This is an interesting piece, not one I can really relate to haveing never had a child. (I know I'm a bloke but I live with my partner and at the moment we have no plans for children.)
Perhaps the strangest thing is that I know a girl who when she was born caused a fair amount of confusion. She was olive skinned with dark hair and eyes and both her parents were red heads with pale skin. Her genes were a throw back to the 16th century and the spanish armada.
in terms of the writing, it flows well and the language is well chosen and conveys your meaning clearly however I found myself wincing a little at some of the imagery used as its' bordering on cliche (calves frolicking in the morning dew) but as that's such a minor piece of the work, it doesn'tr dtract too much from the piece as a whole.
The one question I would ask is if this is autobiographical? it certainly reads that way and clearly you have a great deal of personal experience as well as second hand experience of child birth etc and you've used that to make the piece believable and therefore the reader finds it easier to empathise with the central voice of your piece!
This is a nice well written piece that flows well and makes it point in easily understood, emotive language.
If this was written for someone, then they're a very lucky person!
the voice of your poem comes through clearly and the heart felt sentiments are obvious through your choice of words and ryhme! (I hope you're justifiably proud of this piece!)
Keep writing definitely and of the 5+ pieces I've scanned through today, this is about the only one that doesn't deal with death/grief/self harm etc so it made a nice change!
this is an intriguing piece that ends with a suprisingly upbeat tone that suprised me. I would imagine this is written from a personal perspective and reflects events that have happened in your life? if so, the sincerity and emotion in the poem really reach out to the reader and help them to empathise with your work.
You have some very good work in you portfolio and it's a pity that much of it cannot have feedback left as I've enjoyed reading several of your pieces and I'm reluctant to rate without leaving my thoughts!
definitely keep writng and should you decide to make more of work reviewable, let me know,
Your poetry is always very personal and emotive! did you say you were only 17? I wouldn't guess from your work! I actually thought you were older, it's mature and well written with an obvious amount of thought put in to it! I hope you get round to putting enough together to publish a book of it! My only critiscm is that the last two lines of the second stanza (conformer and adorner) don't quite fit with the simple language used in the rest of the poem, they kinda stand out a bit! Perhaps think about revising them just to increase the impact of the poem? Don't get me wrong, it's very good and well written but they feel a little out of place as you read. otherwise, very well written! and I look forward to reading some more!
This is a very well written piece with believable characters and a great storyline. I found I could really picture the events as they happened and empathise with the two main people mentioned. Although I did enjoy reading it, there are one or two language uses that trip the reader up and break the flow of the poem such as 'disbelief grows larger upon his face' where I think just 'on' owuld have worked better but over all a great piece I would happpily tell others to read! you should send this one for publishing!
There's a hell of a lot of personal feeling in this that makes it a very powerful and personal poem, I reckon it would sound really good to music. I find the first two stanza's easier to read and understand than the last, probably because they seem to conform to more traditional poetry forms than the last stanza does. (Blame the English lit training at uni for that)
overall though, I think this is a great piece with good imager and language and you should be proud of it! my rating reflects my difficulty in fully understabding the final verse. good luck with future pieces and let me know when you post more!
I like this piece, the language is good and the flow and pace are well measured. It does intrigue me and make me want to nkow more but primarily of the history between the two characters mentioned. My main critiscm would be the lack of physical descritpion making it very hard to visualise them, what colour hair do they have? what colour clothes are they wearing? what is their general build etc? this info not being there makes it harder to visualise the characters and therefore engage with them! overall though, a great piece and I'd love to know when you expand/ add to it! Mail me and let me know!
I hope I'm not being harsh! this has some great imagery and real imagination behind it, a very pro mising start to a novel but in parts it's a little confusing and difficult to follow. Without more of the novel to put it into a context, ti's difficult to really get a grip on what's going and how the woman in it really feels when she sees her home again afetr so long! definitely continue to develop this though cos I would love to know what happens next!
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