasy and Speculative Fiction, but will read almost anything. These days most of my "reading" is done with audio books.
Public Reviews
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it. I like the premise, and that the antagonists realized they were so far out of their depth that even the dream of moving forward was dangerous.

A few things I noticed: You use a lot of cliches. Try to twist the cliche into something a little different. Also, don't tell me what she's doing, get in her head and show me what she's doing.

Example:
'The digital world was her playground, and she knew its every corner like the back of her hand.'
"She dove into her favorite playground, the digital world. She knew her turf intimately."

Not only will you trim words, you'll make the scene come more alive to the reader.

Overall, you have the start of a great story here. Keep working on it. If you have a favorite author or two or three, read their works and take note of how they bring a story to life.

Keep Writing!
Jae
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very funny! *Rolling* I especially liked the ongoing in-joke about words not yet being invented. I laughed out loud at that. Although, I thought you missed a couple more opportunities to use it later in the story.

In the 4th paragraph, change 'scratchy' to 'scratching'.

Your story was very entertaining and something I definitely needed today.

Good luck and keep writing.
Jae
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
After reading your story, I see parallels with the lives of many women--the continual sexual harassment being one of the top complaints. While I did not grow up with the Black Experience (I'm an elder, white lesbian), and can never experience the racial bias you undoubtedly have, I've read books that opened my eyes to the reality that this nation is based on White Patriarchy--and exceedingly racist (I stuggle to contain my own inner racism, taught from childhood).

I noticed a few syntax errors in the text (sorry, I can't find them now). The font change midway through was rather jarring, you might want to fix that. And because I'm old(-ish), I struggle to read the standard WdC font size. Expand each "Chapter" and make them their own files for easier reading. I found it hard to digest all of this in one sitting.

You have the start of a good treatise on race relations here. If you have your eye on publishing this, get input from others and make it an investigative piece so the story is told from more than just your perspective.

Good luck and keep writing!
Jae
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Review of Rant  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Congratulations! You are today's winner of The Writer's Cramp. *Smile*

I like your story and you stuck to the prompt very creatively. Anyone reading this story will have no doubt who you're talking about.

Jae

PS. This is my first time judging TWC in a while. I hope I'm doing this right.
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This made me laugh out loud. I could imagine a Marine doing just what you describe. I know enough Marines to know how they can be. (I went to 'A' school with a couple while in the Navy and later worked with a few Marine veterans.)

Even better, I loved your note. I spent a portion of my childhood on an Army-Air Base in Germany during the Cold War. While we weren't allowed to dig real trenches between buildings in the housing area, we did build snow forts during the winter. And we used the shrubs to build make-shift forts.

Bravo. And... Semper Fortis. *Wink*
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Review of Mariah  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Being a victim of a forest fire, your poem sent chills through me. Mariah fanned our blaze also, and we still live with the remnants of the devastation.

I did notice that the stanza meters are uneven. Is this by design? The only line that tripped me up was fourth line in the second stanza: 'Buildings and fences raze' I instinctively read the last word as 'razed.'

Overall, good job.

Jae
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Review of Spooky Mission  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Ben,

This is a good first draft. You tell the story you need to tell about the reason the castle on street number four is deserted and left to the ravages of time. I like the mystery at the beginning.


When I reached the dialogue, I was a little unsure whether you were writing a play or a short story, so I had to check. You might want to look up the guidelines on dialogue in fiction and correct the prose. While I enjoyed the story, it needs a good edit. Microsoft Word has a built-in grammar checker of dubious quality. If you're so inclined, check out the free version of Grammarly (https://www.grammarly.com/). I've used it for years to make sure my grammar isn't too far out there.

I also noticed a mix of British vernacular and American spelling. Go back and verify you've spelled some of the words correctly. The Brits stick a 'u' in some words, I'll let you look them up. *Wink*

Overall, I enjoyed the story, even though some of the style elements pulled me away.

Good job!

Jae


PS. If you are just getting started with your writing adventure, I encourage you to go out to YouTube and search 'beginning writing' and find your favorite authors to follow.
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
You have the bones of a good story here. I like the bit of mystery surrounding the queen. The fact that the deception fooled everyone, even her regular guards, seems a bit of a stretch to me. Most individuals, even identical twins, have certain habits and gestures that are their own.

Now that you've TOLD the story, find a way to SHOW the reader what's going on. Part of showing as opposed to telling is using ACTIVE voice ove PASSIVE voice. Check out the Purdue University OWL (Online Writing Lab) website at https://owl.purdue.edu/owl/general_writing/academi... for more information.

You can also make each character sound unique using some of the little dialogue tricks found here: https://nybookeditors.com/2017/05/your-guide-to-wr... Listen to how real people talk. A lot of folks don't use 'proper' English when speaking, especially when emotion runs high.

