Great start! Alan is a believable character, and the argument between him and Jackie sounds like a very real argument, rooted in very real issues. Two thumbs up for being real and believable! That being said, I did notice a few spelling errors. In the beginning, you use the word "spanning" when it should be "span" - adding the -ing onto it makes it the wrong tense. Also, I know that the part in the bar, with Alan talking to the other guys, sports dialogue that is meant to be "real" rather than correct, but beware losing your reader in this part. Some of it was a little hard for me to read or get the gist of; you don't want to turn your audience by sacrificing readability to accuracy, unless your target audience uses this same kind of dialect and would understand it. Keep up the good work!
This is a great (and original!) premise for a fantasy story. The terminology is a little confusing at first, but that didn't deter me from reading. I like that you've chosen to start the reader off with a little action - just remember not to go too far before offering up a little bit of an explanation. You don't have to explain everything all at once, of course (that would be boring!), but give the reader something so they can start feeling like they understand things a little more. This is a great beginning for a fantasy story, and I hope you have more (or are working on more). Starting a chapter - even the very first one - can be a great literary trick for making sure that you grab your audiences attention; you're not making them wait for something exciting to happen. Great first chapter - hope to see more from you! Keep up the good work!
I love the first little paragraph of this story. Very beautifully and aptly put, especially the part about the bitter truth. A very poetic and auspicious beginning, I must say. That being said, the only thing that I would point out is the last sentence of the second paragraph. You included a comma between the "she would not desire me, as I desired her". While this is not necessarily an incorrect placement of a comma, when I read it aloud to myself it almost seemed to flow better without the small pause that a comma denotes. If that pause is something you were purposefully going for (perhaps to keep a rhythm), then by all means, ignore me. :) A great job overall, and I think you have a great foundation to build on - it'd be great as a short story/novel. Keep up the good work!
First, I like the idea behind this piece of writing. The vagueness of the speaker fits well with the abstract nature of the piece, which gives it a nice flow. That being said, there are a few things that could use a little work:
Here:
"It's simply, a memento"
I would take the comma out here. The sentence structure would meld better without it. If you were going for some kind of pause, consider rewording it.
Here:
"How the picture itself has the will to shape the every design to fit your imagination"
Did you mean to put very instead of every? If not, then you may want to consider revising it for content; your meaning seems lost in translation.
Also, I noticed that in some places you wrote "without no" (i.e. without no understanding). You can write either "without" or "with no", but putting them together creates a double negative.
Last but not least, my favorite line has to be "A reminder, that all give birth, to things that die." Very poetic and beautifully expressed.
Overall, you have a great idea here, and with a few revisions it'll be even better. Keep up the good work!
I like how this poem starts out in what seems to be the present tense, and then it back tracks to tell what it wrote. It sounds like a poem within a poem. You used some good, strong words to describe emotion, leaving the reader with a firm idea of very real feelings. It can be hard to write how you feel if you fall prey to a weak vocabulary or the wrong choice of words; it can weaken an otherwise great poem. I don't think you had that problem in this poem. Good job. :)
I like how you used the same sentence to start it. I was the giver of unrequited love for three long years, and it tore me apart, so I understand where this poem is coming from. I also like how you showed the progression, how she could deal with him not loving her, but not with the fact he thought she wasn't being honest and true. At least I think that is what you meant with the line "But when the heart she loved called her farce". If I got it wrong I'm sorry, that is the meaning I took away from it. Good job. :)
This was written really well. I like how it started in modern day, which is not something you see very often. It would make a good novel. I'm interested to see where Sean and Emily end up. Maybe do a little back filling as to how it came about that they needed the new merlin, if there is something wrong with the old merlin ... that sort of thing. Overall, I thought it was a captivating start to what could be a really good story.
Printed from https://shop.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/jdmartin
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.09 seconds at 2:20pm on Dec 26, 2024 via server WEBX1.
| (4.0)
| (4.5)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