I also noticed a lot of spelling and punctuation errors, but those will be remedied with repeated edits. And check your instances where you use the word 'King.' I noted that most instances are shown as 'KIng.'

Overall, it's a solid beginning to a good story. I'm interested to find out how the false queen reacts to her counterpart appearing, seemingly out of the blue. (e:wink}
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Review of Spotted Pup  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Very nice. The meter is steady and holds through all four stanzas.

You mention 'Skeet' by name in all but the second stanza, is that by accident or design? That is the only thing I would call an "inconsistency" in this poem.

I like it. It works well.

Good job!
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Review of T.C.a.G. Ch 1  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like it. Basic human kindness can lead to... anything really.

I found one "it" in Gregor's speech that seemed out of place. When he gives Sean the sweatshirt, he says, "put it on." With his broken speech pattern, I read it as "put on", omitting the "it." That could just be me, though.

I am curious to learn Sean's backstory as well as where in his world he is.

Job well done. Bravo.
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Review of Huntress-prologue  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
My interest has been piqued. Kayla has gotten herself into quite a predicament, and you left me hanging wondering how she's going to get out of this.

I'm making assumptions that she's a high-value target, but is less concerned about Daddy than Matt. That leaves me wondering why Matt's anger worries her more than Daddy's.

Now I'm waiting and wondering about the first chapter. *Wink*
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Review of Hidden Trail  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very engaging story. You conveyed the despair young Craig felt at being seen as the outcast without telling the reader that he was depressed about the situation. I like how he was vindicated in the end, and that the other scouts were able to sincerely apologize and realize how they had twisted their oaths.

Bravo on a story well written. *Smile*
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Review of Questions  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! As a veteran, this hit me right in the feels.

I did note a couple of technical issues. In the second stanza, second line, I had a hard time with the rhyme of 'objector' and 'protester'. The choice feels a little forced to me. But I could be wrong. And check the number of syllables in the last lines of each stanza, one doesn't fall off the tongue as easy as the rest. Again, it could just be me.

Overall, I like it. Excellent job!
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Review of 3-29-94  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
I'll preface this with the caveat that I don't write or read much poetry. So, I had to read this a few times to get the gist, which is on me, not you, the poet.

I'm no poet, but I do know a little about the use of syllables per stanza. I see that your stanzas are ABAB ACAB (7-6-7-6, 7-8-7-6 syllables). Keep in mind that 'ancestry' is three syllables, not one or two. You could change line 6 to match the 6-syllable cadence of the even lines. The change in poetic rhythm interrupted the lyric flow of the poem.

I noted that this was written during a rough time of your life. My own life has taught that many times, the rewards and challenges of day to day living come in groups of three. I hope you have overcome the troubled times of fifteen years past and you find yourself healthy and happy.

Best of luck to you.

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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.0)
As a sexagenarian who grew up with ADD myself, I understand the frustrations. To see someone write about the same symptoms I experienced as a child, makes me realize that most kids of earlier generations also "suffered" from ADD and ADHD. The biggest difference is we were allowed to learn to manage our symptoms and learn to cope instead of being medicated into oblivion.

I did notice a few grammar-related issues, especially in the first paragraph. I would run it through a grammar checker before submitting it for publication. I would also be leary of quoting such a huge block of text, especially if you plan to publish it. The best thing to do is read the passage, and condense it with your own interpretation/words, linking to the article for further elucidation.

This is a nice piece. Thank you for sharing your journey. Keep up the good work!
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I love this! *Heart* The hook drew me right in and kept me going until the very last question.

The only comment I have is to make the last sentence its own paragraph. This will structurally bracket the story with the beginning.

And now, you've left me hanging. *Wink* I can't wait to read the next part.
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
Let me start by saying that I really like this story. The concept of sentient trees that can actually do something about their predicament is a great use of the Ents of Middle Earth.

I noted things I thought could use improvement. The best advice I can give is to try to put yourself in the head of the protagonist. For example, the first sentence could be more active:

"Beanik kicks the point of the metal rod attached to his left foot into the trunk as he climbs the giant tree."

If you write the passage as if you are Beanik, you'll be able to convey the imagery with greater effect. Make sure to write in active voice rather than passive voice, "He did an action," instead of "An action was done by him." That will help draw the reader into the story.

The second section seems a bit choppy to me. You have one person talking at the beginning, but it's structured as though at least two people are having a conversation. You might try to add some action between Vintian's exposition, try showing what Beanik is doing. Is he fidgeting? Is he hostile? Show us. I noted the same thing throughout the story.

I like that the story stayed in the present tense, I have a hard time with that sometimes. As for grammar, to be honest, I'm not a Grammar Queen, so I use Grammarly to correct my nemeses -- comma splices. *Headbang*

Good story! Thanks for sharing.
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Review of Neighbors  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (5.0)
I love it! This would make a great children's story!

The only thing I would say about it is to capitalize the teddy bear's name as "Teddy." I notice that the characters mention "teddy" three different times. To me, it sounds more like a proper name in both contexts.

Other than that, well done! The structure and the flow worked for me, and I couldn't help but smile at the end.
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Review of Spaceship  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
I found a misspelled word in your story. The last paragraph, "Jason though ..." should be "Jason thought ..."
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a good start. I liked the storyline and how the main character was able to turn around her thinking on the matter of the aliens.

Now, for the hard part. *RollEyes* While the story itself is good, I noticed quite a few structural issues. You mention the MCs name in almost every paragraph. I found myself looking ahead to see how many more times you would mention her name; it was distracting. Try changing some of the names to pronouns to break it up a little more.

Check the dialogue. Both characters sound the same and your mixed use of contractions in the dialogue interrupted the flow and sounded stilted in spots. Read your story out loud to find flow, syntax, and pacing issues. Keep in mind that dialogue rules can be a bit more "sloppy" than the prose that surrounds it, so don't be afraid to loosen up a little when your chars speak.

You don't need to explain facial descriptions, just move into the action.

Example:
Suddenly, her eyes bugged out. It was obvious that she was shocked about something. “This just in. There has been another explosion at an Alien gathering.”
(When her eyes bugged out, I got a cartoon picture in my head of eyeballs popping out of a character's sockets and rebounding back in, so watch your verbiage.)

Try something like this:
Her eyes widened and she looked up. "There's been another explosion at an Alien gathering."

A few adjustments to the "telling" will make it active, and you'll be "showing" the story instead. *BigSmile*

Please contact me if you have any questions about my review.
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
That was a lovely twist at the end. *Sneaky*

I enjoyed reading this, although I was a little confused at first as to why the Pharoah and his retinue would commission such a small, rundown boat. Your twist at the end led me to believe maybe a little dragon magic was involved in that job. *Wink*

Now the hard part. *Think* First, I noticed some spelling consistency in the name of the country. Check your spelling of "Ayubia" throughout the story. Next, I would recommend you read your story out loud. Reading aloud lets you find flow and syntax errors, as well as repeated words. I have a style that has been described as "terse," so as I read, I found places where you can tighten the verbiage and fix a lot of the "telling." (I was a technical writer in hi-tech for a couple of decades, so I got used to writing in active voice.) Let me know if you want specifics.

Overall, the story worked well for me. I enjoyed reading it. This story has potential with a bit of polish. Thanks for the read.
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Interesting story, and an even more interesting ending. The twist surprised me, but in some ways made sense. I went back to the beginning several times for any foreshadowing of the twist, but couldn't find anything that led my mind in that direction.

The writing is tight enough that few words were wasted with superfluous adjectives and adverbs. The story flowed even with the lack of foreshadowing
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Review of Timelines Cross  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I like how the protagonist turned a potentially awkward moment into a real conversation. Although, I did find the characters sounded a bit alike in word choice and sentence structure (though this could be a function of the academic setting). I was a bit surprised at how fast the protagonist was willing to change her major considering that she was on a mission with her father in mind. (On the other hand, her father passed when she was a toddler, so maybe her motivation was out of duty. The scene doesn't make that clear.) You have given the reader a lot to think about outside the actual scene. Color me intrigued.

A few notes on the mechanics of the piece. You shift tense from past to present throughout the piece. If this is a scene in a larger piece, you might want to decide whether you plan to write in the past tense or present tense. You might also want to look for repeated words and overuse of function words.

Overall, I liked it, the piece was well-paced, and the ending surprised me.

Well done!
~~Jae
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Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: E | (4.5)
My first reaction was "Ouch!" My second reaction was, "I've met that person."

I am not much on poetry, but when I read it as lyrics it made more sense and I liked it better.

I had a little trouble keeping the meter on some of the lines ('so you're just wasting my time', 'I can't recall your name'), it was almost like they needed another syllable.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" Open in new Window..
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Review of Escaping Yourself  Open in new Window.
Review by Just Jae Author IconMail Icon
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
I've never been much for poetry, but you describe the emotion of hopelessness very well in this piece. I can only imagine that this would be how a person with schizophrenia could feel. The demons in one's head can certainly have an impact on how one thinks and feels.

On the technical side, the cadence is mostly good, but in one or two places, the cadence seems broken a bit by the commas. For formatting consistency, make sure to add a space every comma.
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